Remain Insane

Ramblings of an animal loving, people hating, game enthusing, book nerd :D

The memoires of a crazy cat June 18, 2013

Let’s face it, cats are freaking nuts. And as with anyone who has ever owned a cat in the history of ever, I have always thought that my own, Jasper, has always been a little bat-shit-crazy…. weird. Maybe this is because of the deprivation of oxygen and the death of a few hundred brain cells when he got stuck in-between the couch cushions before we owned him. Maybe this is because Steven and I have just driven him insane. But maybe, just maybe, this is because he is, and always has been, a conniving mastermind playing dumb, waiting each day for his moment to strike. Upon finding Jasper’s ultra secret diary, my suspicions have been confirmed, with his schemes beginning from the very first day we brought him home, but not always going exactly as planned….

Jaspers Diary

Day 1: Catnapped!

Dear Diary,

Today, whilst ransacking the warden’s kitchen with my siblings, to prove the point that his mere ‘cat barriers’ were no match for our cunning, the day took an unexpected and horrible turn…… I was kidnapped. Abducted! Stolen from my home! The warden was in on it too, he handed me over, just like that! I am now beginning to think he was running some type of illegal cat trading agency. Bastard. My two captors consisted of a tall male and a squealing female who seemed disturbingly obsessed with picking me up and squeezing me (Note: overheard them referring to it as a ‘hug’, must remember to run when same word is used in the future.). Once we reached my new prison, I tried to strike fear into their hearts by viciously attacking one of the dangling objects they waved in my face, but miraculously my attempts went unnoticed, with them referring to me as ‘cute’. Unbelievable. Perhaps if I play the cute card and allow them think they have won me over, they will reveal their diabolical plans for me sooner. I will watch. I will wait.

Unhand me woman!

Day 44: Strange objects

Dear Diary,

My captors are yet to reveal their purpose for me, at the present time, they seem completely content with just ‘owning’ me, which is completely absurd. They don’t fool me for a second. Over the past months they seem to think I have been ‘happy’ because I am eating and playing with the numerous fluffy and bouncing things they have bought me. But in honesty, I have only been scarfing the meagre rations to keep my strength up, as well as practice killing manoeuvres on the ‘toys’ to ensure that when the opportunity presents itself, I will be able to escape. I suppose this place is comely enough, but my captors are strange humans (they mock me by constantly meowing at me), and this place contains too many objects I don’t understand. Like the strange object they erected in the loungeroom today. It is quite obviously some kind of climbing structure for me, why else would they have made it look like a tree? Yet when I assumed as much and began my ascent to the star shaped object sitting on top, they took me away from it and told me I mustn’t climb it again. Naturally, I ignored them, which ended in me locked in solitary confinement for 30 minutes. Not to mention the complete embarrassment when I mistook ‘pictures’ on the black box they like to watch as real things and promptly face-planted a solid object. The horse was MOVING, how was I meant to know! My captors laughed at me until they were in tears. Oh the shame.

They'll never find me in here!

They’ll never find me in here!

Day 103: New love

Dear Diary,

It was only a week ago that I first laid eyes on her. I no longer sit at the window day-dreaming of my escape – escape no longer seems so important at the present time – but instead I sit and wait for her. At first she didn’t pay me any attention, she was too occupied with rubbing against my captors legs when they were out in the yard (preposterous!) but finally she noticed me! I sat eagerly at the window as she approached, hoping I had remembered to groom myself that day, but alas, rather than love at first sniff, she hissed at me and stalked off. I am not disheartened, and will continue to try to win her affections. The captors however have been making this next to impossible though by refusing to let me outside the house (due to ‘roads’ and ‘cars’, bah!). How am I meant to woo said female without being able to interact with her?! To voice this disgusting injustice, I have found a delightful new way to irk the captors. After using my litter tray, I have vowed to scratch anywhere but the litter. The wall, the floor, even the air, I will flail my paws in any random direction and scratch, as this seems to infuriate female captor, even more so when I take the extra dedication to smear my faeces across the walls. I will get to my female at any cost.

My love, come back!

Day 200: Mutilated

Dear Diary,

My female is now forever out of my reach. She still gracefully dances through my window watching from time to time, but no longer do I long for her, as the captors conducted an atrocity of the most heinous kind…….. they took my manhood. This place has taken a turn for the worse, changing from a mere prison to a torture chamber.  I had grown complacent with the captors, with their food and displays of affection, for I had begun to believe they may be too simple minded and soft hearted to have had any ulterior motives for me. But now, more than ever, I realise that escape must always remain my number one priority, lest I fall victim to another session with the captors accomplice: the ‘Vet’.

The horror.

Day 315: Transferred

Dear Diary,

Today the captors transferred me to a new containment facility via the horrid metal beast, with all of our belongings in tow. This prison is an upgraded version of the last, with a long hallway for running, large windows for bird watching and a giant floor scratching post that the captors call ‘carpet’. This transferral is no doubt due to my good behaviour as of late, as I have ensured I have been extra ‘cute’ in order to reassure the captors I do not harbour any negative feelings towards them. I am sure this will eventually lead to a lax in their surveillance of me, and that is when I will strike. I was positive that this opportunity had presented itself to me today in the form of an open door, but alas, it was not so. I raced towards it as fast as my legs could carry me before the captors noticed only to, again, face-plant a solid object. Heard the captors calling this new devilry a ‘screen door’, obviously installed there with the sole purpose of tormenting me. I think I may have to find a way to drown them in their water bed tonight.

Soon I will escape this hell hole!

