Remain Insane

Ramblings of an animal loving, people hating, game enthusing, book nerd :D

How Minecraft is ruining my life February 14, 2014

First I heard whisperings of it, then gamers raving of it, but as it was a computer game, I disregarded it and blissfully ignorant was I. Then, it became available on PS3. Oh, I told myself I would just try it out and that I wouldn’t play it much. I told myself it is only a silly, ‘play-once-in-a-while’ game, and so I logged in for the first time and sold my soul.

For those of you out there who are unfamiliar with the game, let me give you the run down. Prepare to have your mind blown. Ok, you ready for this? You break and place blocks. Yep, that’s it. You break a motherfucking block so you can place a different motherfucking block. The people, the animals, even the clouds, are all in cube form. It is the most simple concept which was most likely born from someone who also coincidentally had ready access to marijuana. But for reasons even unbeknownst to me, I can’t stop playing the fucking thing.

Minecraft 360

My addiction was formed through a two part process. The first was Survival Mode. When you begin, you start with absolutely nothing but your character Steve. However, there are beasties lurking and your hunger to be taken care of, so you have to begin to collect resources. So, the first course of action is to break down a tree only using your fists. I’m not even joking, you have to beat trees into submission with your bare hands. This is how an action as such would go down in real life:

/walks up and confidently punches tree expecting it to break

FUUUUUUUUUUU

So after you have broken every bone in your hands and wailed on the tree, you can now make a wooden axe, pickaxe and sword. You can even start building a house and killing animals for food. But, wooden tools are pretty shit, and after breaking about 50 of them you head off to find a mine to collect some stone. Once you have stone, you can make stone tools. Now you need a way to light up your house, so back off to the mine to collect some coal. By now you have encountered many beasts and probably died quite a few times, and think it is worth investing in some armour. So you return to the mine to collect some iron. Then you need more stone to make a smelter to smelt the iron ore into ingots. Then you need more wood for a crafting table to make your armour. Then you need more iron to make iron tools. Then you happen to come across some obsidian (a very valuable stone that can be turned into a portal to another world), which shits on your iron pickaxe because it can only be mined with a diamond pickaxe. So you go back into a mine and search 826598726 hours for diamond, all this while taking  regular breaks to find some food before you die…….. AND THERE IS NO END TO THIS CYCLE. You get so absorbed that this would be your reaction if someone interrupted your game play to tell you that you had won $50 million:

Reaction GIF: don't care, Morgan Freeman, The Shawshank Redemption

But this would be your reaction if you found one damned block of that damned pixelated diamond:

Elf

Enough is never enough. When you first begin, collecting resources is about survival. By the time you have collected your first piece of iron, it is about collecting anything and EVERYTHING. Your addiction compels you to keep collecting shit you don’t even need, ‘just in case’.

Me: 1542 wood, that should be plenty!

Obsessive compulsive Minecraft-crazed brain:

The second part of my addiction was developed through Creative mode. In this mode, you don’t have to collect anything, your inventory is already packed with unlimited supplies of everything. Which means you can let your imagination run rampant and you can build whatever the hell you want. My brother, boyfriend and I lost 3 days to this mode. We made towns, ships, volcanoes, rockets, statues, arenas, tree houses and more. I was even compelled to re-create shit like this:

 Next on my list is to recreate Middle Earth, from the Shire to Mordor. This is how entrenched I am in my addiction. Even though I realise my next project will take me weeks, I AM STILL GOING TO DO IT. By the time I leave the house again, I would have forgotten that the world isn’t actually made of cubes, will most likely become scared and confused, and run back inside to the familiarity of Minecraft.

File:-dafuq-.gif

I COMPLETELY RECOGNISE THAT I WILL HAVE TO GIVE UP THE REAL WORLD FOR A VIRTUAL WORLD MADE OF BLOCKS, BUT I AM STILL OK WITH THIS.

I have an addiction ladies and gentleman. An addiction to collecting 2673 pieces of wool. To slaying cubed zombies and dragons. To building useless shit in block form. I think it is time to check myself into Minecraft rehab…….

…..now, what would the rehab centre be made out of? Wood, definitely wood. But I need to go collect some more, I don’t want to eat into my supply of 5690 wood pieces. A fireplace would be perfect as well, better swing by the mine and get some stone, may as well grab some coal while I’m there too, maybe even some iron……..

