Remain Insane

Ramblings of an animal loving, people hating, game enthusing, book nerd :D

The memoires of a crazy cat June 18, 2013

Let’s face it, cats are freaking nuts. And as with anyone who has ever owned a cat in the history of ever, I have always thought that my own, Jasper, has always been a little bat-shit-crazy…. weird. Maybe this is because of the deprivation of oxygen and the death of a few hundred brain cells when he got stuck in-between the couch cushions before we owned him. Maybe this is because Steven and I have just driven him insane. But maybe, just maybe, this is because he is, and always has been, a conniving mastermind playing dumb, waiting each day for his moment to strike. Upon finding Jasper’s ultra secret diary, my suspicions have been confirmed, with his schemes beginning from the very first day we brought him home, but not always going exactly as planned….

Jaspers Diary

Day 1: Catnapped!

Dear Diary,

Today, whilst ransacking the warden’s kitchen with my siblings, to prove the point that his mere ‘cat barriers’ were no match for our cunning, the day took an unexpected and horrible turn…… I was kidnapped. Abducted! Stolen from my home! The warden was in on it too, he handed me over, just like that! I am now beginning to think he was running some type of illegal cat trading agency. Bastard. My two captors consisted of a tall male and a squealing female who seemed disturbingly obsessed with picking me up and squeezing me (Note: overheard them referring to it as a ‘hug’, must remember to run when same word is used in the future.). Once we reached my new prison, I tried to strike fear into their hearts by viciously attacking one of the dangling objects they waved in my face, but miraculously my attempts went unnoticed, with them referring to me as ‘cute’. Unbelievable. Perhaps if I play the cute card and allow them think they have won me over, they will reveal their diabolical plans for me sooner. I will watch. I will wait.

Unhand me woman!

Day 44: Strange objects

Dear Diary,

My captors are yet to reveal their purpose for me, at the present time, they seem completely content with just ‘owning’ me, which is completely absurd. They don’t fool me for a second. Over the past months they seem to think I have been ‘happy’ because I am eating and playing with the numerous fluffy and bouncing things they have bought me. But in honesty, I have only been scarfing the meagre rations to keep my strength up, as well as practice killing manoeuvres on the ‘toys’ to ensure that when the opportunity presents itself, I will be able to escape. I suppose this place is comely enough, but my captors are strange humans (they mock me by constantly meowing at me), and this place contains too many objects I don’t understand. Like the strange object they erected in the loungeroom today. It is quite obviously some kind of climbing structure for me, why else would they have made it look like a tree? Yet when I assumed as much and began my ascent to the star shaped object sitting on top, they took me away from it and told me I mustn’t climb it again. Naturally, I ignored them, which ended in me locked in solitary confinement for 30 minutes. Not to mention the complete embarrassment when I mistook ‘pictures’ on the black box they like to watch as real things and promptly face-planted a solid object. The horse was MOVING, how was I meant to know! My captors laughed at me until they were in tears. Oh the shame.

They'll never find me in here!

They’ll never find me in here!

Day 103: New love

Dear Diary,

It was only a week ago that I first laid eyes on her. I no longer sit at the window day-dreaming of my escape – escape no longer seems so important at the present time – but instead I sit and wait for her. At first she didn’t pay me any attention, she was too occupied with rubbing against my captors legs when they were out in the yard (preposterous!) but finally she noticed me! I sat eagerly at the window as she approached, hoping I had remembered to groom myself that day, but alas, rather than love at first sniff, she hissed at me and stalked off. I am not disheartened, and will continue to try to win her affections. The captors however have been making this next to impossible though by refusing to let me outside the house (due to ‘roads’ and ‘cars’, bah!). How am I meant to woo said female without being able to interact with her?! To voice this disgusting injustice, I have found a delightful new way to irk the captors. After using my litter tray, I have vowed to scratch anywhere but the litter. The wall, the floor, even the air, I will flail my paws in any random direction and scratch, as this seems to infuriate female captor, even more so when I take the extra dedication to smear my faeces across the walls. I will get to my female at any cost.

