Remain Insane

Ramblings of an animal loving, people hating, game enthusing, book nerd :D

Australia – What they didn’t show you in the adverts July 13, 2012

Welcome friends, to Australia! Please take a seat as we give you a brief walk-through of our wonderful country and the sights you will be seeing during your stay! The Sydney Opera House, Sydney Harbour, Uluru, The Great Barrier Reef, The Great Ocean Road . . . . . . no doubt these are the things you have been shown in the lovely pretty brochures of our country, but we will not be discussing these things today, oh no, we will be talking about the wildlife! While Kangaroos and Koalas are of course some of our native icons, there are many more . . . . . . interesting beasties that you will no doubt encounter at some point in your wild adventures! So please sit back, relax (paper bags can be located on your left in case of hyperventilation) and enjoy the side-show on the poisonous and dangerous, oh, I mean, the wonderful and fascinating creatures of Australia!

The Little Things

Here in the land down under, we have a range of creepy crawlies roaming completely free throughout our terrain (and houses) for your own personal viewing pleasure! There are thousands of these things all over Australia, so no doubt you will be lucky enough to get up close and personal with some of the following, neat huh?!

The Red-Back Spider

Easily identifiable by the red stripe on its back, the Red-Back Spider is considered one of Australia’s most dangerous spiders! It has a neurotoxic venom that, if injected into a human through a bite, causes severe pain, nausea, vomiting, fever and muscle spasms for up to 24 hours!

The White-Tailed Spider

Also containing a nifty venom, if this guy bites you, you are most likely to experience nausea, swelling, and receive a whopping big skin lesion, ulcer or blister that could lead to wide-spread skin loss, as the poison in its bite can rapidly kill skin cells!

The Funnel Web Spider

The Funnel Web Spider is one of the three most poisonous spiders in the world! Its acidic venom can cause muscle spasms, elevated heartbeat and respiratory distress, and can kill a person within 15 minutes!

The Huntsman Spider

Ranging from a 20 cent piece to the size of a man’s hand, this whopper is found EVERYWHERE. And when I say everywhere, I mean there is probably about 100 in this room right now, those little buggers just love to get right into all of our buildings and even snuggle up to you while you sleep!

The Bird-Eating Spider

Located in the warmer regions of Queensland, they are recognised as Australia’s largest spider. While their venom does not pose a lethal outcome (at least for humans anyway), these spiders have ridiculously long fangs to match their ridiculously large body, with their chompers sometimes growing up to 9cm!

The Scaley

Like snakes? Wonderful, we have plenty! Australia happens to be the very proud owner of some of the world’s most poisonous reptiles! We also happen to own a very large reptile species that is a direct descendant of the dinosaurs and is completely capable of successfully hunting man!

The Inland Taipan

Ladies and gentleman, I present to you, the most venomous snake in the world! It can kill an adult human in 45 minutes, and one bite contains enough poison to kill 100 people, or 250, 000 mice! Shy but highly intelligent, they are mostly found in our deserts, so watch your step, we don’t want you stepping on our world record holder!

Eastern Brown Snake 

While it is not much to look at, the Eastern Brown Snake of Aus currently holds second place in the world’s most venomous snakes! From the horrified looks on your faces, I can reassure you dear visitors that fortunately these magnificent beasts are found all around our country, so it is complete guarantee that you shall get that close encounter you so dearly desire! Lucky you!

The Saltwater Crocodile

Growing up to 8 metres in length, able to propel themselves half of their own body length out of the water, with a deadly death roll and a snap pressure of 15 tonne in its jaws (aka, what it would feel like if you got hit by a truck), the Saltwater Crocodile is one of the world’s most dangerous predators. After thousands of years of hard work, evolution has perfected the crocodile and his hunting abilities, with one of the most admirable aspects being able to find patterns in their chosen preys behaviour to maximise their hunting. Planning on taking a dip in our rivers or ocean? Just make sure you play nice and share, crocs are not only found in rivers, but on beaches all across the top of Australia, happy swimming!