;)

 

The Return of the Ranter February 10, 2014

Filed under: The Ramblings — Gemma @ 1:52 pm
Tags: , , ,

Kinda like ‘The Return of the King’ (being the third time I have been gone for months and then returned) but with little less LOTR epicness and a little more of this juvenile crap:

:D

Remain Insane has had a facelift and a revamp, so to my old and new lovely followers, let me re-acquaint myself with you:

About the Blogger:

Gemma likes to think of herself as a witty closet journalist, so decided she would share this with the world and create a blog. The plan was to wow viewers with her well researched and thought out posts, however after recent review it has been found that actually, Gemma just spew’s forth a whole load of verbal diarrhoea along with gifs and cat memes in an attempt to provide ‘LOLZ’. She entertained the idea of perhaps changing her blog content to something a little more sophisticated, but then got distracted by a video of dog dancing to ‘Shake That’, and hence has continued to fill her blog with her raving. And cats. She will occasionally talk about something serious here and there, but will mostly crap on like a lunatic.

Gemma amazingly managed to drag herself through 4 years of uni in an Animal Behaviour degree, and is now waiting on her official piece of paper so she can start regularly using the phrase ‘Trust me, I’m a scientist’. At 16, she managed to snag the best ‘first job’ ever and started working in an Aussie wildlife park, cuddling koalas, wrestling crocodiles and taming snakes, which she thought was pretty awesome. From this, she decided she would like to spend her life working towards animal care and conservation. She currently volunteers at a zoo making animal toys, and talks about her most favourite and loved animal; orangutans, every chance she gets. It must also be noted that Gemma has realised that she hates people, a lot. She likes to claim she isn’t antisocial, she just thinks people are stupid. Being an old fashioned nancy, one of Gemma’s favourite things is to rant about people who she secretly suspects to have an IQ of single digits.

- Additional useless details -

Video games and books are the best. Gemma has a cat called Jasper who acts like a dog. All things nerdy are absolutely wonderful. Big Bang Theory and Scrubs is the shit, full stop no returns. If you don’t think the Lion King is THE BEST DISNEY MOVIE EVER, don’t discuss this with Gemma, as she will become unnecessarily aggravated and violent. Gemma also apparently likes to talk about herself in third person.

After spending the past 6 months having to write 3000 word essays galore, I was unsure if I would ever log back in to WordPress. After whinging and whining about having to write so much for Uni, I have been 110% unmotivated to spend my spare time at the computer doing more typing, so accepted that my blog may lie dormant forevermore. But no sooner than my last assignment left my hands, my urge to blog came back. And hence, here I am, ready to fill your feeds with ranting and rambling again :D

Just thought I’d give you all a heads up ;)

 

The reality of Reality TV – What their commercials should really say! August 18, 2013

Kinda Raging Rant No. 6: Reality TV

Television. We all have one, and in this new technological dominated era, we all watch it. Whether it be the morning news, the mid-day soap operas or the 6 o’clock Simpsons, at some point in the day, we are perched in front of our TV to unwind and watch some entertainment. As any TV viewer may have noticed however, there is more TV shows than ever, but less quality entertainment as a particular type of TV show has not-so-slowly dominated the airwaves night in and night out. This type of TV show has no limits nor no bounds on what it will do to get views. It will ruthlessly shit on and replace your favourite shows and make you wonder if the world has lost it’s effing mind. It features the weird, the dumb and the outright bizarre. Welcome, ladies and gentleman, to the world of…..

Reality Television.

The first few reality TV series seemed harmless and interesting, once producers saw the dollar signs, suddenly EVERYTHING has the potential for a full blown show, and every dipshit can be a TV star! I understand the novelty of each, but when they start replacing Futurama, Simpsons and my beloved David Attenborough documentaries with Keeping up with the Kardashians or Here Comes mother-f*cking Honey Boo-Boo, I have to question the IQ of humanity and am reduced to this for the remainder of the night:

What is even more bizarre than the actual shows themselves is the amount of people I come across that actually WATCH them and follow them religiously. It is becoming a trend and an actual topic of conversation that people regularly talk about, and it is one topic that I am glad to be left out of the loop. Sometimes people will notice I am finding a brick wall far more intriguing than the conversation and that I am not contributing to it, they will ask something like ‘So, did you see the new episode of Jersey Shore where so-and-so cheated on so-and-so?!’

Excuse me?

To which I will try and not pull a face, mumble something about not watching that type of show, and go back to inspecting the wall. Because what gets even weirder is that I sometimes get judged for NOT watching these types of shows! :P Before I insult anyone who is an avid reality TV fan, I will point out I used to watch my fair share of reality TV like Big Brother and Australian Idol, back when it was something new and an effort was actually put in to make it interesting. But as time has worn on, so have the shows, and the crap that is actually making it on to TV is mindblowing! Every time I turn on the TV, there is a new reality show screaming at me for attention in an advert full of promise of providing entertainment. And boy, are these adverts priceless! I feel sorry for the guys who had to come up with a way to make such mundane shows sound interesting :P The commercials always give me a giggle, but they always like to stretch the truth and make the show sound dazzling and action-packed, but when you watch the show, it is a steaming pile of horse shit. So, in the interest of TV viewers everywhere, I have taken it upon myself to create some more honest adverts for some of the reality TV shows that are vying for our love and attention, just so you know what you are REALLY getting yourself into ;) (For added entertainment, please watch this video and imagine the rest of what I am writing in his voice :P)

Pawn Stars

The commercial: ‘Pawn Stars takes you inside the Harrison family pawn shop in Las Vegas, where the quirky characters haggle over fascinating wares! Join us and our hit series that takes you into the colourful world of the pawn business!’

