Remain Insane

Ramblings of an animal loving, people hating, game enthusing, book nerd :D

Writer’s block and brain farts January 15, 2013

Over the past few days I have wasted hours staring at a blank computer screen. I have started this sentence a few dozen times and then ended up deleting it only to be stuck on a blank screen again. I have come up with many an idea of blog posts I’d love to write, rants that must be had and books and games that I would love to rave about, but I can’t seem to put any of them into something that doesn’t sound like I just mashed my face into the keyboard. I have cracked tantrums, been adamant I will delete my whole blog because of how frustrated I am and then decided against it at last minute. No matter how much I have tried nor how many hours I have spent trying to write my brain completely refuses to function and let me have my creative outlet. I have been struck with a very severe case of writers block, so much so that I have spent the past 24 hours having writer’s block about how to write about writer’s block! I have so much to say and yet no way to say it!

Already it has been half an hour and another tantrum since I have typed the paragraph above! I don’t know if it’s because I’m trying to hard. I don’t know if it’s because I am beginning to over think my posts and am worrying too about the content. I don’t know if it’s because I am comparing myself to other blogger’s and feel as if I am coming up short. All I know is this brain fart is beginning to drive me up the wall!

image

I have read and tried so many tips on how to get past it: Talk to someone about it (I’ve practically gnawed my poor boyfriend’s ear off), if you can’t write anything try again later (x1000000000), write crap (currently in progress 😛 ), but alas, nothing is working and I am still stuck as ever. And I possibly just created the most pointless blog post ever….. well at least I can cross out the possibility that my lack of writing is due to me worrying about the content 😛 Maybe eating my frustrations and stress will help?

After all, stressed is desserts spelt backwards! 😉

Oh, and meet Squirt (yes, as in Squirt off of Finding Nemo 😛 ), our newest addition to our little family 🙂 Until next time lovelies, when my brain decides to become functional again!

‘You so totally rock Squirt!’

 

Musical Madness December 19, 2012

Raging Rant No. 5: Shitty music

From the beginning of time when the first caveman overly strained his frontal cortex, hit two bones together and thought it was pretty neat, music has always been created to invoke an emotion in its listeners. Pop, rock, rap, RnB, soul, blues, jazz, metal, country, we all have our favourite genre of these wonderful complications to listen to and lose ourselves in. Some of these songs make us happy. Some make us sad. Some make us laugh . . . .

And others make me want to gauge out voice boxes and Fus Ro Dah assholes off of cliff faces.

Personally, I am a rock/disco/pop fan, so I hate 99% of today’s techno hits that are coming out. But before I insult anyone on their music taste, when I say shit music, I am not actually talking about the genre of what a song is. I am more referring to the lyrical ‘genius’ of artists when they are composing a song. While it is perfectly possible for artists to create a song not only with good music but with good lyrics too, good quality lyrics are being sacrificed more often these days while being replaced with shallow and meaningless ones. Don’t get me wrong, not all lyrics have to be meaningful and shitty lyrics span across all types of genres, but at the risk of sounding like a cranky old grandma that’s going to beat you with her walking stick while nagging your ear off about ‘back in her day’, I am fairly certain our poor radios have been subjected to their fair share of dumbassery in concentrated amounts over the past few years , starting with . . . . .

1) She’s so Mean by Matchbox Twenty

The lyrics:

‘She’ll make you take her to the club, but then she leaves with her friends
She likes to stay late at the party cause the fun never ends
And all her clothes are on the floor, and all your records are scratched
She’s like a one-way ticket cause you can’t come back

Sayin’ yeah, and you want her
But she’s so mean
(You’ll never let her go, why don’t you let her go?)
Yeah, and you want her
But she’s so mean
(You’ll never let her go, why don’t you let her go?)’

That’s right fellas, apparently as long as your girlfriend is hot, her personality doesn’t count for a penny! She’s a complete bitch you say? Doesn’t matter, she’s hot dude! She’s destroying your shit? Oh you, that shouldn’t come into account you silly fool, I mean her face completely excuses her actions, she’s a real keeper!

I don’t know about you guys, but if I had some woman destroying my stuff and ditching me for her friends, I wouldn’t give a dog turd about how hot her face was, that bitch is getting fly kicked!

