Remain Insane

Ramblings of an animal loving, people hating, game enthusing, book nerd :D

How Minecraft is ruining my life February 14, 2014

First I heard whisperings of it, then gamers raving of it, but as it was a computer game, I disregarded it and blissfully ignorant was I. Then, it became available on PS3. Oh, I told myself I would just try it out and that I wouldn’t play it much. I told myself it is only a silly, ‘play-once-in-a-while’ game, and so I logged in for the first time and sold my soul.

For those of you out there who are unfamiliar with the game, let me give you the run down. Prepare to have your mind blown. Ok, you ready for this? You break and place blocks. Yep, that’s it. You break a motherfucking block so you can place a different motherfucking block. The people, the animals, even the clouds, are all in cube form. It is the most simple concept which was most likely born from someone who also coincidentally had ready access to marijuana. But for reasons even unbeknownst to me, I can’t stop playing the fucking thing.

Minecraft 360

My addiction was formed through a two part process. The first was Survival Mode. When you begin, you start with absolutely nothing but your character Steve. However, there are beasties lurking and your hunger to be taken care of, so you have to begin to collect resources. So, the first course of action is to break down a tree only using your fists. I’m not even joking, you have to beat trees into submission with your bare hands. This is how an action as such would go down in real life:

/walks up and confidently punches tree expecting it to break

FUUUUUUUUUUU

So after you have broken every bone in your hands and wailed on the tree, you can now make a wooden axe, pickaxe and sword. You can even start building a house and killing animals for food. But, wooden tools are pretty shit, and after breaking about 50 of them you head off to find a mine to collect some stone. Once you have stone, you can make stone tools. Now you need a way to light up your house, so back off to the mine to collect some coal. By now you have encountered many beasts and probably died quite a few times, and think it is worth investing in some armour. So you return to the mine to collect some iron. Then you need more stone to make a smelter to smelt the iron ore into ingots. Then you need more wood for a crafting table to make your armour. Then you need more iron to make iron tools. Then you happen to come across some obsidian (a very valuable stone that can be turned into a portal to another world), which shits on your iron pickaxe because it can only be mined with a diamond pickaxe. So you go back into a mine and search 826598726 hours for diamond, all this while taking  regular breaks to find some food before you die…….. AND THERE IS NO END TO THIS CYCLE. You get so absorbed that this would be your reaction if someone interrupted your game play to tell you that you had won $50 million:

Reaction GIF: don't care, Morgan Freeman, The Shawshank Redemption

But this would be your reaction if you found one damned block of that damned pixelated diamond:

Elf

Enough is never enough. When you first begin, collecting resources is about survival. By the time you have collected your first piece of iron, it is about collecting anything and EVERYTHING. Your addiction compels you to keep collecting shit you don’t even need, ‘just in case’.

Me: 1542 wood, that should be plenty!

Obsessive compulsive Minecraft-crazed brain:

The second part of my addiction was developed through Creative mode. In this mode, you don’t have to collect anything, your inventory is already packed with unlimited supplies of everything. Which means you can let your imagination run rampant and you can build whatever the hell you want. My brother, boyfriend and I lost 3 days to this mode. We made towns, ships, volcanoes, rockets, statues, arenas, tree houses and more. I was even compelled to re-create shit like this:

 Next on my list is to recreate Middle Earth, from the Shire to Mordor. This is how entrenched I am in my addiction. Even though I realise my next project will take me weeks, I AM STILL GOING TO DO IT. By the time I leave the house again, I would have forgotten that the world isn’t actually made of cubes, will most likely become scared and confused, and run back inside to the familiarity of Minecraft.

File:-dafuq-.gif

I COMPLETELY RECOGNISE THAT I WILL HAVE TO GIVE UP THE REAL WORLD FOR A VIRTUAL WORLD MADE OF BLOCKS, BUT I AM STILL OK WITH THIS.

I have an addiction ladies and gentleman. An addiction to collecting 2673 pieces of wool. To slaying cubed zombies and dragons. To building useless shit in block form. I think it is time to check myself into Minecraft rehab…….

…..now, what would the rehab centre be made out of? Wood, definitely wood. But I need to go collect some more, I don’t want to eat into my supply of 5690 wood pieces. A fireplace would be perfect as well, better swing by the mine and get some stone, may as well grab some coal while I’m there too, maybe even some iron……..