My love, come back!

Day 200: Mutilated

Dear Diary,

My female is now forever out of my reach. She still gracefully dances through my window watching from time to time, but no longer do I long for her, as the captors conducted an atrocity of the most heinous kind…….. they took my manhood. This place has taken a turn for the worse, changing from a mere prison to a torture chamber.  I had grown complacent with the captors, with their food and displays of affection, for I had begun to believe they may be too simple minded and soft hearted to have had any ulterior motives for me. But now, more than ever, I realise that escape must always remain my number one priority, lest I fall victim to another session with the captors accomplice: the ‘Vet’.

The horror.

Day 315: Transferred

Dear Diary,

Today the captors transferred me to a new containment facility via the horrid metal beast, with all of our belongings in tow. This prison is an upgraded version of the last, with a long hallway for running, large windows for bird watching and a giant floor scratching post that the captors call ‘carpet’. This transferral is no doubt due to my good behaviour as of late, as I have ensured I have been extra ‘cute’ in order to reassure the captors I do not harbour any negative feelings towards them. I am sure this will eventually lead to a lax in their surveillance of me, and that is when I will strike. I was positive that this opportunity had presented itself to me today in the form of an open door, but alas, it was not so. I raced towards it as fast as my legs could carry me before the captors noticed only to, again, face-plant a solid object. Heard the captors calling this new devilry a ‘screen door’, obviously installed there with the sole purpose of tormenting me. I think I may have to find a way to drown them in their water bed tonight.

Soon I will escape this hell hole!

Day 406: New prisoner

Dear Diary,

The captors have brought home another prisoner. I was hoping that this new inmate would be of some use to me, as either an accomplice or a scapegoat, in my efforts to escape, but contact with the animal is not possible. The small creature has been placed in a glass box filled to the brim with water, and is under even more strict solitary confinement than I. I am now questioning my captors sanity even further, as I can only conclude this prisoner is placed in such a thing because a) The captors have designed a new type of torture device – one which I can only assume they will one day use on me, or b) He is a truly vicious beast (maybe he is a homicidal maniac) and has to be kept in such a way for our safety. Upon observing him and his beady little eyes, I have decided it is the latter, and that he is best to be avoided. Though, at the rate my food supply is dwindling (captors have changed me to new food, said I was getting too fat!), I may at some point be forced to confront the beast and eat him. Better him than me.

Who knows what crimes this thing has committed to be under such strict confinement?!

Day 500: The end is nigh

Dear Diary,

500 days. 500 days I have been with my captors, and ……. I think I have finally discovered the captors plans for me, but I fear it is too late…….. I… I think I am becoming domesticated. Last week it was playing fetch outside with the female captor, happily bringing her back the stick like a dog! Yesterday it was waiting patiently by the door for male captor to return from his day duties. Today I even caught myself sitting on female captors lap because it was a cool winters day. THE SHAME! I can’t believe I have been so blind as to let them manipulate me so, it stops now! Tonight, I must do it tonight before they continue their diabolical plot. I will find a way to distract them and finally escape as I should have a long time ago. I will leave after dinner, tonight they are preparing roast chicken, which I am quite fond of. Perhaps I’ll first play a game of chasey with the captors too, for old times sake. Hmm, tonight looks to be a little cold, and my bed is awfully warm, maybe I should wait? Yes. Yes I will wait. Tomorrow. Maybe.

Escape…… later…… zzzzzzzzz.

While your plans may have not worked out over the past year and a half Jasper, it’s nice to know our evil ‘domesticate cat’ plan certainly has 😉

Until next time lovelies 🙂

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15 Useless Animal Facts Pt. 2 :D December 29, 2012

Everyone loves weird/gross/interesting animal facts on a Saturday evening, so here is Part 2 of my list of completely useless animal facts! 😀

1) Frogs are unable to vomit. Being a reflex to get rid of possibly harmful toxins we have ingested, obviously lacking this mechanism means that if frogs eat something harmful they’ll kick the bucket right? Wrong! Rather than vomiting and bringing all its food back up in that revolting manner, the frog instead throws up its ENTIRE STOMACH, empties the contents of it, and then swallows its stomach back down! Neat huh? 😛

2) Despite the huge difference in length, giraffes and humans have the same number of bones in their neck: seven.

