Remain Insane

Ramblings of an animal loving, people hating, game enthusing, book nerd :D

The customer is always right. March 24, 2013

And if by ‘customer’ you mean ‘spawn of Satan’, and by ‘right’ you mean ‘incurably stupid’, then yes, the ‘customer’ is ALWAYS ‘right’ ūüôā

Ah people, the worst part of everyone’s day! No matter what department you work in or career you have chosen, I think we all dread the moment¬†we have to open up shop and let the mindless hordes into our workplace.

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In terms of customers, my first job at a wildlife park was great. Being a keeper, you don’t have to give¬†a flying dog crap about the customers, you are there for the animals! Sure, you get some pretty idiotic questions, but at the end of the day, as long as the animals are taken care of, your job is done. My new job however, may be at a pet store with cute fluffy baby animals, but is (shudder) a customer service job. I have been at said job now for 6 months now…… and lets just say I wish my workplace had this policy:

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After having what may possibly be the most stupid conversation with a customer¬†in my life the other day, I thought I would share some of my most stupid customer questions/stories that have personally happened to me or have been told to me by my lovely boyfriend Steven who knows the ins and outs of idiocy that is displayed at a grocery store. I mean, what good are these stupid experiences if they can’t at least be used for a laugh right? ūüėõ

Customers in a wildlife park

Customer 1 –¬†when conducting a show where customers may hold a baby crocodile:

Why is there tape on the crocodiles mouth? – said the lady who had just watched me catch the croc while it was trying to bite my fingers

Customer¬†2 –¬†upon seeing the baby crocodile:

Oh, can I hold the big one instead? /points to the three metre croc that could, oh I don’t know, MAYBE RIP HIS F*CKING LEG OFF?!

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Customer 3:

Do you ever like put the crocodiles in harnesses and take them for walks?

Customer 4:

Can I ride the donkey? – Said the fully grown adult twice the size of the donkey

Customer 5:

Can I ride a kangaroo? – Said the American woman who clearly took our ‘We ride kangaroos to school’ joke a little too seriously

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Customer 6:

Excuse me, do you work here? РAsked the woman while I was in the buffalo enclosure up to my elbows in animal shit

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No lady, I don’t work here, I’m just doing this for shits and giggles.

Customers in a Grocery store

Customer 7 Р taking her purchases through the checkout at about 7pm:

Worker: Have a good day!

Customer: /walks off and then goes up to the service desk

I’d like to make a complaint!

Manager: And what was that?

Customer: That girl over there¬†told me to¬†‘Have a good day’, when it’s actually¬†night-time.

Customer 8 Р looking for an item:

Customer: Excuse me, do you have Susan Day Fairy Cakes?

Steven: No, we haven’t been able to get them in for a while now sorry.

Customer: That’s bullshit! The people who do the orders need a f*cking¬†bomb shoved up their ass!

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Customers in a Pet Store

Customer¬†9 –¬†interested in buying a dog:

Um, so, like what do dogs eat? РSaid the guy who I really hope was trolling

Customer 10 Рwanting to buy a rat:

Co-worker: Okay dokey, so do you have food for him?

Customer: No, I’ll buy that next week.

Co-worker: Oh….. but you want the rat now?

Customer: Yes.

Co-worker: So what do you plan on feeding him with for the next week?

Customer: He’ll be ok without it for a week won’t he?

Customer’s¬†11 and 12 –¬†There was a sign at the front of the store on a puppy pen saying ‘Guinea Pigs: now only $10!’ In said puppy pen was a Border Collie puppy:

Customer 11: Oh my gosh, look at that giant guinea pig!

Customer 12: Excuse me, can we please buy the $10 dog?

Customer¬†13 –¬†interested in buying a puppy:¬†

Can I put that dog on layby for a month? – Asked the man who didn’t seem to understand that puppies grow

Customer 14 –¬†paying for her purchases:

Co-worker: That’ll be $135 thankyou.

Customer: /takes money out of her wallet, hands it over to co-worker

Co-worker: You need twelve more dollars.

Customer: What does that mean?

Co-worker: You need $12 more.

Customer: I don’t understand, I didn’t go to school to learn this shit! – Exclaimed the woman who is not known¬†for her brainage

Customer 15 –¬†asking for dog medical advice:

Customer: Hi, my dog is throwing up and dehydrated, do have anything I can give it?

Me: Um, I think you should be taking your dog to the vet immediately.

Customer: Oh, why?!

Customer 16:

Customer: How much are your puppies?