The reality of the Reality: ‘Pawn Stars – takes you inside a family that knew the one way they were going to get ratings was making themselves initially sound like a cheap porno – where three fat American guys search through some people’s shit to find shit to sell so they can buy more shit. Join us as we rip people off in a show that takes you into the really boring And I mean REALLY boring world of the pawn business, where you can witness grown men fan-girling over wooden toilet seats!’

Geordie Shore

The commercial: ‘MTV camera’s follow some of Newcastles finest lads and lasses, giving you a sneak peak into their glamorous lives! There’ll be tears, tantrums, drama and outrageous behaviour by the bucket-load, with buff Jay, cheeky Gaz (who says he has a manhood the size of a tv remote control!), spice boys James and Greg, queen bee Vicky, sexy diva Holly with her FF boobs, ditzy Charlotte (who would never kiss a guy unless he had a six pack!), and ladette Sophie, who can be regularly found flashing her boobs in the local bar!’

The reality of the Reality: ‘MTV has lowered its standards once again, in what was first thought to be a piss-take of Jersey Shore, giving you a sneak peak into a bunch of Dorito encrusted guys and gals who all date each other, cheat on each other and piss and whine about everything! They’ll be some of the worst acting you have ever seen by the truck load, with steroid-induced Jay, over-exaggerating Gaz, lady-men James and Greg, mega bitch Vicky, a pair of boobs that go by the name of Holly, unrealistic-expectations Charlotte, and man-lady Sophie, who still isn’t quite sure what the meaning of clothes is!’

Beauty and the Geek

The commercial: ‘Stunning girls and genius guys live together and team up as they compete in hilarious and heart-warming challenges to test their intellect and social skills. Join us as ‘The Ultimate Social Experiment’ geeks out our beauties, and beautifies our geeks!’

The reality of the Reality: ‘Fuelling the stereotype that beauty means your thick as a brick and that smarts mean you are unattractive and socially inept, women who have only ever relied on their looks and guys who rely on their brains are forced to live together and team up for challenges – whose sole purpose seems to be to put the ‘nerd’s’ through hell. Join us for face-palms and cringe worthy moments as the geniuses of our generation are forced to teach grown women 4th grade all over, while they learn the true meaning of life: Unless you look like a pretty boy your intelligence and personality means jack shit to women!’

16 and Pregnant

The commercial: ‘This summer, MTV presents an unprecedented look at the controversial issue of teen pregnancy. These six girls have to face the bumpy terrain of adolescence, growing pains and rebellion, all while dealing with being pregnant and having to deal with challenges such as marriage, adoption, religion, gossip, finances, finishing school and getting a job. Faced with juggling their teenage years pregnant all while preparing for high school experiences like prom, they will be faced with adult decisions at every turn.’

The reality of the Reality: ‘This summer, MTV somehow manages to sink lower than Geordie Shore while further fuelling sterotypes, and presents a glorified look at the issue of teenagers forgetting to wear a condom and then acting shocked when they manage to get knocked up. These six girls have to face the bumpy terrain of their teenage years all while having to deal with screaming at their mothers, becoming selfish and bratty, and moulding themselves into a someone you are pretty sure shouldn’t have been allowed to breed. Faced with juggling their teenage years while trying to deny they are pregnant and still insist that everyone needs to take responsibility for their situation but themselves, they will be faced with adult decisions at every turn, which they will fail miserably time and time again. Morale of the story: Don’t be silly, wrap your willy!’

Iceberg Hunters

The commercial: ‘Join a brave group of men who travel through ‘Iceberg Alley’, the worlds most densely packed gathering of icebergs in Canada. Once out on open seas, the crew is at the mercy of Mother Nature, facing storms, ice sheets, hypothermia-inducing waters, dense fogs, rough seas and unpredictable massive icebergs. They search for, wrangle and harvest ice, and bring it back to land for the production of pure bottled water and vodka!’