3) Dolphins can’t sleep. For humans, breathing is an unconcious mechanism as we live in the medium that we also happen to breathe, oxygen. For dolphins, living underwater but also needing O2 means that a dolphin is a conscious breather as it has to monitor its O2 intake and regularly come up for air. If a dolphin was to fully drift off into a peaceful slumber like we do it would drown! To solve this problem, a dolphin will take small naps with only one half of its brain at a time while the other half is still awake!

4) Baby Koala’s are not born with the ability to digest eucalyptus leaves. Obviously with eucalyptus being the only thing on the menu for a koala, this presents a bit of a problem! To help the babies digestive system develop the enzymes to overcome the toxins in eucalyptus, the mother feeds her baby a substance called pap…… which is er, well, pre-digested leaves….. yes she feeds her baby her faeces. As a result of this, the baby is able to eat eucalyptus when it is older, but is only able to eat the same types of eucalyptus as its mother did, as its immune system was only able to adapt to the pre-digested leaves it was exposed to in the mum’s poop!

5) A female ferret needs mate after she has gone into heat or she will literally die (because of a hormone imbalance)! While this is legit for the ferret, I wouldn’t put it past some humans to try and see if this excuse works with their partners: ‘Honey, if we don’t have sex right this moment I’m going to die!’ 😉

6) Kangaroo’s can’t fart. The methane that their body produces is converted into an energy source that their body reuses! I wish I could say the same about my cat! 😛

7) Ever wondered how once a bee has found a flower suddenly every other bee in the whole neighbourhood is suddenly at that flower too? When a bee finds something that will be of significance to the hive (new home/food source), it returns to its hive and it…… wait for it……. it dances! But this just isn’t any interpretive dance, this little bee’s ‘waggle dance’ is telling all the other bees EXACTLY where the food source is, from the direction and distance it is in relation to the hive right down to the angle it is at in relation to the sun!! And even when the bee is doing this dance for hours, he changes his dance (its direction and the amount of wiggles he does per cycle) in relation to the sun’s movements so he is still telling the other bees exactly where the item is even though it is a different time of day!

8) Ask anyone and they will tell you that a goldfish only has a memory span of three seconds. Common knowledge right? But is it correct? A 15 year old Australian school boy decided to test this theory by placing a beacon in the water when he was going to feed the goldfish, would wait 30 seconds and then sprinkle the food around the beacon. After 3 weeks, with a beginning time (at one week) of 1 minute to recognise the beacon and a finishing time (at three weeks) of less than 5 seconds after the beacon was placed into the water, the goldfish showed they now had established the food connection to the beacon. The boy then removed the beacon from the feeding process and fed the fish normally for the next week. When reintroduced 7 days later, the fish immediately recognised the beacon and reached it in 4.4 seconds, showing that they remembered it and could retain the information! Turns out goldfish aren’t as dumb as we think they are, and when you think about it are certainly smarter than some humans! 😉

9) In 1740, a cow was found guilty of witchcraft and publicly executed! On another note all our ancestors were obviously also crack addicts 😛

10) You think human’s are evolved? Try this on for size: there is a monkey species where the baby pulls itself out of the womb!! That’s right, none of that horrible pushing and straining that seems characteristic of childbirth, the mother just gives the first initial heave and the baby does the rest of the work! Now THAT is evolution!

11) A dog was the king of Norway for three years! After the King’s son was killed by his subjects, angry, the King gave the people of Norway a choice, to be ruled by his slave or his dog, and they chose the dog! You know a person is a pretty shitty option when a dog beats him in politics! 😛

12) Sand Tiger Sharks are fighting for life from the moment they come into existence, literally! While the mother produces many eggs, she can only give birth to one pup, so once the embryo starts developing it has to begin killing off its brother and sisters while still in the womb in order to survive! Talk about a violent start to life!