😉

 

The reality of Reality TV – What their commercials should really say! August 18, 2013

Kinda Raging Rant No. 6: Reality TV

Television. We all have one, and in this new technological dominated era, we all watch it. Whether it be the morning news, the mid-day soap operas or the 6 o’clock Simpsons, at some point in the day, we are perched in front of our TV to unwind and watch some entertainment. As any TV viewer may have noticed however, there is more TV shows than ever, but less quality entertainment as a particular type of TV show has not-so-slowly dominated the airwaves night in and night out. This type of TV show has no limits nor no bounds on what it will do to get views. It will ruthlessly shit on and replace your favourite shows and make you wonder if the world has lost it’s effing mind. It features the weird, the dumb and the outright bizarre. Welcome, ladies and gentleman, to the world of…..

Reality Television.

The first few reality TV series seemed harmless and interesting, once producers saw the dollar signs, suddenly EVERYTHING has the potential for a full blown show, and every dipshit can be a TV star! I understand the novelty of each, but when they start replacing Futurama, Simpsons and my beloved David Attenborough documentaries with Keeping up with the Kardashians or Here Comes mother-f*cking Honey Boo-Boo, I have to question the IQ of humanity and am reduced to this for the remainder of the night:

What is even more bizarre than the actual shows themselves is the amount of people I come across that actually WATCH them and follow them religiously. It is becoming a trend and an actual topic of conversation that people regularly talk about, and it is one topic that I am glad to be left out of the loop. Sometimes people will notice I am finding a brick wall far more intriguing than the conversation and that I am not contributing to it, they will ask something like ‘So, did you see the new episode of Jersey Shore where so-and-so cheated on so-and-so?!’

Excuse me?

To which I will try and not pull a face, mumble something about not watching that type of show, and go back to inspecting the wall. Because what gets even weirder is that I sometimes get judged for NOT watching these types of shows! 😛 Before I insult anyone who is an avid reality TV fan, I will point out I used to watch my fair share of reality TV like Big Brother and Australian Idol, back when it was something new and an effort was actually put in to make it interesting. But as time has worn on, so have the shows, and the crap that is actually making it on to TV is mindblowing! Every time I turn on the TV, there is a new reality show screaming at me for attention in an advert full of promise of providing entertainment. And boy, are these adverts priceless! I feel sorry for the guys who had to come up with a way to make such mundane shows sound interesting 😛 The commercials always give me a giggle, but they always like to stretch the truth and make the show sound dazzling and action-packed, but when you watch the show, it is a steaming pile of horse shit. So, in the interest of TV viewers everywhere, I have taken it upon myself to create some more honest adverts for some of the reality TV shows that are vying for our love and attention, just so you know what you are REALLY getting yourself into 😉 (For added entertainment, please watch this video and imagine the rest of what I am writing in his voice :P)

Pawn Stars

The commercial: ‘Pawn Stars takes you inside the Harrison family pawn shop in Las Vegas, where the quirky characters haggle over fascinating wares! Join us and our hit series that takes you into the colourful world of the pawn business!’

The reality of the Reality: ‘Pawn Stars – takes you inside a family that knew the one way they were going to get ratings was making themselves initially sound like a cheap porno – where three fat American guys search through some people’s shit to find shit to sell so they can buy more shit. Join us as we rip people off in a show that takes you into the really boring And I mean REALLY boring world of the pawn business, where you can witness grown men fan-girling over wooden toilet seats!’

Geordie Shore

The commercial: ‘MTV camera’s follow some of Newcastles finest lads and lasses, giving you a sneak peak into their glamorous lives! There’ll be tears, tantrums, drama and outrageous behaviour by the bucket-load, with buff Jay, cheeky Gaz (who says he has a manhood the size of a tv remote control!), spice boys James and Greg, queen bee Vicky, sexy diva Holly with her FF boobs, ditzy Charlotte (who would never kiss a guy unless he had a six pack!), and ladette Sophie, who can be regularly found flashing her boobs in the local bar!’

The reality of the Reality: ‘MTV has lowered its standards once again, in what was first thought to be a piss-take of Jersey Shore, giving you a sneak peak into a bunch of Dorito encrusted guys and gals who all date each other, cheat on each other and piss and whine about everything! They’ll be some of the worst acting you have ever seen by the truck load, with steroid-induced Jay, over-exaggerating Gaz, lady-men James and Greg, mega bitch Vicky, a pair of boobs that go by the name of Holly, unrealistic-expectations Charlotte, and man-lady Sophie, who still isn’t quite sure what the meaning of clothes is!’

Beauty and the Geek

The commercial: ‘Stunning girls and genius guys live together and team up as they compete in hilarious and heart-warming challenges to test their intellect and social skills. Join us as ‘The Ultimate Social Experiment’ geeks out our beauties, and beautifies our geeks!’