Day 406: New prisoner

Dear Diary,

The captors have brought home another prisoner. I was hoping that this new inmate would be of some use to me, as either an accomplice or a scapegoat, in my efforts to escape, but contact with the animal is not possible. The small creature has been placed in a glass box filled to the brim with water, and is under even more strict solitary confinement than I. I am now questioning my captors sanity even further, as I can only conclude this prisoner is placed in such a thing because a) The captors have designed a new type of torture device – one which I can only assume they will one day use on me, or b) He is a truly vicious beast (maybe he is a homicidal maniac) and has to be kept in such a way for our safety. Upon observing him and his beady little eyes, I have decided it is the latter, and that he is best to be avoided. Though, at the rate my food supply is dwindling (captors have changed me to new food, said I was getting too fat!), I may at some point be forced to confront the beast and eat him. Better him than me.

Who knows what crimes this thing has committed to be under such strict confinement?!

Day 500: The end is nigh

Dear Diary,

500 days. 500 days I have been with my captors, and ……. I think I have finally discovered the captors plans for me, but I fear it is too late…….. I… I think I am becoming domesticated. Last week it was playing fetch outside with the female captor, happily bringing her back the stick like a dog! Yesterday it was waiting patiently by the door for male captor to return from his day duties. Today I even caught myself sitting on female captors lap because it was a cool winters day. THE SHAME! I can’t believe I have been so blind as to let them manipulate me so, it stops now! Tonight, I must do it tonight before they continue their diabolical plot. I will find a way to distract them and finally escape as I should have a long time ago. I will leave after dinner, tonight they are preparing roast chicken, which I am quite fond of. Perhaps I’ll first play a game of chasey with the captors too, for old times sake. Hmm, tonight looks to be a little cold, and my bed is awfully warm, maybe I should wait? Yes. Yes I will wait. Tomorrow. Maybe.

Escape…… later…… zzzzzzzzz.

While your plans may have not worked out over the past year and a half Jasper, it’s nice to know our evil ‘domesticate cat’ plan certainly has 😉

Until next time lovelies 🙂

 

The customer is always right. March 24, 2013

And if by ‘customer’ you mean ‘spawn of Satan’, and by ‘right’ you mean ‘incurably stupid’, then yes, the ‘customer’ is ALWAYS ‘right’ 🙂

Ah people, the worst part of everyone’s day! No matter what department you work in or career you have chosen, I think we all dread the moment we have to open up shop and let the mindless hordes into our workplace.

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In terms of customers, my first job at a wildlife park was great. Being a keeper, you don’t have to give a flying dog crap about the customers, you are there for the animals! Sure, you get some pretty idiotic questions, but at the end of the day, as long as the animals are taken care of, your job is done. My new job however, may be at a pet store with cute fluffy baby animals, but is (shudder) a customer service job. I have been at said job now for 6 months now…… and lets just say I wish my workplace had this policy:

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After having what may possibly be the most stupid conversation with a customer in my life the other day, I thought I would share some of my most stupid customer questions/stories that have personally happened to me or have been told to me by my lovely boyfriend Steven who knows the ins and outs of idiocy that is displayed at a grocery store. I mean, what good are these stupid experiences if they can’t at least be used for a laugh right? 😛

Customers in a wildlife park

Customer 1 – when conducting a show where customers may hold a baby crocodile:

Why is there tape on the crocodiles mouth? – said the lady who had just watched me catch the croc while it was trying to bite my fingers

Customer 2 – upon seeing the baby crocodile:

Oh, can I hold the big one instead? /points to the three metre croc that could, oh I don’t know, MAYBE RIP HIS F*CKING LEG OFF?!

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Customer 3:

Do you ever like put the crocodiles in harnesses and take them for walks?

Customer 4:

Can I ride the donkey? – Said the fully grown adult twice the size of the donkey

Customer 5:

Can I ride a kangaroo? – Said the American woman who clearly took our ‘We ride kangaroos to school’ joke a little too seriously

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Customer 6:

Excuse me, do you work here? – Asked the woman while I was in the buffalo enclosure up to my elbows in animal shit

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No lady, I don’t work here, I’m just doing this for shits and giggles.

Customers in a Grocery store

Customer 7 –  taking her purchases through the checkout at about 7pm:

Worker: Have a good day!

Customer: /walks off and then goes up to the service desk

I’d like to make a complaint!

Manager: And what was that?

Customer: That girl over there told me to ‘Have a good day’, when it’s actually night-time.

Customer 8 –  looking for an item:

Customer: Excuse me, do you have Susan Day Fairy Cakes?

Steven: No, we haven’t been able to get them in for a while now sorry.

Customer: That’s bullshit! The people who do the orders need a f*cking bomb shoved up their ass!

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Customers in a Pet Store

Customer 9 – interested in buying a dog:

Um, so, like what do dogs eat? – Said the guy who I really hope was trolling

Customer 10 – wanting to buy a rat:

Co-worker: Okay dokey, so do you have food for him?

Customer: No, I’ll buy that next week.

Co-worker: Oh….. but you want the rat now?

Customer: Yes.

Co-worker: So what do you plan on feeding him with for the next week?

Customer: He’ll be ok without it for a week won’t he?

Customer’s 11 and 12 – There was a sign at the front of the store on a puppy pen saying ‘Guinea Pigs: now only $10!’ In said puppy pen was a Border Collie puppy:

Customer 11: Oh my gosh, look at that giant guinea pig!

Customer 12: Excuse me, can we please buy the $10 dog?

Customer 13 – interested in buying a puppy: 

Can I put that dog on layby for a month? – Asked the man who didn’t seem to understand that puppies grow

Customer 14 – paying for her purchases:

Co-worker: That’ll be $135 thankyou.