13) Never underestimate how dangerous a Rattle Snake can be….. even when its dead!! The instinct to strike at close movement is so hard-wired into a Rattle Snakes muscle reflexes that even with a dead brain an hour after its death it is still capable of killing you!

14) The penalty for killing a cat in ancient Egypt was death!

15) And once again on a more personal note, an animal story that occurred a little closer to home! Karta is an orangutan at Adelaide Zoo, whose enclosure (which I spend way too much time at when I am at the zoo :D) is surrounded by hotwires and high walls. To keepers, Karta never seemed to pay much attention to these things, so it was to their great surprise one day when she jumped ship and got out of her enclosure!! Orangutans are extremely intelligent and are perfectly capable of working through problems, which is just what Karta had been doing in the days leading to her escape. She had previously poked the hotwire with a stick, but on the day of her escape, the smart little cookie twisted the stick through all of the wires causing them to touch one another and short circuited the whole system! Once she had done this, Karta then started ripping up plants and placing them up against the wall to make herself a ladder to get out! And after all that effort, Karta hopped over the wall, saw freedom wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, and climbed back into her enclosure! After her little adventure the keepers decided they better have a better look into their animal security systems haha 😉

Until next time lovelies 🙂

 

Imaginationland May 28, 2012

Filed under: The Ramblings — Gemma @ 10:57 pm
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I think the most disappointing part about some people growing up is that they lose the imagination they had a kid. The days that you could instantly transport yourself to another world, when you could be and do absolutely anything you wanted, from a Disney Princess in a castle (I was always Belle or Ariel :D) to a Superhero saving the world (playing Spiderman became so much more epic with those silly string toys!). Like the crazy old codger Albert Einstein, I think an imagination is something that needs to be valued and retained throughout a lifetime! I have gladly held onto this trait though I am 20 years old, and I do not plan on ever letting it go! Obviously I don’t bust out the barbies or rampage down the street declaring to everyone I meet that I am actually a dinosaur, but I still spend my time pondering strange scenarios, like what it would be like if Planet of the Apes was to actually happen, and if I would make a good pet human or if I would have a tendency to bite my ape master if he got stingy with my food.

One thing I adore about my boyfriend Steven is that he also shares my whacky imagination. When talking, we usually veer off onto wild tangents about outlandish scenarios and end up on the floor laughing until we can’t breath. Our most recent topic of conversation was our cat Jasper. As you know, Jasper is an evil mastermind (or if you don’t, please see my post: https://therantommenace.wordpress.com/2012/05/06/youre-the-devil-in-disguise/. By the end of it you’ll understand what a conniving little bastard he is :P). After trying to escape to the outside world and having a tantrum that we foiled his plan, we let our imagination run rampant, and decided that Jasper was trying to escape to the outside world to begin to gather his fellow felines and lead a cat rebellion against us. We believe that, mounted on dogs, they would gather in our backyard with Jasper at the head, screeching a death cry.

We decided that we would arm ourselves with raw steaks to incapacitate their steeds and water spray bottles to take down Jasper’s cat minions. Once the battle begins, we would fly through their air like ninjas and take them all down one by one. Naturally, as the water-logged cats drag themselves away and the dogs munch on their food, it would come down to an epic last confrontation between us and Jasper. Que Western duel music.

Being the pansy he is, this would all end with a spray of water to Jasper’s face. As he sits down to begin a long-standing sulking episode, we would pick him up, take him inside, and would always keep our spray bottles close at hand forever preparing for another uprising in the future.

Yeeeeeah, we had a bit too much time on our hands that day, but we laughed and laughed until our stomachs ached 😀

Imagination makes life fun, so embrace it! Growing up is over-rated 🙂

On the topic of imagination, Steven asked me a really great question the other day:

‘If you had a choice from any movie/book/game, which fictional world would you like to live in?’