The Sea Dwellers

While crocs can be found in both river and ocean, we certainly can’t let them take centre stage for our sea creatures! Nothing says: ‘I visited Australia!’ like an encounter with and a scar from one of these guys!

Box Jellyfish

We have another record holder folks! Classed as one of the most poisonous animals in the world, the Box Jellyfish is usually mostly transparent, so it’ll sting you before you even know it! Each of its tentacles contain 500, 000 cnidocytes (harpoon-like spikes), each of which can be used to pump venom into its unsuspecting prey…… that is a lot of poisonous spikes!

Blue Ringed Octopus

While only quite small, this little guys poison is strong enough to kill humans. Even better, there is no existing antivenom available to with-hold the poison which is 10, 000 times more toxic than cyanide! You have to rely on your own body to fight it off, lets hope you have a healthy immune system!

Stone Fish

Watch where you step! This fish, known as the most poisonous of its kind, often looks like a mere rock or piece of coral, allowing us unsuspecting humans to step on one of its 13 venomous spikes!

The Great White Shark

While Bondi Beach may look inviting, this is what awaits unsuspecting surfers under the surface! Seeing this large predatory fish with 300 serrated teeth travelling towards you at 24km an hour might seem quite scary, but I swear he is just smiling and wants to give you a grand welcome to his territory!

The slightly fabricated Beasties

While many will try to tell you that these beasts are merely local Australian myths, you never EVER want to underestimate these crafty creatures that are shrouded by an air of mystery!

Bunyip

Found to be lurking in swamps, billabongs, riverbeds and waterholes, the word Bunyip literally translates to ‘devil’. Believed to be an evil spirit working his magic at night, the Bunyip likes to prey on lone campers near the Murray River, often leaving no trace of the unfortunate souls it devours.

Drop Bears

For those seeking an animal with a bit more oomph than wussy and fluffy creatures, look no further than the Drop Bear! A new evolutionary strain of the cute and leaf-eating Koala, this unusually large, vicious and carnivorous animal likes to attack its prey by dropping on their heads from above! If you are a little frightened of these vicious Koala’s, never fear, a fork in your hair and a little Vegemite behind your ear completely deters the creatures from targeting you ;)

So there you have it my lovely visitors! I’ll take it by the shocked looks on your faces you are in complete awe of our creatures and can’t wait to leave the de-brief to begin to come face to face with each and every single one! Now I will just open the door to let you out . . . . . .what’s wrong? What are you all waiting for?! Get out there and explore our wonderful country! No sir, you can not get back on the plane, it is currently under maintenance for the next week, aren’t you lucky you are completely stranded in such a lovely place! Ma’am please, sobbing is really not necessary. You are surrounded by so many interesting animals, why not go and enjoy it! And if you haven’t been to Australia yet to bask in our wildlife: Where the bloody hell are ya?! ;)

 

48 Responses to “Australia – What they didn’t show you in the adverts”

  1. sezkg Says:

    Hahahahahahahaha wow! Out of these animals I’ve encountered red backs, a million huntsmans (I haaaaaaate them!), 1 white-tailed spider when I was home alone just before I was about to go to bed…. scared the crap out of me! And one eastern brown snake and one drop bear…. ok so maybe not the drop bear! I love living in Australia! See ya tomorrow! xx

    • Gemma Says:

      I have run into red backs, huntsmans, white-tailed spiders and brown snakes, all of which I absolutely hate . . . . . especially the huntsman that decided to join me in bed one day! :P Drop bears are certainly fearsome haha ;)

  2. willandbobby Says:

    Holy shit, this is awesome. I’m not really one for travelling, and it’s a good thing, because if I somehow woke up and found myself in Australia, I might just curl up into a ball and cry.

    Let’s be realistic though, how frequently do you encounter any of these animals/bugs?

    If the answer is anything more than “absolutely never,” you’re definitely one of the toughest people in the world. If I even thought there was a chance I might encounter one of those spiders, I don’t know what I’d do.