Customer: /takes money out of her wallet, hands it over to co-worker

Co-worker: You need twelve more dollars.

Customer: What does that mean?

Co-worker: You need $12 more.

Customer: I don’t understand, I didn’t go to school to learn this shit! – Exclaimed the woman who is not known for her brainage

Customer 15 – asking for dog medical advice:

Customer: Hi, my dog is throwing up and dehydrated, do have anything I can give it?

Me: Um, I think you should be taking your dog to the vet immediately.

Customer: Oh, why?!

Customer 16:

Customer: How much are your puppies?

Me: Which one? (we have 9 different puppy pens)

Customer: That one. (gestures to the right that has 4 puppy pens)

Me: Which one over there?

Customer: That one! (waves his hand again in the general direction to the right)

Me: Top or bottom?

Customer: Bottom I think.

Me: Left or right?

Customer: Left, I mean right…. your right?

Me: Do you know its name?

Customer: Yeah, the staffy pups, on the top right!

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Because saying ‘the Staffy pups’ to begin with was super hard hey?

Customer 17 – asking prices about dogs and the man who inspired this post  –

Customer: Excuse me, how much is this dog?

Me: Three hundred and ninety five dollars.

Customer: Ok, how much is this one compared to that one?

Me: Both are three hundred and ninety five dollars.

Customer: So you mean I could get both dogs for only $395?!

Me: /sigh No, they are three ninety five EACH.

Customer: Wait, so each dog is only $3.95 each?!

Me: …………….. No, they are THREE HUNDRED AND NINETY FIVE DOLLARS EACH.

Customer: But you said they were three ninety five each?

Me: Yes, meaning EACH dog ON ITS OWN is $395.

Customer: Wait, so its $395 for one dog, not both?

Me: YES.

Customer: And they are $395, not $3.95?

Me: YES.

Customer: So I can’t get two dogs for $395?

Me: NO.

Customer: Oooooooooooh! Wait I’m still confused!

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 Humans: we’re certainly bred for our intelligence right? 😉

Until next time my lovely readers,

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15 Useless Animal Facts Pt. 2 :D December 29, 2012

Everyone loves weird/gross/interesting animal facts on a Saturday evening, so here is Part 2 of my list of completely useless animal facts! 😀

1) Frogs are unable to vomit. Being a reflex to get rid of possibly harmful toxins we have ingested, obviously lacking this mechanism means that if frogs eat something harmful they’ll kick the bucket right? Wrong! Rather than vomiting and bringing all its food back up in that revolting manner, the frog instead throws up its ENTIRE STOMACH, empties the contents of it, and then swallows its stomach back down! Neat huh? 😛

2) Despite the huge difference in length, giraffes and humans have the same number of bones in their neck: seven.

3) Dolphins can’t sleep. For humans, breathing is an unconcious mechanism as we live in the medium that we also happen to breathe, oxygen. For dolphins, living underwater but also needing O2 means that a dolphin is a conscious breather as it has to monitor its O2 intake and regularly come up for air. If a dolphin was to fully drift off into a peaceful slumber like we do it would drown! To solve this problem, a dolphin will take small naps with only one half of its brain at a time while the other half is still awake!

4) Baby Koala’s are not born with the ability to digest eucalyptus leaves. Obviously with eucalyptus being the only thing on the menu for a koala, this presents a bit of a problem! To help the babies digestive system develop the enzymes to overcome the toxins in eucalyptus, the mother feeds her baby a substance called pap…… which is er, well, pre-digested leaves….. yes she feeds her baby her faeces. As a result of this, the baby is able to eat eucalyptus when it is older, but is only able to eat the same types of eucalyptus as its mother did, as its immune system was only able to adapt to the pre-digested leaves it was exposed to in the mum’s poop!

5) A female ferret needs mate after she has gone into heat or she will literally die (because of a hormone imbalance)! While this is legit for the ferret, I wouldn’t put it past some humans to try and see if this excuse works with their partners: ‘Honey, if we don’t have sex right this moment I’m going to die!’ 😉

6) Kangaroo’s can’t fart. The methane that their body produces is converted into an energy source that their body reuses! I wish I could say the same about my cat! 😛

7) Ever wondered how once a bee has found a flower suddenly every other bee in the whole neighbourhood is suddenly at that flower too? When a bee finds something that will be of significance to the hive (new home/food source), it returns to its hive and it…… wait for it……. it dances! But this just isn’t any interpretive dance, this little bee’s ‘waggle dance’ is telling all the other bees EXACTLY where the food source is, from the direction and distance it is in relation to the hive right down to the angle it is at in relation to the sun!! And even when the bee is doing this dance for hours, he changes his dance (its direction and the amount of wiggles he does per cycle) in relation to the sun’s movements so he is still telling the other bees exactly where the item is even though it is a different time of day!

8) Ask anyone and they will tell you that a goldfish only has a memory span of three seconds. Common knowledge right? But is it correct? A 15 year old Australian school boy decided to test this theory by placing a beacon in the water when he was going to feed the goldfish, would wait 30 seconds and then sprinkle the food around the beacon. After 3 weeks, with a beginning time (at one week) of 1 minute to recognise the beacon and a finishing time (at three weeks) of less than 5 seconds after the beacon was placed into the water, the goldfish showed they now had established the food connection to the beacon. The boy then removed the beacon from the feeding process and fed the fish normally for the next week. When reintroduced 7 days later, the fish immediately recognised the beacon and reached it in 4.4 seconds, showing that they remembered it and could retain the information! Turns out goldfish aren’t as dumb as we think they are, and when you think about it are certainly smarter than some humans! 😉

9) In 1740, a cow was found guilty of witchcraft and publicly executed! On another note all our ancestors were obviously also crack addicts 😛

10) You think human’s are evolved? Try this on for size: there is a monkey species where the baby pulls itself out of the womb!! That’s right, none of that horrible pushing and straining that seems characteristic of childbirth, the mother just gives the first initial heave and the baby does the rest of the work! Now THAT is evolution!