My choice would be the world of Pandora from the movie Avatar, minus all the destruction by the humans of course. The beautiful forests, the interesting animals and being so in touch with nature would be like my dream come true!

So what fictional world would you choose to live in? 🙂

On a side note, these are the reasons this past weekend has been absolutely wonderful:

1) I completed two of three major assignments that are due and am well on my way to completing the other by tomorrow (a 6 page assignment about dirt, absolutely riveting -___-), giving me more time to play glorious upon glorious hour as the elf Rochelle, the saviour and Grey Warden of Ferelden! (Dragon Age, best RPG ever, play it right now! :D)

2) My football team Richmond Tigers absolutely belted the Hawks (sorry planettwentytwo, I had to mention it :P) in which I proceeded to massacre their song for the rest of the night with my lovely banshee screeching singing 😀

3) Steven and I managed to find a lovely walking track within this feral little area where we can escape reality for a little while and not have to deal with stupid people 🙂

4) My blog hit over 100 followers! Huzzah! And again thankyou all! 😀

5) One of my lovely followers, though she had only been subscribed to my blog for a week, listed me as one of her ‘Top Ten Blogs to read that aren’t about books’, which absolutely made my day! 🙂 For all you book nerds out their such as myself, definitely check out her blog! http://enchantedbybooks.wordpress.com/

6) We have wooden floor boards. I just happened to find my fluffy Shrek-coloured socks that have no grip. Surfing around the house shall commence immediately, a little something like this:

Fortunately, I actually have this song on my iPod, so unfortunately, I shall also be busting out similar awesome dance moves 😀

No exam revision shall be getting done the next few days 😀

 

You’re the devil in disguise May 6, 2012

Filed under: The Animal Loving — Gemma @ 10:02 pm
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 This my friends, is the face of evil:

Oh but don’t be fooled by his looks! Underneath this cute and fluffy exterior is a plotting and diabolical mastermind. When we first got him, while he was quite adorable, we assumed he was simple minded. He kept up this charade very convincingly for months with extremely dedicated idiocy through:

– Killing off a couple hundred brain cells per day through hitting his head on every single object possible.

– Running around the house at top speed on wet floors, losing balance and face planting the walls

– Diving and face planting the TV trying to catch the pretty pictures

– Licking poison

– Getting stuck in the bin

– Jumping in the shower over and over again while the water was on

– And becoming fascinated with and creepily staring at the ‘Magic Box’ (air conditioner)

After all this brain-cell-killing activity, I was very surprised when he started showing a bit of brainage. He would steal my clothes while I was in the shower so I would have to give him attention and chase him. I once spent 5 minutes chasing him around the house while he had a pair of my underwear on his head! When he felt that I was a terrible owner and was not feeding him soon enough, he would open all the cupboard doors himself and get his own food. He has also locked me in an epic battle of tomfoolery. He uses the shock tactic, scaring me when I least suspect it. I on the other hand, like the gentle loving person I am, use brute force >:D Everyday,  Jasper sets himself up in a strategic place around the house, and waits. After about 10 minutes, he will meow. Me being a gullible idiot, will stop what I am doing and try to find him, thinking something is wrong. Then, out of no where, ninja cat comes flying through the air and attacks me like this:

Possibly slightly fabricated

I think through these ambush attacks, it is quite probable that Jasper is in fact trying to give me a heartattack and kill me, in which I believe he will then eat me hence winning the battle. But I will give him no such satisfaction. Fighting back, I have locked him in the cupboard, chased him with the big scary duster, and also turned our water bed into a cat catapult while he was peacefully sleeping on it, by sitting my fat ass on it and sending him flying across the room. As the fight rages on, I seem to be losing miserably. I think more cat-apulting is in order ;D The score stands as such:

Jasper: 459

Gemma: 3

As he sleeps peacefully next to me right this moment, it seems the battle is over for the day, but the night is young. From the evil glaces he was shooting me before, I believe tonight may be the night he finally plans to smother me in my sleep. I shall take the duster to bed with me for protection . . . . just in case. Until next week my lovelies, unless Jasper gets to me first! 😐