The reality of the Reality: ‘Fuelling the stereotype that beauty means your thick as a brick and that smarts mean you are unattractive and socially inept, women who have only ever relied on their looks and guys who rely on their brains are forced to live together and team up for challenges – whose sole purpose seems to be to put the ‘nerd’s’ through hell. Join us for face-palms and cringe worthy moments as the geniuses of our generation are forced to teach grown women 4th grade all over, while they learn the true meaning of life: Unless you look like a pretty boy your intelligence and personality means jack shit to women!’

16 and Pregnant

The commercial: ‘This summer, MTV presents an unprecedented look at the controversial issue of teen pregnancy. These six girls have to face the bumpy terrain of adolescence, growing pains and rebellion, all while dealing with being pregnant and having to deal with challenges such as marriage, adoption, religion, gossip, finances, finishing school and getting a job. Faced with juggling their teenage years pregnant all while preparing for high school experiences like prom, they will be faced with adult decisions at every turn.’

The reality of the Reality: ‘This summer, MTV somehow manages to sink lower than Geordie Shore while further fuelling sterotypes, and presents a glorified look at the issue of teenagers forgetting to wear a condom and then acting shocked when they manage to get knocked up. These six girls have to face the bumpy terrain of their teenage years all while having to deal with screaming at their mothers, becoming selfish and bratty, and moulding themselves into a someone you are pretty sure shouldn’t have been allowed to breed. Faced with juggling their teenage years while trying to deny they are pregnant and still insist that everyone needs to take responsibility for their situation but themselves, they will be faced with adult decisions at every turn, which they will fail miserably time and time again. Morale of the story: Don’t be silly, wrap your willy!’

Iceberg Hunters

The commercial: ‘Join a brave group of men who travel through ‘Iceberg Alley’, the worlds most densely packed gathering of icebergs in Canada. Once out on open seas, the crew is at the mercy of Mother Nature, facing storms, ice sheets, hypothermia-inducing waters, dense fogs, rough seas and unpredictable massive icebergs. They search for, wrangle and harvest ice, and bring it back to land for the production of pure bottled water and vodka!’

The reality of the Reality: ‘Join a group of men who can’t shoot anything smaller than a mountain, as they pick on the locals in ‘Iceberg Alley’. Once out on the open sea, the crew is at mercy of nature, facing a whole load of problems that could have easily been avoided if they had just stayed home and got a normal job. They must be ‘skilled’ in searching for and wrangling the ice – as their crafty prey can evade them by running away from them at speeds of 0.005 miles an hour – and take it back to land to make water and vodka. Next episode: Men’s realisation that ice for water and vodka can be made in the freezer!’

A little more accurate yes? 😉 Whether you love it or hate it, reality TV is dominating the air waves and here to stay. When it comes down to it, you have two choices: to watch TV or avoid it. Those who want to still be able to watch TV all seem to follow the same path: they will give them a chance, but eventually get sucked into the vortex of stupid, enjoy the shows and then talk about them non-stop. When these people, soon after their imminent demise, tell me that maybe I should watch TV a little more, my answer usually involves a polite but resolute ‘no’ 😛

I think I’ll stick with books 😉

Until next time lovelies 🙂

 

Mounted cat heads, hyney’s and animal penises – The strange people who stumbled across my blog with strange Google searches July 31, 2013

As bloggers, there is nothing we like better than to visually see the virtual love our little internet space is accumulating in the form of followers, likes, comments, and more importantly, the amount of views shown on our stats pages. Whether it be 30, 300, or even 3000 views, seeing that little bar graph grow and expand is a way to let us know people have stopped by, visited our page and read our awesome blogs. On the surface, these stats and views look pretty as a picture and always give a much needed confidence boost that fellow bloggers like your stuff. After a while however, you will notice that it is not just other bloggers that are coming across your page, but also random people that have entered particular terms into a search engine, and lo’ and behold, your blog has popped up! At some point, you will become curious as to exactly what words and phrases are leading people to your blog, and will delve into the ‘Search Engine Terms’ to find out. I did as such, expecting to see a normal bunch of search terms and be able to place what searches had lead to what post. Boy was I wrong! Turns out, a lot of people have come across my blog searching for a bunch of very fucked up *ahem* strange things, in which my blog would have no doubt left them sorely disappointed 😛 So without further ado, here are some of the weirdest people with the weirdest Google searches to ever grace my blog!