11) A dog was the king of Norway for three years! After the King’s son was killed by his subjects, angry, the King gave the people of Norway a choice, to be ruled by his slave or his dog, and they chose the dog! You know a person is a pretty shitty option when a dog beats him in politics! 😛

12) Sand Tiger Sharks are fighting for life from the moment they come into existence, literally! While the mother produces many eggs, she can only give birth to one pup, so once the embryo starts developing it has to begin killing off its brother and sisters while still in the womb in order to survive! Talk about a violent start to life!

13) Never underestimate how dangerous a Rattle Snake can be….. even when its dead!! The instinct to strike at close movement is so hard-wired into a Rattle Snakes muscle reflexes that even with a dead brain an hour after its death it is still capable of killing you!

14) The penalty for killing a cat in ancient Egypt was death!

15) And once again on a more personal note, an animal story that occurred a little closer to home! Karta is an orangutan at Adelaide Zoo, whose enclosure (which I spend way too much time at when I am at the zoo :D) is surrounded by hotwires and high walls. To keepers, Karta never seemed to pay much attention to these things, so it was to their great surprise one day when she jumped ship and got out of her enclosure!! Orangutans are extremely intelligent and are perfectly capable of working through problems, which is just what Karta had been doing in the days leading to her escape. She had previously poked the hotwire with a stick, but on the day of her escape, the smart little cookie twisted the stick through all of the wires causing them to touch one another and short circuited the whole system! Once she had done this, Karta then started ripping up plants and placing them up against the wall to make herself a ladder to get out! And after all that effort, Karta hopped over the wall, saw freedom wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, and climbed back into her enclosure! After her little adventure the keepers decided they better have a better look into their animal security systems haha 😉

Until next time lovelies 🙂

 

Life as of late! October 17, 2012

 After typing a gazillion essays (YAY FOR UNI -___-), not yet being bothered to complete all of my actual interesting but lengthy blog posts, having a complete burn out and not being able to comprehend what is going on half the time, here is my life as of late in picture form!

Stop the press, GEMMA ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING WITH HER HAIR! Those that personally know me know how big this is. My whole life I have never done anything with my virgin brown hair, so Steven decided to pay for me to get a change and get it dip dyed caramel blonde. I have to say I am extremely happy with the result, I have always liked the ombre colouring, and it goes perfectly with brown spastic curly hair that is kept down 99% of the time such as mine. And best of all, it is easily maintainable for the lazy bastard in me 😀

Steven and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary. This man means more to me than words can describe, and he has made the last three years of my life amazing. Love you always baby! 🙂 ❤

We also both just turned 21. This doesn’t really bother us, as we both already know no matter what age we are, we are always going to act like 5 year olds 😀 We also had a 21st BBQ, which was a big thing for us because we are usually antisocial and have an overwhelming need to cut off total human contact once it gets dark 😛 It turned out to be a wonderful night full of tipsy fun, in which I discovered I can still Gangnam style (If you are not sure of the dance and song I am talking about, go onto Youtube and look up ‘Gangnam style’ by PSY) like a boss while drunk:

After dancing to it once, everyone seemed very impressed with my dancing and insisted it was done again. Only the next morning could I actually recall how many people actually filmed a video of my dancing, and while I have seen it and was quite proud of my moves, that is one video I don’t think I’ll be showing you 😉

This 21st gift from my little brother made my inner nerd have a fan girl episode and squeal with glee. IT IS AN ACTUAL LIFE SIZED COSPLAY KEYBLADE. ISN’T IT AWESOME?! I might not be prepared for the zombie apocalypse, but if the Heartless attack, I AM THE KEYBLADE MASTER! 😄

After a year of living in Adelaide and applying for over 100 different jobs, I finally have got one…… at a pet store! 😀 This is currently my second week and I’m loving it so far. And just quietly, I am always happy when a puppy is a fussy eater or its siblings don’t let it have any food, it means I can take it out the back and feed it aka play with it, like this little sweetie 😀 It really makes me want to buy so many puppies, if it was up to me I would have already brought home a Blue Heeler, a Jack Russel, a Koolie, a Siberian Huskey (the little one above^) and a Golden Retriever! I sure if Jasper knew my plans of becoming a crazy dog lady, this would be his reaction:

Dear god….the end is near

At any chance to blow off my uni assignments, I have been devouring this mind blowing series. Seriously, read it right this second. I considered getting this book for about 6 months before actually purchasing it, and I regret not reading it sooner! I’d have to say it is already one of my favourite book series EVER. Jean Auel is an amazing writer, and the whole story is drool worthy. Set in the last Ice Age, the story is based on Ayla, a young European girl who loses her family to an earthquake at the age of 5, and is found and raised by Neanderthals, even though she is classed as one of ‘The Others’. Personally chosen by her totem the Cave Lion, Ayla tries her hardest to be a good Clan woman as she grows, but while her people and the Clan came from the same beginnings, the differences in body and mind between the two are vast. Tested over and over by an enormous amount of trials and tribulations, Ayla must try to repress her differences in order to stay with the only family she has ever known and loved. But as hard as she tries, Ayla is just too different, and has a destiny too great to ignore. After all, the Cave Lion, the strongest of all Clan totems, only chooses those that are meant for greatness. I could go on and on, but in all honesty, it really deserves a blog post in itself to do it any justice.