2) That’s what makes you Beautiful by One Direction (Note: no picture is included for said song as I outright refuse to see that people looking up One Direction have been directed to my blog via google search)

The lyrics:

‘Baby you light up my world like nobody else
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But when you smile at the ground it aint hard to tell
You don’t know you’re beautiful, that’s what makes you beautiful!’

Firstly, this meme describes my first objection to your stupid lyrics perfectly:

Secondly, doesn’t this girl you are talking about that is beautiful because she doesn’t know she’s beautiful now know she’s beautiful so that means she is no longer beautiful?

3) Peacock by Katy Perry

The lyrics:

‘Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock? Don’t be a chicken boy, stop acting like a biatch. I’m a peace out if you don’t give me the pay off, Come on baby let me see your whatchu hidin’ underneath! I wanna see your peacock, cock cock (repeat cock a few more hundred times)’

Katy Perry is certainly passionate about seeing her man’s colourful bird up front! I’m not sure how many guys would be able to satisfy her though, I mean, what guy drags his peacock around on a date? Oh wait….. you mean she actually means she wants to see his….. OH! What a delightfully clever play on words, oh Katy, you certainly are subtle!

4) Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen

The lyrics:

‘Your stare was holding
Ripped jeans, skin was showing
Hot night, wind was blowing
Where you think you’re going, baby?

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
It’s hard to look right, at you baby
But here’s my number, so call me maybe

Before you came into my life I missed you so bad
I missed you so bad… I missed you so, so bad’

Hey you just met him, and you’re fucking crazy. Give him your number, and he’ll stalk you maybe! Wait, maybe I’ve got it around the wrong way around! ‘Before you came into my life I missed you so bad’? Firstly, we can clearly see Carly has impeccable logic. Secondly, how long has Carly been following this poor guy around without ever making her presence known to him?! DON’T TAKE HER NUMBER MAN, RUN WHILE YOU CAN! Better run fast though, from the sounds of it Carly isn’t going to let you get very far…

CALL 1ЛЕ mVBE Луоик STflRE DAS HOLDIN’ ЫНШ 70U THINK YOU'RE G0IN6 ßPißy?/ ]} HöT N\6HT, wind NftS bLOWIN'jJJ) 5^,comics,forlackofabettercomic,call me maybe,song

6) Friday by Rebecca Black

The lyrics:

Seven a.m., waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal
Seein’ everything, the time is goin’
Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends (My friends)

Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited’

Phew, I wish my life was that exciting when I was 12 years old! Getting up at 7am, eating cereal and choosing what seat to sit in in the car, woah! I mean, being given the choice of sitting in the front seat or the back seat by your parents is pretty damn life changing at 12! You’ll look totally bitchin’ and be ready to paaarrtaay……. at your 4-year-old cousins birthday party 😉 And wait, you’re telling me that if yesterday was Thursday, that means today is Friday?!?!

THAT IS TOTALLY LIFE CHANGING, I AM SO GLAD YOU FELT THE NEED TO ADD THIS INTO A SONG SO THE WORLD CAN REVEL IN THIS NEW THEORY!

7) Skater Boy by Avril Lavigne

The lyrics:

‘He was a boy
She was a girl
Can I make it anymore obvious?’

WHERE ARE THESE PEOPLE COMING UP WITH THESE WONDERFUL NEW REVOLUTIONARY DISCOVERIES?! MIND BLOWN.

8) Hot Problems by Double Take

The lyrics:

‘Just cuz I’m pretty
I have to be dumb
I don’t care about wits
I just wanna have fun.

Hot girls we have problems too
We’re just like you
Except we’re hot
The world needs to open their eyes
and realise
We’re not perfect and sometimes we lie!

Just kidding,
we’re perfect!’

Everyone, please take a moment to mourn for the ‘hot girls’ of the world and really think about how difficult life must be to be dumb, misunderstood and to be like normal people but hot …….. that second over yet? We done? Great! I cried you a river Double Take, I really did, but I don’t understa….. I can’t even…… DA FUQ?! When I first saw the lyrics I thought these girls must have been joking and taking the piss, but upon watching the video, the sad thing is they are actually serious. At least the song had a happy ending though right? I mean, after describing the troubles these poor pre-pubescent little snots girls have to face daily by not being perfect, in the end it turns out they are actually perfect and being good-looking and dumb is great!