The reality of the Reality: ‘Join a group of men who can’t shoot anything smaller than a mountain, as they pick on the locals in ‘Iceberg Alley’. Once out on the open sea, the crew is at mercy of nature, facing a whole load of problems that could have easily been avoided if they had just stayed home and got a normal job. They must be ‘skilled’ in searching for and wrangling the ice – as their crafty prey can evade them by running away from them at speeds of 0.005 miles an hour – and take it back to land to make water and vodka. Next episode: Men’s realisation that ice for water and vodka can be made in the freezer!’

A little more accurate yes? ;) Whether you love it or hate it, reality TV is dominating the air waves and here to stay. When it comes down to it, you have two choices: to watch TV or avoid it. Those who want to still be able to watch TV all seem to follow the same path: they will give them a chance, but eventually get sucked into the vortex of stupid, enjoy the shows and then talk about them non-stop. When these people, soon after their imminent demise, tell me that maybe I should watch TV a little more, my answer usually involves a polite but resolute ‘no’ :P

I think I’ll stick with books ;)

Until next time lovelies :)

 

Mounted cat heads, hyney’s and animal penises – The strange people who stumbled across my blog with strange Google searches July 31, 2013

As bloggers, there is nothing we like better than to visually see the virtual love our little internet space is accumulating in the form of followers, likes, comments, and more importantly, the amount of views shown on our stats pages. Whether it be 30, 300, or even 3000 views, seeing that little bar graph grow and expand is a way to let us know people have stopped by, visited our page and read our awesome blogs. On the surface, these stats and views look pretty as a picture and always give a much needed confidence boost that fellow bloggers like your stuff. After a while however, you will notice that it is not just other bloggers that are coming across your page, but also random people that have entered particular terms into a search engine, and lo’ and behold, your blog has popped up! At some point, you will become curious as to exactly what words and phrases are leading people to your blog, and will delve into the ‘Search Engine Terms’ to find out. I did as such, expecting to see a normal bunch of search terms and be able to place what searches had lead to what post. Boy was I wrong! Turns out, a lot of people have come across my blog searching for a bunch of very fucked up *ahem* strange things, in which my blog would have no doubt left them sorely disappointed :P So without further ado, here are some of the weirdest people with the weirdest Google searches to ever grace my blog!

Brace yourselves people, we are entering the underbelly of the ‘Search engine terms’ :P

‘Cockroach shit’

Really? Cockroach shit? I’m always one for weird animal facts, but come on, there has to be something a bit more interesting to spend your time googling, like cat memes! :D

‘Mounted Cat Heads’

WHAT?! WHY WOULD EVEN WANT THAT?! CAT’S ARE FOR GIGGLES AND CUDDLES, NOT TO MOUNT ON YOUR WALL! YOU GET OFF MY BLOG, AND YOU GET OFF IT NOW!

‘Hyena penis’, ‘Lion Penis’, ‘Baby Orangutan Penis’, ‘Animal penises’.

Wow people of the internet, you really like your animal penises! Sorry folks, though I have (in my ‘Useless Animal Facts’) mentioned a female hyena’s pseudo-penis and a lion’s scary spiked ding-a-ling, I don’t actually provide a whole A-Z of animal shlongs!

‘Hyney’

I seriously hope you are an atrocious speller and were searching for ‘Hyena’, because there are certainly no hyney’s on this blog! Sorry to disappoint, maybe if you get straight to point and search the terms ‘butt’ or ‘bum’ you’ll find what you’re after? :P

‘Carly Rae Jepsen butt’

Oh, well in that case……. no, there are still no butt cheeks or cracks to be seen here. Go away!

‘Nude pics from warm summer rain’

What?! What have I just been saying?! How did you even get here?! Oh wait, I know, it was when I said one of my favourite things was summer rain wasn’t it? Sorry to get your hopes up, all you would have found would have been a picture of rain, not very good masturbatory material! Here, let me make it up to you, here is a photo of a wet pussy!

Come on really, what else did you expect? ;P

‘Sailor Moon sex’

So after just specifically specifying I have no buttock’s or nude pictures, you think I’ll have hentai on here too?! SAILOR MOON IS A CHILDHOOD FAVOURITE OF MINE, GET LOST YOU HOBO!

‘Skinny teen anal’

NO NO AND NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? HAVE YOU HEARD OF A THING CALLED PORN? GO USE IT!

‘I am the reptilian satan still i am the most beautiful man alive. women love me and my huge phallus in great demand’

Ok, so when I first saw this, I searched the term assuming it could only be song lyrics………….. it’s not. I don’t even…….I can’t understand……….

WHAT?!