    I think I’d wear a full set of armor all the time if I were there.

    Anyway, great post! As much of a child as I am, I still thing this is totally awesome.

    Also, I had no idea Drop Bears existed, and it basically makes me think of Koala’s as pokemon with Drop Bears as their evolved form. Because, again, I’m a child.

    • Gemma Says:

      Hahaha I’m glad you enjoyed reading it! :D Realisticly, where I live in South Australia, you are very likely to run into red back spiders, white tailed spiders, LOADS of huntsman spiders, and eastern brown snakes! All of which I have had the pleasure of coming face to face with….. even had a huntsman decide my face would be a nice place to sleep….I was a bit emotionally scarred after that :P A full set of armour doesn’t sound like a bad idea at all, god forbid though that a spider gets in there, imagine how long it could take to get the armour off ;P I swear at the wildlife park I used to work our Koala’s evolved into Drop Bears overnight, I never knew when they would attack me next :P Thanks for stopping by and subscribing! :D

      • willandbobby Says:

        Haha, your post has totally justified my agoraphobia, and I’m sure my well-travelled girlfriend thanks you for that!

      • Gemma Says:

        Living in Australia personally created my own Agoraphobia and Arachnophobia, so it really is completely justifed I assure you! :P

  3. Carrie Says:

    The awesome part is, after reading this, I STILL want to visit Australia. :-)

  4. beckyday6 Says:

    Bllleeeeuuughhhhhhhhhh! It’s the snakes I couldn’t deal with! And well…..probably the spiders too. You know funny enough I’ve never had the urge to visit Australia, mainly because of the snakes! Haha.

    • Gemma Says:

      Well if you ever do happen to visit, probably avoid coming in summer, the snakes tend to get active around that time of year and even make their way into houses! :P The spiders are always everywhere, they are the things I can’t stand :P

  5. hahahah okay you made me laugh heaps. i went there in the same thoughts like “yeah, some snakes.. that’s gonna be alright” first week at school we watched a movie about all of your mentioned animals and I freaked out! Like seriously, I freaked! Haha, my hostdad told me that their house should be safe though, but still.. it’s crazy! :-D I’m glad that I NEVER came across one of those things in those 4 months.. though there was a shark near the beach.. But yeah. Crazy country. I’ll still return though :-P

    • Gemma Says:

      Hehe :D Hahaha yeah I don’t think many people realise how many dangerous animals there actually are around here! :P Luckily you never came into contact with any! Where abouts did you stay? I’m surprised a few spiders didn’t decide to pay you a little visit, those things seem to be fricken everywhere here! :P Definately is a crazy place, but I am glad you will brave the wildlife and return to visit! :D

      • Well I might have seen them, but no realizing that they actually are the dangerous ones! Spider look the same to me, however they look like haha..
        I stayed in Benowa – next to Surfers Paradise. :-D

      • Gemma Says:

        Haha yeah usually I don’t wait around long enough to identify them, I just run as soon as I see the whole 8 legs thing hehe :P That would have been a lovely place to stay! :D

      • I might have done the same if I’d been in that situation.. but on the other hand I wouldn’t know which one is really dangerous.. maybe that’s why I never thought about it that much :P And I guess they won’t just bite you if you’re not doing anything (unlike the jelly fish I guess)
        Oh yes, it was lovely there =)

  6. that drop bear thing freaks me out- i hope its just a wet koala with lots of photoshop lol!
    i love australia, been there twice for a month, i would even move to the land down under! big fan here :)

    • Gemma Says:

      You never know with Drop Bears, they like to look all cute and cuddly like Koala’s, lull you into a false sense of security and then strike ;) Haha I am glad these animals haven’t put you off of our country! :)

  7. ThatRobHall Says:

    Once I stopped laughing I had time to realise that this is just a list of reasons NOT to visit Australia. Plus, if the bloggers are anything to go by, there’s another reason – they’re all crazy! ;)