Uni is also sending me slightly batty, and I haven’t even begun to think about exams which are only 4 weeks away. If I actually manage to stay sane over the next month without some sort of breakdown it’ll be a miracle!

See you all on the flip side of exams! I hope……. /eye twitch

 

Taking a walk on the wild side August 3, 2012

After begrudgingly taking up Work Ed. as a subject as high school, I never could have imagined it would have led me to obtaining a job at a wildlife park at 16 years of age. Shyly handing in my application for work experience lead to a wonderful week of hands on wildlife work, which then lead to my decision to begin volunteering my time on the weekend at the park. After one volunteer shift, I received a call from the boss asking me if I would like a job (Though asking me if I would like a job with animals was like asking if the sky is blue :P). A year ago, my time at Dundee’s Wildlife Park ended due to its closure, and this month I have been feeling particularly nostalgic. From having being chased by a horny koala to being beaten up by a kangaroo, these are some of the most memorable experiences and animals that I encountered in my time at Dundee’s 🙂

Sweety the fat ass Donkey

Waiting for food, as per usual!

Cranky, pushy, manipulative, stubborn, a complete pain in the ass (see what I did there ;)), the word ‘Sweety’ did not really extend much past her name 😛 As much as she was frustrating, you became accustomed to hearing her screeching ‘EEEEYYYOOORRRREE!’ the moment you opened the front doors of the park in the morning, and I loved her dearly. Yes some days she caused complete havoc for us keepers because she had opened all the gates overnight and let the wallabies out which means you had to round them up (imagine 10+ little jumping animals over about an acre of land….. I did a LOT of running those days), yes she would break into the hay shed and eat a weeks worth of hay in one sitting, and yes she would pretend to get stuck in gates so customers would pay her attention and then she would steal their food, but she will always be one of my favourites, the cheeky little shit 🙂

Cooper the kickboxing Kangaroo

Relaxing after a hard morning of beating Gemma!

This is the kangaroo that one day made me his own personal punching bag. During our morning rounds, we had to do a clean up in Cooper’s enclosure, which involved simply sweeping the pavement. Cooper seriously made this easier said than done. See, he hated the broom. He would attack it when ever he saw it. Give said broom to a short 16 year old female, and put her in an enclosure with a broom hating MALE kangaroo who is going to try and exert dominance over and is taller than said short female, and you have just condemned the poor lass to a beating. This particular morning, Cooper decided the usual push and shove that he usually gave me wasn’t enough. After being able to clearly read his particularly aggro mood, voicing this to my superior, and still being forced to go in with him due to my bitch supervisor, he cornered me at the far end of the enclosure, and started attacking me! He bit, clawed, pushed, punched, head butted and finally, stood up on his tail and kicked me in the chest with his hind legs. Now, this move by kangaroo is powerful enough to break ribs! Luckily for me, the kick was only half assed, nonetheless, I still was left winded with a great whopping bruise across my stomach and chest! I always disregarded my supervisors demands to clean his enclosure after that 😛

Claus the cuddly Koala

Ready or not, here I come! >:D

Being hand raised, Claus (who was born around Christmas, hence Claus from Santa Claus…… I still think for a koala a better name would have been Claws :P) liked his cuddles, and he would go to any lengths to get them. When he was a baby, we used to have him sitting on a branch in the gift shop, with the shop attendant looking after him for the day. On one of my shop shifts, Claus was obviously trying to get my attention for cuddles, and I must have been particularly and annoyingly ignorant. He definitely managed to get my attention after a while …… by climbing up my leg like a tree! After he climbed the rest of my body, he sat quite smugly in my arms while visitors where oohing and aahhing over how cute his little stunt was, while I was trying not to openly agonise over the gouges of skin that had just been removed from my leg 😛

Dundee the horny Koala

Waiting for me to enter his rape dungeon…..

Placing this guy in an enclosure right across from a female in breeding season never ended well for us keepers. With all the super sexy female koala hormones sending him into a sex crazed state, sometimes Dundee liked to try his luck on who ever came into his enclosure. As soon as you entered, he’d already whipped it out. As soon as you had your back turned, he’d strike. After a while, having a horny male koala run after you and try to make sweet koala love to your foot was just a part of the morning rounds, but we would still run away squealing if he started getting a bit too jiggy with it 😛

Bobbi and Yella the Black Cockatoos

Yella making himself look pretty for the camera 🙂

Bobbi refusing to get off my shoulder 😛

These boys were my life and joy at the park. Their enclosure would be the first I’d visit in the morning, and the last I’d visit in the afternoon. Black Cockatoo’s are very intelligent birds . . . . and also very cheeky! Bobbi, the White Tailed Cockatoo, was the more gentle of the two, even with that huge powerful beak. He liked to sit up on my shoulder close to my ear, groom my hair and make little whistle noises and murmurs in my ear. The only time he’d ever nibble and bite my hand was if I was trying to remove him from my shoulder! 😛  Every time he saw you he would always call out to you and make a racket until you would go and visit him. Yella, the Yellow tailed Black Cockatoo, on the other hand always made a racket! While he too liked to sit on my shoulder, it wasn’t to be cutsie, but to steal hats, sunglasses (and break them :P), and play with and pull out my hair! He’d swoop you, hang above your head upside down, and even give your nose a good honking if you gave him half a chance! They both had completely different personalities, but I could have never ever chosen between my feather babies! 🙂

Buff the Water Buffalo

Big softie!