 I can’t even begin to unravel this one or even comprehend what post attracted this person to my blog, so all I have to say is, yes, I am quite sure you’re huge evil reptilian willy is in great demand with the ladies /pats head and slips medication into drink :P

Next time you check out your stats page, I dare you to search a little deeper into your search terms to see what you find. While you may come out of it a little scarred and have less understanding of the human race, but I promise it will give you a giggle :P Though if you decide to write a post about it like I have, be prepared to have even more weird search terms pop up over the next few weeks as a result of writing about them (I am now expecting an influx of porn/sex/phallus searches now, mother of god :P). Out of all the search terms in my list, my favourite has to be: ‘Crazy people talking about nothing’, which is stumbling across and visiting my blog for exactly the right reasons ;)

Until next time lovelies :)

 

Mid-year resolutions, because where the heck did New Years go?! July 17, 2013

So apparently it is already July, which I find highly doubtful, seriously, you’re all just joking right?! Coming to terms with this whole ‘we are already half way through the year’ business is throwing me for a sixer, considering I don’t even know where the heck the past six months has gone! What is even more scary about this way-mark is that it signifies I only have another 6 months left of my university degree. 6 months until the freedom I have desired for the past 3 and a half years. 6 months until I finally get that little printed sheet of paper declaring to the world that I am a scientist and qualified in Animal Behaviour. 6 months until I am no longer a student and have to face the ‘real world’, and even worse, pay full price for everything…. eeep! :P 4 years of what has been a huge part of my life if coming to a close, and in a way, it makes me a little sad, but has also inspired me to make some resolutions for myself (that I failed to make on New Years because I can’t even remember it coming and going!) that I am determined to follow in order to make the rest of this year worth my while, while at the same time, working towards a better and happier me :)

I, creator of Remain Insane, Gemma [insert embarrassing last name here], declare that:

1) I will blog about the things that I wish to blog about without fear of judgement, and as a result, will post every fortnight

The biggest problem I have had with blogging for the past 8 months is my constant fear of judgement. I have always been told I have a way with my writing and the way I word things makes for a hilarious read, and after seeing all of my lovely followers responses to my ‘funny’ entries, it has become something I pride myself on. Personally, if I can’t make people laugh, I feel as if I am failing as a human being :P As a result I have let the ranting and creative side of me flourish, received so much positive feedback and loved writing each and every post. But on the other side of it, I have also made myself afraid to blog about other things, things that are a little more serious but mean a lot to me, in fear that I will disappoint and lose followers left, right and centre. It has been over a whole year since I started this blog, and I am yet to even write one of the first posts I had ever planned to about my beloved orang-utans. Letting one side of you flourish while repressing the other works out ok to begin with, but after a while you begin to feel it through your own writing, and for me, this has come in the form of I want to talk about something serious, feel as if I can’t, try and force myself to be entertaining even when I’m not feeling it, which then just ends with a temper tantrum as well as a shit tonne of posts getting deleted and never making it on to my actual blog. It has reached the point now even ranting Gemma just ain’t showing up when I demand her to, because serious Gemma wants to have some viewing time. So, I am going to let her. Never fear, I am not going to go manic depressive on you and fill your newsfeeds with what can be compared to a 12-year-old going through a break-up on Facebook :P Simply, I am no longer going to be afraid to write about the things that mean a lot to me like animal welfare and conservation. My blog’s content is not going to change and a whole load of snort-worthy ranting will continue to ensue, the only change will be you should be seeing a lot more of me and my posts :) At the end of the day, you have to blog for you :)

2) I will stop being so harsh on my body and expect too much of it in too little time

For a long time now, I have wanted to partake in regular exercise to tone up a little bit of excess fat here and there. Problem is, I expect too much of myself in a small amount of time. I am that person who will do 300 sit-ups and then whine at my belly ‘WHY AREN’T YOU FLAT YET!’ the very next day. Then, because I can’t see results, I give up and do nothing. Then rinse and repeat. This is completely unfair on my poor body, and I think it knows this too, as more often than not it’ll make me bloat like crazy the day after a workout just to spite me :P No more! I have made myself a 30 day workout plan, and I WILL stick to it. Currently on day two, and the familiar aching in my muscles is letting me know I have planned a doozy of a month for myself, but I am hoping it’ll be worth it. And in order to visibly show myself that change IS possible when I give myself the chance, I have taken a Day 1 photo and at the end of the month will compare it to a Day 30 photo. Alongside this exercise I am also going to make sure I eat healthier. My main issue is snacking, so I am going to try and eat 3 set meals a day while only having a few snacks here and there. In saying that though, I will treat myself with chocolate if the opportunity  arises ;) During this month I vow not to try and look for instant results, however I do give myself permission to whinge if I stick to my plan and Day 1 and Day 30 end up looking the same :P