Me: Which one? (we have 9 different puppy pens)

Customer: That one. (gestures to the right that has 4 puppy pens)

Me: Which one over there?

Customer: That one! (waves his hand again in the general direction to the right)

Me: Top or bottom?

Customer: Bottom I think.

Me: Left or right?

Customer: Left, I mean right…. your right?

Me: Do you know its name?

Customer: Yeah, the staffy pups, on the top right!

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Because saying ‘the Staffy pups’ to begin with was¬†super hard hey?

Customer 17 – asking prices about dogs and the man who inspired this post¬†¬†–

Customer: Excuse me, how much is this dog?

Me: Three hundred and ninety five dollars.

Customer: Ok, how much is this one compared to that one?

Me: Both are three hundred and ninety five dollars.

Customer: So you mean I could get both dogs for only $395?!

Me: /sigh No, they are three ninety five EACH.

Customer: Wait, so each dog is only $3.95 each?!

Me: …………….. No, they are THREE HUNDRED AND NINETY FIVE DOLLARS EACH.

Customer: But you said they were three ninety five each?

Me: Yes, meaning EACH dog ON ITS OWN is $395.

Customer: Wait, so its $395 for one dog, not both?

Me: YES.

Customer: And they are $395, not $3.95?

Me: YES.

Customer: So I can’t get two dogs for $395?

Me: NO.

Customer: Oooooooooooh! Wait I’m still confused!

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¬†Humans: we’re certainly¬†bred for our intelligence right? ūüėČ

Until next time my lovely readers,

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‘The English langauge is spoken fluently throughout Western society’….said no one ever September 12, 2012

Filed under: The People Hating — Gemma @ 6:42 pm
Tags: , , , , , , ,

For any other animal, the word evolution means that a fascinating and wondrous change has occurred for the better. Whether it be ‘this animal has evolved wings’ or¬†‘that animal has evolved to be the fastest thing on the planet’, evolution is forever¬†looking for ways to improve¬†the creatures it has so carefully crafted, and continues to work towards new improvements every day. Unfortunately, an evolution of sorts has occurred in humans and has been out of natures control to improve it. And¬†rather than this movement¬†taking leaps forward as an ‘evolutionary¬†movement’ should, it has made mankind sound like a total bunch of buffoons:

The evolution of the English language.

While there are some real doozies, the following are what I belive are some of the worst words/sayings to ever grace our lovely language. And this is only the tip of the iceberg folks, it’s a downward spiral from here!

Exhibit A: YOLO

Definition: I’m a¬†moron! You only live once.

Used in statements such as: Just got caught having sex with my best friend’s boyfriend….. YOLO!

Why this makes my ears bleed: You never see¬†this¬†‘inspirational’ abbreviation¬†referred to¬†a worthwhile event in ones life¬†such as ‘Just went sky diving, YOLO’. Instead, it¬†is only ever used by prepubescent dumbasses¬†(who have COMPLETELY taken the wrong message from this saying) who¬†have done¬†something completely moronic¬†and they assume shouting ‘YOLO’ excuses what ever it is they have done. YOLO¬†is not an excuse to make batshit¬†crazy decisions. And if you only live one life, WHY ARE YOU LIVING IT LIKE A F*CKHEAD AND RISK RUINING IT WITH RASH DECISIONS?!¬†Say YOLO¬†while in my presence, and you are not going to be living your one life much longer.¬†In the words of Jack Black: I fairly sure YOLO is just Carpe Diem for stupid people.

Exhibit B: Nek Minnit

Definition: Next minute.

Used in statements such as: One minute it was there, nek minnit, it was gone!

Why this makes my ears bleed:¬†Congratulations,¬†by saying ‘nek minute’ you have¬†saved 0.000000001 milliseconds of your time via your ingenious ability to cut a single letter out of what was obviously an already¬†hugely difficult phrase. Oh, and you’ve also made yourself sound like a total ass. Speak like that again, and NEXT MINUTE, you are going to my fist in your face.

Exhibit C: Boi/gurl

Definition: Boy and girl

Used in statements such as: Hey booooiii/gurrrl!

Why this makes my ears bleed:¬†YOU HAVEN’T EVEN CUT OUT ANY LETTERS TO TRY AND SAVE TIME, YOU HAVE JUST REPLACED ALREADY PERFECTLY GOOD LETTERS WITH A RANDOM ASSORTMENT OF NONSENSE AND SOUND LIKE A TWAT. YOU ARE WORSE THAN THE NEK MINUTE PEOPLE.

Exhibit D: Smexy

Definition: A supposedly completely f*cked up cutsie way of saying sexy, or is smart and sexy combined.