While weighing up to 3/4 of a tonne with horns that stretched 2 metres in length, this guy was nothing but a big softie! 🙂 At first I was so scared that if I went near him he’d gore me with those sharp horns, but soon realised that he was a big gentle giant who loved his hay and carrots. When ever I went in with him to change the water in his trough I kept a safe distance, as he did from me. But once I was safely on the other side of the fence again, as if he knew it were now safe, he would come up for pats. I happened to discover he also enjoyed licking, when one day I had my face near him and he decided to cover it in friendly buffalo slobber 😛 This giant animal wouldn’t hurt a fly, which is why I got so angry when I caught some customers throwing rocks at him and his ostrich companion one day. In my murderous rage I struggled to stay professional while telling them to stop what they were doing, but when the little 15 year old bitch gave me attitude, I couldn’t help but lose my shit and start yelling at her. If I recall, I called her an idiot and told her to ‘Get the f*ck out.’ She wasn’t so high and mighty then as I personally kicked her out of the park >:) Meanwhile Buff was waiting by the fence for me for a pat, making me wonder why someone would ever in their right mind throw things at him. This quote from ‘Family Guy’ describes me perfectly in these situations: ‘I’m like one of those bald eagles on the Discovery Channel. Beautiful to look at . . . . . . . but mess one of my chicks and I’ll use my razor sharp talons to rip your f*cking eyes out!’ 😛

The Psycho Emu Gang

Peculiar animals indeed 😛

Apparently a normal female + a normal male = completely schizophrenic babies! After the emus first lot of eggs hatched, it was obvious the three little munchkins were just born weird 😛 When they were little enough, they’d sneak through the gaps in the fence and try to chase the alpacas. When they were a bit older, they would chase each other around the enclosure in complete terror of one another. They would run in circles for absolutely no reason. They would literally stare at their food for 15 minutes like they didn’t know what it was, then chow into it like their was no tomorrow. When I was in their enclosure, they would play with my hair, took great amusement it biting my butt, and loved it even more when they had a chance to chase me. I would also regularly get a bath when changing their water trough. Emus love water, so when I emptied their trough on the ground, they would sit in it for ages. After they were thoroughly soaked to the bone, they would stand up, come over to me, and shake themselves like a dog. I think I came home smelling like emu a lot 😛

Heartburn and Julius the Crocs

Heartburn doing what he does best……..nothing 😛

We had many crocodiles at Dundees, but none was more of a pansy than Heartburn, the largest crocodile in the park. 17 years old and 3 metres long, Heartburn was a pipsqueak for his age, and unfortunately for him, he never did make up for size with his lazy attitude 😛 When we emptied his pond to clean it, he would go have a sook in the bushes on the bank until we returned is pond to its normal state. These sulking fits went as far as us being able to pat him without him moving (on the tail mind you, though he was lazy and a push over, there was still no way I wanted to be anywhere near those jaws! :P) Julius on the other hand was small and young, but ferocious as they come! About a metre and a half in length, Jules would always jump out of the water snapping his jaws trying to get you as you passed his pond. When you cleaned his pond, you needed everyone to help, whether they were cleaning and watching, and you had to be on guard at all times! When I went into work one morning and my boss Maurice told me we had to move Jules to a new pond up the top of the park, I assumed there was going to be more helpers, but it turned out it was just him and me! Firstly, we had to loop a rope around his top jaw. Once this was done, Maurice got into the enclosure to tie his jaws while I was holding onto the rope making sure he didn’t get away. After lots of struggling and splashing, his mouth was finally tied. Next step was a bit tricker, we had to get him out of his pond, which was deep in the ground, had no gates and a metre high fence that a person could climb easily on their own, but a crocodile in tow made it a little more difficult 😛 Maurice passed Jules up to me, and I had to haul him over the side. When I finally got him over the fence, he started thrashing, and recalling every Steve Irwin move I’d ever seen, I sat on top of him and held him down. Just call me the Crocodile Wrestler 😉

The ones that were lost

Along with all the wonderful animals that still live, there have been many that have also passed away that made my time at Dundees so special.

Incoming Kangaroo kiss!

Rufus was one of the first animals I fell in love with. He was a hand raised Kangaroo with Mickey Mouse ears. He was such a loving little animal and I spent lunch time sitting with him while he lazily sunbaked in the beautiful weather. He would always find you in the morning to greet you, and planted big wet kisses on your cheek. After a year of working there when my supervisor told me he’d had a seizure, I was heart-broken. I found him lying under a little shelter twitching, grunting and almost lifeless. If I thought I spent a lot of time with him before, now I was spending every spare second I had with him. He couldn’t get up and move at all, so instead I hand fed him and gave him water out of a bottle. When I returned a week later and he was still holding on, but had been next to forgotten about and left to lie in the dirt and as a result had gone blind in his left eye, I was furious. I found a blanket, and lifted my 70kg baby onto it and bathed his eye. The next morning, I was told it was the day he was going to get put down. I battled for control of my tears most of that day, but  at the end of my shift I broke down. I went and sat with him, cuddling him, telling him how much I had loved him and holding him close with his head resting on my lap. After an hour, I finally had to walk away, knowing that I would never spend another lunch time enjoying the sun with my dear friend. I’ll never forget that kangaroo.

Though a bit blurry, I feel this picture shows Woof for the cute freak he was 🙂

Rosie chatting up the camera!

In my third year at Dundees, there was a severe fire that completely burnt out the bottom of the park. In it, we lost some wonderful birds and owls. Woof was a Barking Owl, and he was quirky and loved for people to bark back at him when he called out, which sounded like a dog. Another bird we lost was Rosie the Major Mitchell, who loved daily scratches and talked to you non stop. Both had been there right from the start, and it wasn’t the same without them.

Sooky by name and sooky by nature!