3) I will be more positive, face the world with a smile and choose to be happy

 As of late I have come across a truly inspirational girl (will go into more detail later, she seriously just deserves a blog post of her own to do her justice), and she is one of the happiest most endearing souls you will ever come across. Her positive mindset, the love she has for herself as a person and the fact that she is only 16 years old but is helping heal 1000’s of young girls body confidence and teaching them to learn to love who they are is absolutely amazing. It is because of this girl I have decided to alter my attitude towards myself and life in general. Some people would look on what I have said as an odd choice of words: ‘choose to be happy’. But the more I practice this the more I find it is true. A saying I came across a while ago has really stuck with me: ‘Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% on how you react to it’. This, coupled with another quote from said wonderful human being above: ‘My life is my creation’, are already beginning to help me learn to love myself more and see what an impact your mindset has on your lifestyle. In every situation you have a choice on how you react to it. Even in a bad situation you can choose to let it hurt you long after it has happened, or you can choose to accept it happened and allow yourself to become a better more knowledgeable person because of it. Seriously, this will have a post of its own later :)

4) I will make every day count and live in the present

Being July already has made me realise how fast life goes, and I don’t want to miss a moment of it. Some days I feel like I have not achieved anything and wasted them either upset about the past or worrying about the future, or simply, by doing absolutely nothing. When in reality, you don’t have to go sky diving or do something extravagant every day of your life to make them worthwhile. I want to make sure every day means something to me. I will appreciate the little things more, like the cute look on my cats face when he stretches, or my boyfriend giving me a tender kiss on the forehead. Going on day trips, planning interstate or overseas trips, starting a new book, playing an hour of my favourite video game, blogging, catching up with a friend, cuddling on the couch with Steven watching a movie, every day is precious, and the things in my life are precious, and I want to appreciate them the amount that they deserve.

5) I will enjoy my last 6 months of study

I breathe books, live for video gaming, and to add to my already apparent ‘nerd’ status, I love science. While I’ve bitched and whinged about my study for the past 3 years, when it comes down to it, I have really enjoyed it. I adore biology and the secrets it uncovers about the process of evolution and behaviour. I love the fact that I can not just watch animal documentaries, but understand them on a new intellectual level. I even further love the fact I understand what has now become my absolute favourite pick-up line: ‘If I were an enzyme I’d be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes!’, and can spend hours of my spare time giggling over lame chemistry jokes such as ‘Sodium Sodium Sodium Sodium Batman!’. With my study coming to a close, I feel a little sad that this intellectual journey is almost over, so I will appreciate it for all it is worth, 9am – 5pm laboratory practicals and all ;) But I will not let this be the end of my learning, and will continue to expand my knowledge on biology for the rest of my life. I appreciate the passion for learning that my course has given me, and I will continue to do it justice long after I receive my Bachelor of Science :)

Lets face it, New Years resolutions never seem to work out anyway, as usually we make them spur of the moment to ensure we have plans for the new year. So here’s hoping that my mid-year resolutions are going to much more effective and successful, seeing as I have had a whole 6 months to think about them ;)

Until next time lovelies :)

 

The memoires of a crazy cat June 18, 2013

Let’s face it, cats are freaking nuts. And as with anyone who has ever owned a cat in the history of ever, I have always thought that my own, Jasper, has always been a little bat-shit-crazy…. weird. Maybe this is because of the deprivation of oxygen and the death of a few hundred brain cells when he got stuck in-between the couch cushions before we owned him. Maybe this is because Steven and I have just driven him insane. But maybe, just maybe, this is because he is, and always has been, a conniving mastermind playing dumb, waiting each day for his moment to strike. Upon finding Jasper’s ultra secret diary, my suspicions have been confirmed, with his schemes beginning from the very first day we brought him home, but not always going exactly as planned….

Jaspers Diary

Day 1: Catnapped!

Dear Diary,

Today, whilst ransacking the warden’s kitchen with my siblings, to prove the point that his mere ‘cat barriers’ were no match for our cunning, the day took an unexpected and horrible turn…… I was kidnapped. Abducted! Stolen from my home! The warden was in on it too, he handed me over, just like that! I am now beginning to think he was running some type of illegal cat trading agency. Bastard. My two captors consisted of a tall male and a squealing female who seemed disturbingly obsessed with picking me up and squeezing me (Note: overheard them referring to it as a ‘hug’, must remember to run when same word is used in the future.). Once we reached my new prison, I tried to strike fear into their hearts by viciously attacking one of the dangling objects they waved in my face, but miraculously my attempts went unnoticed, with them referring to me as ‘cute’. Unbelievable. Perhaps if I play the cute card and allow them think they have won me over, they will reveal their diabolical plans for me sooner. I will watch. I will wait.

Unhand me woman!