Brace yourselves people, we are entering the underbelly of the ‘Search engine terms’ 😛

‘Cockroach shit’

Really? Cockroach shit? I’m always one for weird animal facts, but come on, there has to be something a bit more interesting to spend your time googling, like cat memes! 😀

‘Mounted Cat Heads’

WHAT?! WHY WOULD EVEN WANT THAT?! CAT’S ARE FOR GIGGLES AND CUDDLES, NOT TO MOUNT ON YOUR WALL! YOU GET OFF MY BLOG, AND YOU GET OFF IT NOW!

‘Hyena penis’, ‘Lion Penis’, ‘Baby Orangutan Penis’, ‘Animal penises’.

Wow people of the internet, you really like your animal penises! Sorry folks, though I have (in my ‘Useless Animal Facts’) mentioned a female hyena’s pseudo-penis and a lion’s scary spiked ding-a-ling, I don’t actually provide a whole A-Z of animal shlongs!

‘Hyney’

I seriously hope you are an atrocious speller and were searching for ‘Hyena’, because there are certainly no hyney’s on this blog! Sorry to disappoint, maybe if you get straight to point and search the terms ‘butt’ or ‘bum’ you’ll find what you’re after? 😛

‘Carly Rae Jepsen butt’

Oh, well in that case……. no, there are still no butt cheeks or cracks to be seen here. Go away!

‘Nude pics from warm summer rain’

What?! What have I just been saying?! How did you even get here?! Oh wait, I know, it was when I said one of my favourite things was summer rain wasn’t it? Sorry to get your hopes up, all you would have found would have been a picture of rain, not very good masturbatory material! Here, let me make it up to you, here is a photo of a wet pussy!

Come on really, what else did you expect? ;P

‘Sailor Moon sex’

So after just specifically specifying I have no buttock’s or nude pictures, you think I’ll have hentai on here too?! SAILOR MOON IS A CHILDHOOD FAVOURITE OF MINE, GET LOST YOU HOBO!

‘Skinny teen anal’

NO NO AND NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? HAVE YOU HEARD OF A THING CALLED PORN? GO USE IT!

‘I am the reptilian satan still i am the most beautiful man alive. women love me and my huge phallus in great demand’

Ok, so when I first saw this, I searched the term assuming it could only be song lyrics………….. it’s not. I don’t even…….I can’t understand……….

WHAT?!

 I can’t even begin to unravel this one or even comprehend what post attracted this person to my blog, so all I have to say is, yes, I am quite sure you’re huge evil reptilian willy is in great demand with the ladies /pats head and slips medication into drink 😛

Next time you check out your stats page, I dare you to search a little deeper into your search terms to see what you find. While you may come out of it a little scarred and have less understanding of the human race, but I promise it will give you a giggle 😛 Though if you decide to write a post about it like I have, be prepared to have even more weird search terms pop up over the next few weeks as a result of writing about them (I am now expecting an influx of porn/sex/phallus searches now, mother of god :P). Out of all the search terms in my list, my favourite has to be: ‘Crazy people talking about nothing’, which is stumbling across and visiting my blog for exactly the right reasons 😉

Until next time lovelies 🙂

 

The memoires of a crazy cat June 18, 2013

Let’s face it, cats are freaking nuts. And as with anyone who has ever owned a cat in the history of ever, I have always thought that my own, Jasper, has always been a little bat-shit-crazy…. weird. Maybe this is because of the deprivation of oxygen and the death of a few hundred brain cells when he got stuck in-between the couch cushions before we owned him. Maybe this is because Steven and I have just driven him insane. But maybe, just maybe, this is because he is, and always has been, a conniving mastermind playing dumb, waiting each day for his moment to strike. Upon finding Jasper’s ultra secret diary, my suspicions have been confirmed, with his schemes beginning from the very first day we brought him home, but not always going exactly as planned….

Jaspers Diary

Day 1: Catnapped!

Dear Diary,

Today, whilst ransacking the warden’s kitchen with my siblings, to prove the point that his mere ‘cat barriers’ were no match for our cunning, the day took an unexpected and horrible turn…… I was kidnapped. Abducted! Stolen from my home! The warden was in on it too, he handed me over, just like that! I am now beginning to think he was running some type of illegal cat trading agency. Bastard. My two captors consisted of a tall male and a squealing female who seemed disturbingly obsessed with picking me up and squeezing me (Note: overheard them referring to it as a ‘hug’, must remember to run when same word is used in the future.). Once we reached my new prison, I tried to strike fear into their hearts by viciously attacking one of the dangling objects they waved in my face, but miraculously my attempts went unnoticed, with them referring to me as ‘cute’. Unbelievable. Perhaps if I play the cute card and allow them think they have won me over, they will reveal their diabolical plans for me sooner. I will watch. I will wait.