Used in statements such as: Oooomg, me so smexy!

Why this makes my ears bleed:¬†I’m sorry, if you use this word, you might be sexy, but you are¬†DEFINATELY not smart. For the love of god, take the extra five seconds to say both words, smart and sexy, and save yourself the embarrassment.

Exhibit E: Swag

Definition: A ‘cool’ demeanor, style and how you present yourself.

Used in statements such as: Damn, that boy’s got swag!

Why this makes my ears bleed:¬†To be honest I don’t even actually know what the hell swag is, it just sounds a¬†total load of tosh¬†that is just¬†a lame excuse for¬†being a dick.

Exhibit F: Ya’ll

Definition: You all.

Used in statements such as:¬†Hey ya’ll!

Why this makes my ears bleed:¬†Ok before I offend anyone who says this, this is just one of those weird unjustified¬†pet peeves of mine ūüėõ It is also completely hypocritical of me, being Australian, in the same sentence to say ‘G’day’ and then that I hate the phrase ‘ya’ll’, but I hold Miley Cyrus personally responsible for raping my ears with it about 100 times per Hannah Montana episode ūüėõ

Exhibit G: Straya’ c*nt!

Definition: A completely feral way of saying you have Aussie pride.

Used in statements such as: /feral does something classed as Australian: Straya cu*t!

Why this makes my ears bleed: If any of you have ever been to Australia, or live in Australia, no doubt you would have seen some of our *cough* wonderful bogans, that look a little something like this:

I am all for these guys having pride in our lovely country, but anything with that revolting word in it makes me cringe. If that’s the way you are going to show Australian pride, please drink some more beer until you pass out and we don’t have to hear you talk. What ever happened to the good old ‘Aussie aussie¬†aussie¬†oi oi oi!’?

Honestly, cavemen grunting at each other is more understandable.¬†Though used¬†in common conversation these days, these type of words drive the English student in me up the wall and honestly question if the younger generations that¬†use these words actually have an IQ higher than single digits. Unfortunately, there is no hope to salvage the English language, and some genius will no doubt continue to come up with these ‘hip’ and ‘cool’ sayings that people will feel the need to work into every sentence to raise their stupid¬†status among their equally stupid peers.

I only have one potential solution to this downward spiral: Begin to beat people to death with dictionaries.

 Let the Oxford beatings begin >:)

 

Youtube: where liking puppies means ‘You should go die!’ June 16, 2012

Random Raging Rant No. 4: Abusive social media

Every social media site has a certain feel to it these days, and unfortunately most of them make me want to walk down the street swinging a baseball bat (though most people would be quite safe from getting¬†their allocated smack to the face, I have the worst swing and coordination in the history of . . . . well, ever :P). Facebook gives young teen girls the chance to cavort¬†in every position possible in the hope of getting a couple of cheap likes on their photos and absolutely fricken¬†rape my god damn newsfeed¬†with sexual statuses, giving it a ‘whorey’ feel. Instagram is just like Facebook minus the stupid statuses plus loads more¬†charming¬†photos. Twitter is just loads more stupid updates minus the dumb photos. For every good Facebook/Instagram/Twitter site, there is 10, 000 shitty ones. While I will never understand the motivation behind these actions¬†on these media sites (and seriously¬†consider becoming a social media hermit and¬†eliminating it¬†from my life, with the exception of WordPress of course :D), there is one site that absolutely takes the cake on my confusion level. Youtube /que evil and menacing music

Go onto Youtube. Search for absolutely any type of video. Really, take your pick, animals, games, sports, anything (mine is usually cute and fluffy things :D)! Now, it is not the actual video that I would like you to pay attention to, but rather what is underneath of it. This is where you will find the complete unravelling of rationality. Usually, a conversation will follow as such:

Person 1: Awwww, look at the cute little kitten!

Person 2 replying to Person 1: I will find you and stab you in the f*cking throat.

WHAT THE SHIT? So wait, let me get this straight, you have an overwhelming urge to stab someone . . . . .  because of their love of kittens? BECAUSE THAT MAKES COMPLETE SENSE YOU TOTAL PSYCHOTIC BASTARD!