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While there is no doubt these songs have been popular, music artists these days are a total cop out when it comes to their lyrics, and quite frankly make my ears bleed! I don’t know about you, but I would rather write a single good quality song that meant something beyond genitalia, hot girls or which seat I should take in the car on a Friday and that would be remembered for a lifetime rather than a shitty little tune with lyrics that a three-year old could babble out and make a quick buck. While there would be many people who would disagree with me on my criticisms of these songs, I have one further point to push my Grandma case of why musical lyrics were better ‘back in the day’:

It took 7 people to write Justin Bieber’s song ‘Baby’ which consists of about a dozen words. It took ONE MAN to write the musical masterpiece that is Bohemian Rhapsody.

Until next rant lovelies 🙂

 

‘The English langauge is spoken fluently throughout Western society’….said no one ever September 12, 2012

Filed under: The People Hating — Gemma @ 6:42 pm
Tags: , , , , , , ,

For any other animal, the word evolution means that a fascinating and wondrous change has occurred for the better. Whether it be ‘this animal has evolved wings’ or ‘that animal has evolved to be the fastest thing on the planet’, evolution is forever looking for ways to improve the creatures it has so carefully crafted, and continues to work towards new improvements every day. Unfortunately, an evolution of sorts has occurred in humans and has been out of natures control to improve it. And rather than this movement taking leaps forward as an ‘evolutionary movement’ should, it has made mankind sound like a total bunch of buffoons:

The evolution of the English language.

While there are some real doozies, the following are what I belive are some of the worst words/sayings to ever grace our lovely language. And this is only the tip of the iceberg folks, it’s a downward spiral from here!

Exhibit A: YOLO

Definition: I’m a moron! You only live once.

Used in statements such as: Just got caught having sex with my best friend’s boyfriend….. YOLO!

Why this makes my ears bleed: You never see this ‘inspirational’ abbreviation referred to a worthwhile event in ones life such as ‘Just went sky diving, YOLO’. Instead, it is only ever used by prepubescent dumbasses (who have COMPLETELY taken the wrong message from this saying) who have done something completely moronic and they assume shouting ‘YOLO’ excuses what ever it is they have done. YOLO is not an excuse to make batshit crazy decisions. And if you only live one life, WHY ARE YOU LIVING IT LIKE A F*CKHEAD AND RISK RUINING IT WITH RASH DECISIONS?! Say YOLO while in my presence, and you are not going to be living your one life much longer. In the words of Jack Black: I fairly sure YOLO is just Carpe Diem for stupid people.

Exhibit B: Nek Minnit

Definition: Next minute.

Used in statements such as: One minute it was there, nek minnit, it was gone!

Why this makes my ears bleed: Congratulations, by saying ‘nek minute’ you have saved 0.000000001 milliseconds of your time via your ingenious ability to cut a single letter out of what was obviously an already hugely difficult phrase. Oh, and you’ve also made yourself sound like a total ass. Speak like that again, and NEXT MINUTE, you are going to my fist in your face.

Exhibit C: Boi/gurl

Definition: Boy and girl

Used in statements such as: Hey booooiii/gurrrl!

Why this makes my ears bleed: YOU HAVEN’T EVEN CUT OUT ANY LETTERS TO TRY AND SAVE TIME, YOU HAVE JUST REPLACED ALREADY PERFECTLY GOOD LETTERS WITH A RANDOM ASSORTMENT OF NONSENSE AND SOUND LIKE A TWAT. YOU ARE WORSE THAN THE NEK MINUTE PEOPLE.

Exhibit D: Smexy

Definition: A supposedly completely f*cked up cutsie way of saying sexy, or is smart and sexy combined.

Used in statements such as: Oooomg, me so smexy!

Why this makes my ears bleed: I’m sorry, if you use this word, you might be sexy, but you are DEFINATELY not smart. For the love of god, take the extra five seconds to say both words, smart and sexy, and save yourself the embarrassment.