Sooky the Galah didn’t actually pass away, but instead was stolen! This beautiful little bird lived up to her name to the fullest, loving cuddles from anyone at any time, so obviously someone decided they’d take her for themselves! Sadly, this was not the first or last time an animal was stolen…. sometimes I question people’s sanity! I have just always hoped the person that took her has looked after her well, she was a complete diva that needed papering to the fullest extent!

So many animals at that park over the 4 years have left me with so many wonderful memories. The good times, the bad times, the sad times and the times that made me laugh till my stomach hurt, I will never forget my time at Dundee’s and most of all the wonderful scaley, feathered and furry friends that made me look forward to work each day 🙂

 

Youtube: where liking puppies means ‘You should go die!’ June 16, 2012

Random Raging Rant No. 4: Abusive social media

Every social media site has a certain feel to it these days, and unfortunately most of them make me want to walk down the street swinging a baseball bat (though most people would be quite safe from getting their allocated smack to the face, I have the worst swing and coordination in the history of . . . . well, ever :P). Facebook gives young teen girls the chance to cavort in every position possible in the hope of getting a couple of cheap likes on their photos and absolutely fricken rape my god damn newsfeed with sexual statuses, giving it a ‘whorey’ feel. Instagram is just like Facebook minus the stupid statuses plus loads more charming photos. Twitter is just loads more stupid updates minus the dumb photos. For every good Facebook/Instagram/Twitter site, there is 10, 000 shitty ones. While I will never understand the motivation behind these actions on these media sites (and seriously consider becoming a social media hermit and eliminating it from my life, with the exception of WordPress of course :D), there is one site that absolutely takes the cake on my confusion level. Youtube /que evil and menacing music

Go onto Youtube. Search for absolutely any type of video. Really, take your pick, animals, games, sports, anything (mine is usually cute and fluffy things :D)! Now, it is not the actual video that I would like you to pay attention to, but rather what is underneath of it. This is where you will find the complete unravelling of rationality. Usually, a conversation will follow as such:

Person 1: Awwww, look at the cute little kitten!

Person 2 replying to Person 1: I will find you and stab you in the f*cking throat.

WHAT THE SHIT? So wait, let me get this straight, you have an overwhelming urge to stab someone . . . . .  because of their love of kittens? BECAUSE THAT MAKES COMPLETE SENSE YOU TOTAL PSYCHOTIC BASTARD!

Sports video: abuse. Funny video: abuse. Gaming review video: abuse. Baby sneezing: abuse. Video of tiny little fluffy kitten playing: abuse. A video about abuse: abuse. A video of a black screen: abuse. No matter the video, no matter the nice comments, in reply, there is always a torrent of (mostly) undeserved abuse flying between viewers FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON! Even my boyfriend Steven got told to ‘Shut the f*ck up and go die’ for a completely innocent comment about football, in which we sat there staring at the screen completely and utterly confused at what had been said to deserve said abuse! I know some of these people try to pick fights for fun, but it is those that dish out death threats and are completely serious about it that confuse the crap out of me! Everyone has an opinion, and its completely ok to express that opinion, but don’t you think maybe, just maybe, threatening to shoot someone in the face is taking it just that liiiiiittleee bit too far? 😛 I think rather than all this ‘I’m going to stab you’ business, we need to find these sorry individuals, superglue them to a chair and play this song on repeat:

But then again, they might hate this music video and tell me to go die in a hole 😉 I mean, as I have quite plainly advertised, I hate people too, but I could never throw such abuse at someone just for having their own opinion. What ever happened to a good ol’ friendly debates without wanting to rip each others throats out? I think I will just stick to being a silent viewer on Youtube rather than ever comment or, god forbid, ever MAKE a video. I am far too soft to be able to deal with abusive Youtubers . . . .  and I am quite fond of posting cute pictures of fluffy things without getting death threats 😛 LOOK ITS AN ADORABLE PUPPY!

Note: I understand the irony throughout this whole post of me raging about people raging 😛

On a more positive note, I was surprised and very honored this week to be presented with five different awards! Bassa’s blog, through celebrating 1 year of blogging, presented 52 bloggers with her own ‘You Make Me Shine!’ Award, which I was very honored to receive from such a wonderful (and cute and fluffy) blogger 🙂

Secondly, I received ‘The Versatile Blogger’ Award, ‘The Kreativ Blogger’ Award, ‘The Inspiring Blog’ Award and ‘The Sisterhood of the World Bloggers’ Award from the lovely blogger Zen! Thankyou so much my dear! 🙂 The usual rules with accepting these awards apply: Thank the person who nominated you and link them in your blog, some random facts about yourself, nominate other bloggers for the awards and let them know! 🙂 I will produce some more random word vomit about myself, and then separately allocate awards 🙂

1) I was actually genuinely upset when I didn’t get my Hogwarts letter on my 11th birthday when I came to the realisation that if Hogwarts did exist, I was a muggle. Which is why I think I’ll begin investing time into Pottermore, who says I can’t be a witch now eh? 😀

2) The war between my cat and I seems to have taken a turn for the worse. Rather than trying to give me a heart attack through scaring me, he is testing a new tactic of trying to gas me to death by producing extra disgusting poops. That he does on the floor. RIGHT NEXT TO THE LITTER TRAY.

3) I eat far too much chocolate, then again, I think every woman does 😛

4) I once had a friendly debate with a religious person who came knocking on my door, which ended in her declaring I was possessed, made a warding off sign at me and ran off. Apparently I’m the devil 😀

The Versatile Blogger Award Nominations

1) Reviews and Rants

2) Random Deviations

3) That’s Just Ridiculous by Curly Carly

All wonderfully funny and entertaining blogs! 🙂

The Kreativ Blogger Award Nominations

1) Creative Minds

Cooking, drawing and creating, Sarah covers it all with her new blog!