Day 44: Strange objects

Dear Diary,

My captors are yet to reveal their purpose for me, at the present time, they seem completely content with just ‘owning’ me, which is completely absurd. They don’t fool me for a second. Over the past months they seem to think I have been ‘happy’ because I am eating and playing with the numerous fluffy and bouncing things they have bought me. But in honesty, I have only been scarfing the meagre rations to keep my strength up, as well as practice killing manoeuvres on the ‘toys’ to ensure that when the opportunity presents itself, I will be able to escape. I suppose this place is comely enough, but my captors are strange humans (they mock me by constantly meowing at me), and this place contains too many objects I don’t understand. Like the strange object they erected in the loungeroom today. It is quite obviously some kind of climbing structure for me, why else would they have made it look like a tree? Yet when I assumed as much and began my ascent to the star shaped object sitting on top, they took me away from it and told me I mustn’t climb it again. Naturally, I ignored them, which ended in me locked in solitary confinement for 30 minutes. Not to mention the complete embarrassment when I mistook ‘pictures’ on the black box they like to watch as real things and promptly face-planted a solid object. The horse was MOVING, how was I meant to know! My captors laughed at me until they were in tears. Oh the shame.

They'll never find me in here!

They’ll never find me in here!

Day 103: New love

Dear Diary,

It was only a week ago that I first laid eyes on her. I no longer sit at the window day-dreaming of my escape – escape no longer seems so important at the present time – but instead I sit and wait for her. At first she didn’t pay me any attention, she was too occupied with rubbing against my captors legs when they were out in the yard (preposterous!) but finally she noticed me! I sat eagerly at the window as she approached, hoping I had remembered to groom myself that day, but alas, rather than love at first sniff, she hissed at me and stalked off. I am not disheartened, and will continue to try to win her affections. The captors however have been making this next to impossible though by refusing to let me outside the house (due to ‘roads’ and ‘cars’, bah!). How am I meant to woo said female without being able to interact with her?! To voice this disgusting injustice, I have found a delightful new way to irk the captors. After using my litter tray, I have vowed to scratch anywhere but the litter. The wall, the floor, even the air, I will flail my paws in any random direction and scratch, as this seems to infuriate female captor, even more so when I take the extra dedication to smear my faeces across the walls. I will get to my female at any cost.

My love, come back!

Day 200: Mutilated

Dear Diary,

My female is now forever out of my reach. She still gracefully dances through my window watching from time to time, but no longer do I long for her, as the captors conducted an atrocity of the most heinous kind…….. they took my manhood. This place has taken a turn for the worse, changing from a mere prison to a torture chamber.  I had grown complacent with the captors, with their food and displays of affection, for I had begun to believe they may be too simple minded and soft hearted to have had any ulterior motives for me. But now, more than ever, I realise that escape must always remain my number one priority, lest I fall victim to another session with the captors accomplice: the ‘Vet’.

The horror.

Day 315: Transferred

Dear Diary,

Today the captors transferred me to a new containment facility via the horrid metal beast, with all of our belongings in tow. This prison is an upgraded version of the last, with a long hallway for running, large windows for bird watching and a giant floor scratching post that the captors call ‘carpet’. This transferral is no doubt due to my good behaviour as of late, as I have ensured I have been extra ‘cute’ in order to reassure the captors I do not harbour any negative feelings towards them. I am sure this will eventually lead to a lax in their surveillance of me, and that is when I will strike. I was positive that this opportunity had presented itself to me today in the form of an open door, but alas, it was not so. I raced towards it as fast as my legs could carry me before the captors noticed only to, again, face-plant a solid object. Heard the captors calling this new devilry a ‘screen door’, obviously installed there with the sole purpose of tormenting me. I think I may have to find a way to drown them in their water bed tonight.

Soon I will escape this hell hole!

Day 406: New prisoner

Dear Diary,

The captors have brought home another prisoner. I was hoping that this new inmate would be of some use to me, as either an accomplice or a scapegoat, in my efforts to escape, but contact with the animal is not possible. The small creature has been placed in a glass box filled to the brim with water, and is under even more strict solitary confinement than I. I am now questioning my captors sanity even further, as I can only conclude this prisoner is placed in such a thing because a) The captors have designed a new type of torture device – one which I can only assume they will one day use on me, or b) He is a truly vicious beast (maybe he is a homicidal maniac) and has to be kept in such a way for our safety. Upon observing him and his beady little eyes, I have decided it is the latter, and that he is best to be avoided. Though, at the rate my food supply is dwindling (captors have changed me to new food, said I was getting too fat!), I may at some point be forced to confront the beast and eat him. Better him than me.

Who knows what crimes this thing has committed to be under such strict confinement?!