Exhibit E: Swag

Definition: A ‘cool’ demeanor, style and how you present yourself.

Used in statements such as: Damn, that boy’s got swag!

Why this makes my ears bleed: To be honest I don’t even actually know what the hell swag is, it just sounds a total load of tosh that is just a lame excuse for being a dick.

Exhibit F: Ya’ll

Definition: You all.

Used in statements such as: Hey ya’ll!

Why this makes my ears bleed: Ok before I offend anyone who says this, this is just one of those weird unjustified pet peeves of mine 😛 It is also completely hypocritical of me, being Australian, in the same sentence to say ‘G’day’ and then that I hate the phrase ‘ya’ll’, but I hold Miley Cyrus personally responsible for raping my ears with it about 100 times per Hannah Montana episode 😛

Exhibit G: Straya’ c*nt!

Definition: A completely feral way of saying you have Aussie pride.

Used in statements such as: /feral does something classed as Australian: Straya cu*t!

Why this makes my ears bleed: If any of you have ever been to Australia, or live in Australia, no doubt you would have seen some of our *cough* wonderful bogans, that look a little something like this:

I am all for these guys having pride in our lovely country, but anything with that revolting word in it makes me cringe. If that’s the way you are going to show Australian pride, please drink some more beer until you pass out and we don’t have to hear you talk. What ever happened to the good old ‘Aussie aussie aussie oi oi oi!’?

Honestly, cavemen grunting at each other is more understandable. Though used in common conversation these days, these type of words drive the English student in me up the wall and honestly question if the younger generations that use these words actually have an IQ higher than single digits. Unfortunately, there is no hope to salvage the English language, and some genius will no doubt continue to come up with these ‘hip’ and ‘cool’ sayings that people will feel the need to work into every sentence to raise their stupid status among their equally stupid peers.

I only have one potential solution to this downward spiral: Begin to beat people to death with dictionaries.

 Let the Oxford beatings begin >:)

 

Exams: The good, the bad and the ugly June 29, 2012

Filed under: The Ramblings — Gemma @ 12:11 am
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Exams: the bane of every students existence.

The Good:

Upon realising as a result of my title I had to try to think of something good to write about exams, this was the reaction that followed:

Now that I think about it, this is also probably some of the lecturers/teachers reaction when they watch our faces fall as we open the exam and see all the difficult questions they have put in there:

SUCK ON THAT BITCHES! >:D

Sadistic assholes.

The good about exams: That they are finally over. And the fact that for a split second I honestly did try to think of something nice to say about exams made me laugh so hard I nearly peed my pants.

The Bad:

1) Due to exams, I disappeared off of the face of the blogosphere without so much as a how-do-you-do. For this I am truly sorry, and in the hope that my lovely readers will forgive me for slacking off, I have uploaded the cutest picture of my cat that I own:

Now that all is forgiven (as Jasper sleeping with his tongue out is insanely adorable :D), I am back to blogging and shall probably be posting far too many ramblings, reading loads too many books and playing way too many games starting as of now. The next three weeks are mid-semester break and I plan to thoroughly enjoy them 😀

2) The stress of trying to cram a semesters worth of information into your head in a few short weeks. Lets face it, we all do it. We slack off all semester thinking ‘Its ok, I’ll catch up on it next week!’. Before you know it, its exam revision week, you have done absolutely nothing, and you can’t even remember the name of the class you are taking. You stay up till 1 o’clock every night trying to force yourself to learn the in’s and out’s of a protozoan’s, a nematodes and the synapsids body structure, while your brain will swallow no such nonsense and conveniently only wants to sing ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ to you over and over again to drive you insane. Inevitably, the exam itself arrives. While these past weeks you have been shitting bricks (hopefully only figuratively and not literally) and been feeling like the end is near, in your current comatose state, you are actually strangely calm and no longer give a flying batshit if you actually pass or not. Throughout the exam, your asshole mind is still singing ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’. After you have finished, you vow:

‘Next semester will be different!’