Sports video: abuse. Funny video: abuse. Gaming review video: abuse. Baby sneezing: abuse. Video of tiny little fluffy kitten playing: abuse. A video about abuse: abuse.¬†A video of¬†a black screen: abuse.¬†No matter the video, no matter the nice comments, in reply, there is always a torrent of (mostly) undeserved abuse flying between viewers FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON! Even my boyfriend Steven got told to ‘Shut the f*ck up and go die’ for a completely innocent comment about football, in which we sat there staring at the screen completely and utterly confused at what had been said to deserve said abuse! I know some of these people try to¬†pick fights for fun, but it is those that dish out death threats¬†and are completely serious about it that confuse the crap out of me! Everyone has an opinion, and its completely ok to express that opinion, but don’t you think maybe, just maybe, threatening to shoot someone in the face is taking it just that liiiiiittleee bit too far? ūüėõ I think rather than all this ‘I’m going to stab you’ business, we need to find these sorry individuals, superglue them to a chair and play this song on repeat:

But then again, they might hate this music video and tell me to go die in a hole ūüėČ I mean, as I have quite plainly advertised, I hate people too, but I could never throw such abuse at someone just for having their own opinion. What ever happened to a good ol’¬†friendly debates without wanting to rip each others throats out? I think I will just stick to being a silent viewer on Youtube rather¬†than ever comment or, god forbid, ever MAKE a video. I am far¬†too soft to be able to deal with abusive Youtubers . . . . ¬†and I am quite fond of posting cute pictures of fluffy things without getting death threats ūüėõ LOOK ITS AN ADORABLE PUPPY!

Note: I understand the irony throughout this whole post of me raging about people raging ūüėõ

On a more positive note, I was surprised and very honored this week¬†to be presented with five different awards! Bassa’s blog, through celebrating 1 year of blogging, presented 52 bloggers with her own ‘You Make Me Shine!’ Award, which I was very honored to receive from such a wonderful (and cute and fluffy) blogger ūüôā

Secondly, I received ‘The Versatile Blogger’ Award, ‘The Kreativ Blogger’ Award, ‘The Inspiring Blog’ Award and ‘The Sisterhood of the World Bloggers’ Award from the lovely blogger Zen! Thankyou so much my dear! ūüôā The usual rules with accepting these awards apply: Thank the person who nominated you and link them in your blog, some random facts about yourself, nominate other bloggers for the awards and let them know! ūüôā I will produce some more random word vomit about myself, and then separately allocate awards ūüôā

1) I was actually genuinely upset when I didn’t get my Hogwarts letter on my 11th birthday when I came to the realisation that if Hogwarts did¬†exist, I was a muggle. Which is why I think I’ll begin investing time into Pottermore, who says I can’t¬†be a witch now eh?¬†ūüėÄ

2) The war between my cat and I seems to have taken a turn for the worse. Rather than trying to give me a heart attack through scaring me, he is testing a new tactic of trying to gas me to death by producing extra disgusting poops. That he does on the floor. RIGHT NEXT TO THE LITTER TRAY.

3) I eat far too much chocolate, then again, I think every woman does ūüėõ

4) I once had a friendly debate with a religious person who came knocking on my door, which ended in her declaring I was possessed, made a warding off sign at me and ran off. Apparently I’m the devil ūüėÄ

The Versatile Blogger Award Nominations

1) Reviews and Rants

2) Random Deviations

3) That’s Just Ridiculous by Curly Carly

All wonderfully funny and entertaining blogs! ūüôā

The Kreativ Blogger Award Nominations

1) Creative Minds

Cooking, drawing and creating, Sarah covers it all with her new blog!

The Inspiring Blog Award

1) Mikumi Musings

2) Chronicles of Nature 

I respect both of these women greatly for the work with and their views on¬†the wonderful world of animals ūüôā

The Sisterhood of the World Blogging Award

1) Sezpets

2)¬†lots’ bout nothing

3) Defining Wonderland

4) Brown Eyes and Green Bees

A sisterhood award that I am very¬†happy to pass on to some of the lovely ladies of the blogging world ūüôā

Now after all this typing and ranting and¬†these wonderful¬†awards¬†and the stupid amount of studying I did today (writing 15 pages is a bitch!) I think I m going to go and gorge myself on¬†junk food, and then to work it off chase my cat around the house ūüėÄ Until next week lovelies! ^_^

 

Dumb and dumber June 3, 2012

Random Raging Rant No. 3: People.

I don’t know if I have just been particularly anti-social this week, or if people have been particularly stupid, so I’m going to go with the latter as it is the most reasonable explanation. As I seem to have been struck down with a severe case of the crankies and feel the need to use a large amount of profanities, here are¬†a¬†few things that¬†I hate about a¬†few stupid assholes.

1) People who ask stupid DUMBASS questions.