Day 500: The end is nigh

Dear Diary,

500 days. 500 days I have been with my captors, and ……. I think I have finally discovered the captors plans for me, but I fear it is too late…….. I… I think I am becoming domesticated. Last week it was playing fetch outside with the female captor, happily bringing her back the stick like a dog! Yesterday it was waiting patiently by the door for male captor to return from his day duties. Today I even caught myself sitting on female captors lap because it was a cool winters day. THE SHAME! I can’t believe I have been so blind as to let them manipulate me so, it stops now! Tonight, I must do it tonight before they continue their diabolical plot. I will find a way to distract them and finally escape as I should have a long time ago. I will leave after dinner, tonight they are preparing roast chicken, which I am quite fond of. Perhaps I’ll first play a game of chasey with the captors too, for old times sake. Hmm, tonight looks to be a little cold, and my bed is awfully warm, maybe I should wait? Yes. Yes I will wait. Tomorrow. Maybe.

Escape…… later…… zzzzzzzzz.

While your plans may have not worked out over the past year and a half Jasper, it’s nice to know our evil ‘domesticate cat’ plan certainly has ;)

Until next time lovelies :)

 

Hey Mr. Grumpy Gills! June 5, 2013

It can begin with something as little as having to go to work or school. Maybe some asshole customer was rude to you, or you stubbed your toe. Sometimes it begins with simply just having to get out of bed. It doesn’t matter what mood you’re in either – be it happy, sad, chilled out –  all it takes is for a single event to occur or word to be said and suddenly……..

A bad mood, the grumbles, or a severe case of the crankies strikes! In one swift stroke, you have been transformed from a calm and normal human that is able to handle irritating situations into someone who has the capability to break into a rage over everything and anything!

No….. paper…… towels?!

These seedy little bastards like to crop up and turn you into a raging hulk at any given opportunity, lurking behind every human interaction or dropped pencil. And what’s worse, once you have caught a case of the crankies, it is near impossible to get out of it! I hear you say ‘But Gemma, a smile and a positive attitude will fix that grumpy mood!’. This is easier said than done, and can sometimes put you even more on edge. If you look anything like me when I try to smile while furious, I recommend to just keep the ‘I’m angry’ face. You might look like a grump, but you will be less likely to make small children cry.

Once a bad mood has wormed its way into our day, you either try and get rid of that bitch quick, or be doomed to experience what shall be dubbed as ‘The Three Stages of Anger’. Each is a different phase of severity, but if you do not break a bad mood fast these naturally occurring stages will help shit hit the fan (figuratively or literally, depending on level of sanity retained while raging) in no time!

Stage 1: Annoyance and Denial

Stage 1 usually begins with something small, maybe someone has just told you the ending to a movie you were really looking forward to see, or maybe you happened to pick the one trolley that screeches like a banshee so people stare at you while you do your shopping.

Usually this stage will happen early on in your day, and is often the beginning of a cascade of irritating situations. You are peeved off and annoyed, but still have enough sense to realise how strange it would look to have a temper tantrum over something so small, so you exercise your self control and attempt to act as if nothing has happened. You try to convince yourself that it didn’t bother you and that it would be silly to get angry over something little…… but you can’t help but feeling a little bit pissy.

Stage 2: Frustration and Contemplation

The beginning of Stage 2 is often triggered by a series of unfortunate events after the initial cause of Stage 1, where each successive event has felt just that little bit more dramatic and anger worthy. You have now surpassed the level of self control you still held in Stage 1, and are now prone to random outbursts of rage at any given moment.

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By this point you have given up on denial and have accepted the fact that you are in a bad mood and begin to hate everything. Rather than trying to pretend these things aren’t bothering you, you begin to contemplate and fantasize about exactly how much you could get away with, like: ‘I wonder how that person would react if I were to sock them in the face?’ or ‘How many items could I throw off of this shelf before security tackles me?’

 Stage 3: Infuriation and Destruction

The onslaught of this final stage usually begins the same way Stage 1 does, with something so completely and insignificantly small it usually would not even warrant a mild swear. But by this point, you no longer recognise this nor care. With all inhibitions and self control thrown to the wind, your simmering bad mood is just waiting for an excuse to boil over. And when Stage 3 hits, a simple every-day interaction with someone can result in, what looks like from an outsiders perspective, a completely unjustified bat-shit crazy reaction.

‘Hi, how are you?’

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After this stage it is usually best to go home and lie low for a while, as you have probably been labelled as a public menace with anger management issues :P

While some people try smiling their way through a bad mood or forcing themselves out of it, there is only one holdfast solution to get rid of a grumpy mood once and for all:

Watch Finding Nemo ;)

Until next time lovelies :)

 

 
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