 DON’T EVER BELIEVE YOURSELF! Usually, next semester is exactly the same, with twice the amount of procrastination to avoid getting stressed. I have already said this to myself after trying to learn 3 different topics within a 2 week period, but I don’t believe myself for a second, I am just too gosh darn lazy 🙂

3) Getting to the actual exam. I live two hours away from uni. I don’t drive. I have to catch public transport, meaning if I want to get to an 8:45am exam on time, I have to leave home at 6:30am. If this wasn’t bad enough, Adelaide Metro increased its efforts to make me a raging she-hulk by being even more useless than usual. At the best of times, a bus will usually rock up late or not show up at all. As a once off, this is fine and expected, however, on Tuesday when I was trying to get to my exam on time . . . . 6 F*CKING SCHEDUALED BUSES DIDN’T SHOW UP! Not late, they apparently just didn’t exist. I waited for an hour trying to contain my rage and then panic as every single bus but mine showed up, and when a bus did EVENTUALLY rock up, I had to stop myself sounding like a maniac and shrieking ‘WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?!’ at the bus driver. Thankfully I made the exam JUST on time! Stupid public transport -_____-

The Ugly:

Procrastination. While it comes in many forms, here are the ways that I use to waste perfectly good exam revision time:

1) Eating my feelings

My feelings this time around tasted like chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate 😀

2) Chasing the cat with the duster

3) Making a useless to-do list

4) Taking out my anger on and abusing Cleverbot (a talking computer)

5) Looking through people’s pictures on Facebook, realising I am very behind on how girls take photos of themselves these days, and deciding to try it out myself:

Am I doing it right? 😛

Because this is clearly better than smiling 😛

6) Listening to this song on repeat which literally gives me no choice but to stop studying and instead disco dance around the house:

I am insanely glad that exams are finally over for this semester, and will spend the next three weeks reveling in my temporary freedom. I have also been looking massively forward to these holidays so I can finally get my butt back into Adelaide Zoo, complete my zoo guide training and finally become a fully fledged volunteer! I can’t wait! 😀

 

Youtube: where liking puppies means ‘You should go die!’ June 16, 2012

Random Raging Rant No. 4: Abusive social media

Every social media site has a certain feel to it these days, and unfortunately most of them make me want to walk down the street swinging a baseball bat (though most people would be quite safe from getting their allocated smack to the face, I have the worst swing and coordination in the history of . . . . well, ever :P). Facebook gives young teen girls the chance to cavort in every position possible in the hope of getting a couple of cheap likes on their photos and absolutely fricken rape my god damn newsfeed with sexual statuses, giving it a ‘whorey’ feel. Instagram is just like Facebook minus the stupid statuses plus loads more charming photos. Twitter is just loads more stupid updates minus the dumb photos. For every good Facebook/Instagram/Twitter site, there is 10, 000 shitty ones. While I will never understand the motivation behind these actions on these media sites (and seriously consider becoming a social media hermit and eliminating it from my life, with the exception of WordPress of course :D), there is one site that absolutely takes the cake on my confusion level. Youtube /que evil and menacing music

Go onto Youtube. Search for absolutely any type of video. Really, take your pick, animals, games, sports, anything (mine is usually cute and fluffy things :D)! Now, it is not the actual video that I would like you to pay attention to, but rather what is underneath of it. This is where you will find the complete unravelling of rationality. Usually, a conversation will follow as such:

Person 1: Awwww, look at the cute little kitten!

Person 2 replying to Person 1: I will find you and stab you in the f*cking throat.

WHAT THE SHIT? So wait, let me get this straight, you have an overwhelming urge to stab someone . . . . .  because of their love of kittens? BECAUSE THAT MAKES COMPLETE SENSE YOU TOTAL PSYCHOTIC BASTARD!

Sports video: abuse. Funny video: abuse. Gaming review video: abuse. Baby sneezing: abuse. Video of tiny little fluffy kitten playing: abuse. A video about abuse: abuse. A video of a black screen: abuse. No matter the video, no matter the nice comments, in reply, there is always a torrent of (mostly) undeserved abuse flying between viewers FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON! Even my boyfriend Steven got told to ‘Shut the f*ck up and go die’ for a completely innocent comment about football, in which we sat there staring at the screen completely and utterly confused at what had been said to deserve said abuse! I know some of these people try to pick fights for fun, but it is those that dish out death threats and are completely serious about it that confuse the crap out of me! Everyone has an opinion, and its completely ok to express that opinion, but don’t you think maybe, just maybe, threatening to shoot someone in the face is taking it just that liiiiiittleee bit too far? 😛 I think rather than all this ‘I’m going to stab you’ business, we need to find these sorry individuals, superglue them to a chair and play this song on repeat:

But then again, they might hate this music video and tell me to go die in a hole 😉 I mean, as I have quite plainly advertised, I hate people too, but I could never throw such abuse at someone just for having their own opinion. What ever happened to a good ol’ friendly debates without wanting to rip each others throats out? I think I will just stick to being a silent viewer on Youtube rather than ever comment or, god forbid, ever MAKE a video. I am far too soft to be able to deal with abusive Youtubers . . . .  and I am quite fond of posting cute pictures of fluffy things without getting death threats 😛 LOOK ITS AN ADORABLE PUPPY!

Note: I understand the irony throughout this whole post of me raging about people raging 😛

On a more positive note, I was surprised and very honored this week to be presented with five different awards! Bassa’s blog, through celebrating 1 year of blogging, presented 52 bloggers with her own ‘You Make Me Shine!’ Award, which I was very honored to receive from such a wonderful (and cute and fluffy) blogger 🙂

Secondly, I received ‘The Versatile Blogger’ Award, ‘The Kreativ Blogger’ Award, ‘The Inspiring Blog’ Award and ‘The Sisterhood of the World Bloggers’ Award from the lovely blogger Zen! Thankyou so much my dear! 🙂 The usual rules with accepting these awards apply: Thank the person who nominated you and link them in your blog, some random facts about yourself, nominate other bloggers for the awards and let them know! 🙂 I will produce some more random word vomit about myself, and then separately allocate awards 🙂

1) I was actually genuinely upset when I didn’t get my Hogwarts letter on my 11th birthday when I came to the realisation that if Hogwarts did exist, I was a muggle. Which is why I think I’ll begin investing time into Pottermore, who says I can’t be a witch now eh? 😀

2) The war between my cat and I seems to have taken a turn for the worse. Rather than trying to give me a heart attack through scaring me, he is testing a new tactic of trying to gas me to death by producing extra disgusting poops. That he does on the floor. RIGHT NEXT TO THE LITTER TRAY.

3) I eat far too much chocolate, then again, I think every woman does 😛

4) I once had a friendly debate with a religious person who came knocking on my door, which ended in her declaring I was possessed, made a warding off sign at me and ran off. Apparently I’m the devil 😀

The Versatile Blogger Award Nominations

1) Reviews and Rants

2) Random Deviations

3) That’s Just Ridiculous by Curly Carly

All wonderfully funny and entertaining blogs! 🙂

The Kreativ Blogger Award Nominations

1) Creative Minds

Cooking, drawing and creating, Sarah covers it all with her new blog!

The Inspiring Blog Award

1) Mikumi Musings

2) Chronicles of Nature 

I respect both of these women greatly for the work with and their views on the wonderful world of animals 🙂

The Sisterhood of the World Blogging Award

1) Sezpets

2) lots’ bout nothing

3) Defining Wonderland

4) Brown Eyes and Green Bees

A sisterhood award that I am very happy to pass on to some of the lovely ladies of the blogging world 🙂

Now after all this typing and ranting and these wonderful awards and the stupid amount of studying I did today (writing 15 pages is a bitch!) I think I m going to go and gorge myself on junk food, and then to work it off chase my cat around the house 😀 Until next week lovelies! ^_^

 

Dumb and dumber June 3, 2012

Random Raging Rant No. 3: People.

I don’t know if I have just been particularly anti-social this week, or if people have been particularly stupid, so I’m going to go with the latter as it is the most reasonable explanation. As I seem to have been struck down with a severe case of the crankies and feel the need to use a large amount of profanities, here are a few things that I hate about a few stupid assholes.

1) People who ask stupid DUMBASS questions.