I used to work in a wildlife park, where I put on shows for people while holding baby¬†crocodiles and snakes. So naturally, I got asked a lot of questions about the animals that I was showing. Now, before you think: ‘There is no such thing as a stupid question Gemma, stop being so over dramatic!’ let me enlighten you on the ABSOLUTE FRICKEN¬†BEAUTIES I got asked EVERY FLIPPING DAY. I’d go to the crocodile tank, armed with a piece of tape.¬†Getting the baby croc’s¬†out of their tank involved speed, strength, a lot a wriggling and potential finger threatening moments. I would have to catch the babies and¬†tape their mouths, all while the tykes¬†were trying to bite my fingers off¬†with their little¬†razor sharp teeth. Often people would watch me do this. And what would¬†people (I’m talking adults here)¬†ask me after this little display?

‘Why is there tape on the crocodile’s mouth?’

WHAT THE FLIPPING FUDGE NUTS?! DID YOU NOT JUST STAND THERE FOR 5 MINUTES WATCHING ME STRUGGLE TO SHUT ITS GOD DAMN¬†MOUTH WHILE IT WAS TRYING TO MAUL ME YOU IMBECILE? YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST FOR YOU I’LL TAKE THE TAPE OFF! HERE, EVEN GIVE IT A KISS, BECAUSE ITS¬†ACTUALLY SUPER F*CKING CUDDLY, AND¬†CLEARLY NOT GOING TO CHEW YOUR F*CKING FACE OFF!

During the day, crocs also like to sunbake and rest, and can sometimes sit in the same spot the whole day. We had quite a large croc in an enclosure that liked to do this. The stupid question people asked me?

‘Is it real?’

NO, IT’S NOT REAL AT ALL! WE HAVE JUST BUILT A HUGE MOTHER F*CKING ENCLOSURE WITH RUNNING WATER AND HIGH FENCES AND¬†PUT FOOD IN THERE¬†FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON! WOULD YOU LIKE A CLOSER LOOK? MAYBE GO PLACE YOUR HEAD IN ITS MOUTH?

2) People in shopping centres.

You know the ones. The ones that stand completely stationary the whole time you are walking up to them, and then just as you are walking behind them they step back WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING and run right into you then give you a dirty look like it was YOU who did something wrong. Or the gossipy woman with a trolley that runs into an equally gossipy friend who also happens to have a trolley, and they both seem to mutually agree it¬†is A FLIPPING FANTASTIC IDEA TO TOTALLY BLOCK OFF THE WHOLE AISLE WITH THEIR TROLLEYS WHILE THEY CHAT FOR AN HOUR, AND AGAIN, GIVE YOU DIRTY LOOKS AND SNIDE COMMENTS WHEN YOU POLITELY ASK THEM TO MOVE. OH I’M SORRY, BECAUSE CLEARLY IT IS¬†ME WHO IS THE INCONSIDERATE ASS!

3) People who don’t use their car indicators.

Apparently using your indicator is THE HARDEST thing to ever do while driving a car according to the lack of people who use it. Countless times have I almost had a run in with a car as a pedestrian because some dumbass thought using his indicator was over-rated and that it would be fun to make me play a guessing game. USE YOUR INDICATOR DUMBASS.

4) Attention whores on Facebook

 Those absolutely stick thin girls who post pictures like this:

Oh ma gawd, I’m so fat!

Firstly, if you really thought you were fat, you would not put up revealing photos of yourself. Secondly, you know you are skinny, so shut your face. And thirdly, BITCH, IF YOU ARE FAT, THEN I AM FRICKEN SHAMU!

5) People who tink itz kewl to tlk lyk dis.

Please learn how to talk before I make you eat a dictionary. Just typing like this made me feel dirty!

6) The man who thought it would be a great idea to name a bird species ‘Larus maximus ex alba et nigro¬†feu caeruleo¬†nigricante¬†varius’.

I am trying to memorize some Latin names for my Animal Diversity exam. Most are only two words tops, this one however is an absolutely monstrosity. Needless to say, this man was obviously a sadistic asshole. IF THIS SPECIES COMES UP IN THE EXAM (BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I AM DEDICATING PRECIOUS MEMORY SPACE  TO REMEMBER THIS STUPID NAME) I AM GOING TO FIND SAID MAN AND SHOVE A PINEAPPLE UP HIS ANAL SPHINCTER.

In the future, I am sure there will be many more posts dedicated to the joy that is the human race¬†and how much¬†of¬†the social butterfly I clearly am¬†ūüėõ

Until next week my lovely readers, unless I decide to¬†run off into the forest and become a hermit ūüėÄ