    • Gemma Says:

      :D Hahahaha I actually wondered how many people I might accidentally scare off :P Haha oh definately, we are all a bit cracked up over here, completely mental! ;)

  8. mandarox Says:

    Hahaha, awesome. I was suprised by how many of them I’ve seen! You also forgot the platypus, the only poisonous mammal in the world :P I love Australia so much <3

    You've also inspired me to rant about the many Aussie mammals that people have no idea exist. Hope it comes out as funny as this one :)

    • Gemma Says:

      I actually completely forgot about the platypus! It’s just so cute I forget that it is poisonous :P Though I absolutely hate our spiders, I love living in Australia too :) I’m sure it will, I look forward to reading it lovely! :D

  9. Jessica Says:

    Dear lord, Gemma! I want to visit Australia someday, but seeing all those spiders…eeeekkkkk! I might have to rethink my travel bucket list. Thanks a lot. :-P

    • Gemma Says:

      Hahaha you’re welcome ;) The type of spiders you will encounter will depend on where you are, huntsmans tend to be everywhere, the funnel webs are mainly around Sydney, and the Bird Eating Spiders are in Queensland, if that is any help hehe :P Maybe come in a biohazard suit, just to be safe :P

  10. Jeremy Says:

    I think :O is sufficient for this post, however I’m a bit of a wild child, totally like to do daring things…going to put visit Australia on the list between “reenact Eval Knievel” and “climbing K2″ :P

    • Jeremy Says:

      Oh, and I like to see your use of venom instead of poison :) Another thing that tends to iriitate me

      • Gemma Says:

        Hahaha conquering Australia should definately be on everyone’s to do list! ;P In my Animal classes they have always just used the word venom, so I guess its out of habit :P I will try to refrain from using the word poison in your presence in the future haha :P

  11. Bassas Blog Says:

    I like the slightly fabricated Beasties – especially the Drop Bear! :)

    • Gemma Says:

      Drop Bears are certainly quite interesting! (from a distance hehe :P) Two koala’s at my work decided they would try the Drop Bear lifestyle and attack me from above, it was quite terrifying :P

  12. If I’ve learned anything from Cracked.com, it’s to never, EVER underestimate the animals of Australia, so I’m glad you included the “slightly fabricated” beasties – better safe than sorry! Also, after scrolling very very quickly through the spiders and snakes, I think I’ll just let you guys have your country to yourself. You can keep it. It’s not worth it.

    • Gemma Says:

      Hahaha yes it is usually the spiders and snakes that do it :P I assure you Australia is really a lovely place, it just has a lot of phobias lurking around the corner :P After living here all my life I have gotten used to it, still doesn’t mean I don’t scream like a little girl whenever I see a spider though hehe :P Maybe just come visit for a week? :P

  13. Matt Stone Says:

    ….And I will never, ever, ever go outside again.

  14. Interesting, although I could definitely do without the creepy crawlies.

  15. Just popped back again to let you know I gave you an award on my latest post. I hope you like it.

  16. Harshil Says:

    Good reason for why the adverts should never show this !
    For someone like me who is careful not to get scratched by the odd kitten, this is scary stuff.

    The Red-Back looks like the guy that bit Peter Parker to give him you-know-what and the drop bears are like Kung Fu Panda X Resident Evil !

    Awesome blog !!

    • Gemma Says:

      Hahaha Australia is definately not for the faint hearted thats for sure ;) I think some Australian’s don’t even know of these animals, so I have a feeling if any advert was shown here about them they’d suddenly be a mass exodus from Aus :P I wish the Red backs could give me that sort of power! Sadly, their bites just hurt like a bitch :P Thankyou my dear, thankyou for stopping by and commenting! :)

  17. […] aside Gandalf!), or the time I very successfully scared some people off of coming to Australia (Australia – What they didn’t show you in the adverts), or my most popular post, a raging rant on why I hate people (which was just the tip of the […]


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