I used to work in a wildlife park, where I put on shows for people while holding baby crocodiles and snakes. So naturally, I got asked a lot of questions about the animals that I was showing. Now, before you think: ‘There is no such thing as a stupid question Gemma, stop being so over dramatic!’ let me enlighten you on the ABSOLUTE FRICKEN BEAUTIES I got asked EVERY FLIPPING DAY. I’d go to the crocodile tank, armed with a piece of tape. Getting the baby croc’s out of their tank involved speed, strength, a lot a wriggling and potential finger threatening moments. I would have to catch the babies and tape their mouths, all while the tykes were trying to bite my fingers off with their little razor sharp teeth. Often people would watch me do this. And what would people (I’m talking adults here) ask me after this little display?

‘Why is there tape on the crocodile’s mouth?’

WHAT THE FLIPPING FUDGE NUTS?! DID YOU NOT JUST STAND THERE FOR 5 MINUTES WATCHING ME STRUGGLE TO SHUT ITS GOD DAMN MOUTH WHILE IT WAS TRYING TO MAUL ME YOU IMBECILE? YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST FOR YOU I’LL TAKE THE TAPE OFF! HERE, EVEN GIVE IT A KISS, BECAUSE ITS ACTUALLY SUPER F*CKING CUDDLY, AND CLEARLY NOT GOING TO CHEW YOUR F*CKING FACE OFF!

During the day, crocs also like to sunbake and rest, and can sometimes sit in the same spot the whole day. We had quite a large croc in an enclosure that liked to do this. The stupid question people asked me?

‘Is it real?’

NO, IT’S NOT REAL AT ALL! WE HAVE JUST BUILT A HUGE MOTHER F*CKING ENCLOSURE WITH RUNNING WATER AND HIGH FENCES AND PUT FOOD IN THERE FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON! WOULD YOU LIKE A CLOSER LOOK? MAYBE GO PLACE YOUR HEAD IN ITS MOUTH?

2) People in shopping centres.

You know the ones. The ones that stand completely stationary the whole time you are walking up to them, and then just as you are walking behind them they step back WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING and run right into you then give you a dirty look like it was YOU who did something wrong. Or the gossipy woman with a trolley that runs into an equally gossipy friend who also happens to have a trolley, and they both seem to mutually agree it is A FLIPPING FANTASTIC IDEA TO TOTALLY BLOCK OFF THE WHOLE AISLE WITH THEIR TROLLEYS WHILE THEY CHAT FOR AN HOUR, AND AGAIN, GIVE YOU DIRTY LOOKS AND SNIDE COMMENTS WHEN YOU POLITELY ASK THEM TO MOVE. OH I’M SORRY, BECAUSE CLEARLY IT IS ME WHO IS THE INCONSIDERATE ASS!

3) People who don’t use their car indicators.

Apparently using your indicator is THE HARDEST thing to ever do while driving a car according to the lack of people who use it. Countless times have I almost had a run in with a car as a pedestrian because some dumbass thought using his indicator was over-rated and that it would be fun to make me play a guessing game. USE YOUR INDICATOR DUMBASS.

4) Attention whores on Facebook

 Those absolutely stick thin girls who post pictures like this:

Oh ma gawd, I’m so fat!

Firstly, if you really thought you were fat, you would not put up revealing photos of yourself. Secondly, you know you are skinny, so shut your face. And thirdly, BITCH, IF YOU ARE FAT, THEN I AM FRICKEN SHAMU!

5) People who tink itz kewl to tlk lyk dis.

Please learn how to talk before I make you eat a dictionary. Just typing like this made me feel dirty!

6) The man who thought it would be a great idea to name a bird species ‘Larus maximus ex alba et nigro feu caeruleo nigricante varius’.

I am trying to memorize some Latin names for my Animal Diversity exam. Most are only two words tops, this one however is an absolutely monstrosity. Needless to say, this man was obviously a sadistic asshole. IF THIS SPECIES COMES UP IN THE EXAM (BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I AM DEDICATING PRECIOUS MEMORY SPACE  TO REMEMBER THIS STUPID NAME) I AM GOING TO FIND SAID MAN AND SHOVE A PINEAPPLE UP HIS ANAL SPHINCTER.

In the future, I am sure there will be many more posts dedicated to the joy that is the human race and how much of the social butterfly I clearly am 😛

Until next week my lovely readers, unless I decide to run off into the forest and become a hermit 😀