The Inspiring Blog Award

1) Mikumi Musings

2) Chronicles of Nature 

I respect both of these women greatly for the work with and their views on the wonderful world of animals 🙂

The Sisterhood of the World Blogging Award

1) Sezpets

2) lots’ bout nothing

3) Defining Wonderland

4) Brown Eyes and Green Bees

A sisterhood award that I am very happy to pass on to some of the lovely ladies of the blogging world 🙂

Now after all this typing and ranting and these wonderful awards and the stupid amount of studying I did today (writing 15 pages is a bitch!) I think I m going to go and gorge myself on junk food, and then to work it off chase my cat around the house 😀 Until next week lovelies! ^_^

 

Dumb and dumber June 3, 2012

Random Raging Rant No. 3: People.

I don’t know if I have just been particularly anti-social this week, or if people have been particularly stupid, so I’m going to go with the latter as it is the most reasonable explanation. As I seem to have been struck down with a severe case of the crankies and feel the need to use a large amount of profanities, here are a few things that I hate about a few stupid assholes.

1) People who ask stupid DUMBASS questions.

I used to work in a wildlife park, where I put on shows for people while holding baby crocodiles and snakes. So naturally, I got asked a lot of questions about the animals that I was showing. Now, before you think: ‘There is no such thing as a stupid question Gemma, stop being so over dramatic!’ let me enlighten you on the ABSOLUTE FRICKEN BEAUTIES I got asked EVERY FLIPPING DAY. I’d go to the crocodile tank, armed with a piece of tape. Getting the baby croc’s out of their tank involved speed, strength, a lot a wriggling and potential finger threatening moments. I would have to catch the babies and tape their mouths, all while the tykes were trying to bite my fingers off with their little razor sharp teeth. Often people would watch me do this. And what would people (I’m talking adults here) ask me after this little display?

‘Why is there tape on the crocodile’s mouth?’

WHAT THE FLIPPING FUDGE NUTS?! DID YOU NOT JUST STAND THERE FOR 5 MINUTES WATCHING ME STRUGGLE TO SHUT ITS GOD DAMN MOUTH WHILE IT WAS TRYING TO MAUL ME YOU IMBECILE? YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST FOR YOU I’LL TAKE THE TAPE OFF! HERE, EVEN GIVE IT A KISS, BECAUSE ITS ACTUALLY SUPER F*CKING CUDDLY, AND CLEARLY NOT GOING TO CHEW YOUR F*CKING FACE OFF!

During the day, crocs also like to sunbake and rest, and can sometimes sit in the same spot the whole day. We had quite a large croc in an enclosure that liked to do this. The stupid question people asked me?

‘Is it real?’

NO, IT’S NOT REAL AT ALL! WE HAVE JUST BUILT A HUGE MOTHER F*CKING ENCLOSURE WITH RUNNING WATER AND HIGH FENCES AND PUT FOOD IN THERE FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON! WOULD YOU LIKE A CLOSER LOOK? MAYBE GO PLACE YOUR HEAD IN ITS MOUTH?

2) People in shopping centres.

You know the ones. The ones that stand completely stationary the whole time you are walking up to them, and then just as you are walking behind them they step back WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING and run right into you then give you a dirty look like it was YOU who did something wrong. Or the gossipy woman with a trolley that runs into an equally gossipy friend who also happens to have a trolley, and they both seem to mutually agree it is A FLIPPING FANTASTIC IDEA TO TOTALLY BLOCK OFF THE WHOLE AISLE WITH THEIR TROLLEYS WHILE THEY CHAT FOR AN HOUR, AND AGAIN, GIVE YOU DIRTY LOOKS AND SNIDE COMMENTS WHEN YOU POLITELY ASK THEM TO MOVE. OH I’M SORRY, BECAUSE CLEARLY IT IS ME WHO IS THE INCONSIDERATE ASS!

3) People who don’t use their car indicators.

Apparently using your indicator is THE HARDEST thing to ever do while driving a car according to the lack of people who use it. Countless times have I almost had a run in with a car as a pedestrian because some dumbass thought using his indicator was over-rated and that it would be fun to make me play a guessing game. USE YOUR INDICATOR DUMBASS.

4) Attention whores on Facebook

 Those absolutely stick thin girls who post pictures like this:

Oh ma gawd, I’m so fat!

Firstly, if you really thought you were fat, you would not put up revealing photos of yourself. Secondly, you know you are skinny, so shut your face. And thirdly, BITCH, IF YOU ARE FAT, THEN I AM FRICKEN SHAMU!

5) People who tink itz kewl to tlk lyk dis.

Please learn how to talk before I make you eat a dictionary. Just typing like this made me feel dirty!

6) The man who thought it would be a great idea to name a bird species ‘Larus maximus ex alba et nigro feu caeruleo nigricante varius’.

I am trying to memorize some Latin names for my Animal Diversity exam. Most are only two words tops, this one however is an absolutely monstrosity. Needless to say, this man was obviously a sadistic asshole. IF THIS SPECIES COMES UP IN THE EXAM (BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I AM DEDICATING PRECIOUS MEMORY SPACE  TO REMEMBER THIS STUPID NAME) I AM GOING TO FIND SAID MAN AND SHOVE A PINEAPPLE UP HIS ANAL SPHINCTER.

In the future, I am sure there will be many more posts dedicated to the joy that is the human race and how much of the social butterfly I clearly am 😛

Until next week my lovely readers, unless I decide to run off into the forest and become a hermit 😀