Unhand me woman!

Day 44: Strange objects

Dear Diary,

My captors are yet to reveal their purpose for me, at the present time, they seem completely content with just ‘owning’ me, which is completely absurd. They don’t fool me for a second. Over the past months they seem to think I have been ‘happy’ because I am eating and playing with the numerous fluffy and bouncing things they have bought me. But in honesty, I have only been scarfing the meagre rations to keep my strength up, as well as practice killing manoeuvres on the ‘toys’ to ensure that when the opportunity presents itself, I will be able to escape. I suppose this place is comely enough, but my captors are strange humans (they mock me by constantly meowing at me), and this place contains too many objects I don’t understand. Like the strange object they erected in the loungeroom today. It is quite obviously some kind of climbing structure for me, why else would they have made it look like a tree? Yet when I assumed as much and began my ascent to the star shaped object sitting on top, they took me away from it and told me I mustn’t climb it again. Naturally, I ignored them, which ended in me locked in solitary confinement for 30 minutes. Not to mention the complete embarrassment when I mistook ‘pictures’ on the black box they like to watch as real things and promptly face-planted a solid object. The horse was MOVING, how was I meant to know! My captors laughed at me until they were in tears. Oh the shame.

They'll never find me in here!

They’ll never find me in here!

Day 103: New love

Dear Diary,

It was only a week ago that I first laid eyes on her. I no longer sit at the window day-dreaming of my escape – escape no longer seems so important at the present time – but instead I sit and wait for her. At first she didn’t pay me any attention, she was too occupied with rubbing against my captors legs when they were out in the yard (preposterous!) but finally she noticed me! I sat eagerly at the window as she approached, hoping I had remembered to groom myself that day, but alas, rather than love at first sniff, she hissed at me and stalked off. I am not disheartened, and will continue to try to win her affections. The captors however have been making this next to impossible though by refusing to let me outside the house (due to ‘roads’ and ‘cars’, bah!). How am I meant to woo said female without being able to interact with her?! To voice this disgusting injustice, I have found a delightful new way to irk the captors. After using my litter tray, I have vowed to scratch anywhere but the litter. The wall, the floor, even the air, I will flail my paws in any random direction and scratch, as this seems to infuriate female captor, even more so when I take the extra dedication to smear my faeces across the walls. I will get to my female at any cost.

My love, come back!

Day 200: Mutilated

Dear Diary,

My female is now forever out of my reach. She still gracefully dances through my window watching from time to time, but no longer do I long for her, as the captors conducted an atrocity of the most heinous kind…….. they took my manhood. This place has taken a turn for the worse, changing from a mere prison to a torture chamber.  I had grown complacent with the captors, with their food and displays of affection, for I had begun to believe they may be too simple minded and soft hearted to have had any ulterior motives for me. But now, more than ever, I realise that escape must always remain my number one priority, lest I fall victim to another session with the captors accomplice: the ‘Vet’.

The horror.

Day 315: Transferred

Dear Diary,

Today the captors transferred me to a new containment facility via the horrid metal beast, with all of our belongings in tow. This prison is an upgraded version of the last, with a long hallway for running, large windows for bird watching and a giant floor scratching post that the captors call ‘carpet’. This transferral is no doubt due to my good behaviour as of late, as I have ensured I have been extra ‘cute’ in order to reassure the captors I do not harbour any negative feelings towards them. I am sure this will eventually lead to a lax in their surveillance of me, and that is when I will strike. I was positive that this opportunity had presented itself to me today in the form of an open door, but alas, it was not so. I raced towards it as fast as my legs could carry me before the captors noticed only to, again, face-plant a solid object. Heard the captors calling this new devilry a ‘screen door’, obviously installed there with the sole purpose of tormenting me. I think I may have to find a way to drown them in their water bed tonight.

Soon I will escape this hell hole!

Day 406: New prisoner

Dear Diary,

The captors have brought home another prisoner. I was hoping that this new inmate would be of some use to me, as either an accomplice or a scapegoat, in my efforts to escape, but contact with the animal is not possible. The small creature has been placed in a glass box filled to the brim with water, and is under even more strict solitary confinement than I. I am now questioning my captors sanity even further, as I can only conclude this prisoner is placed in such a thing because a) The captors have designed a new type of torture device – one which I can only assume they will one day use on me, or b) He is a truly vicious beast (maybe he is a homicidal maniac) and has to be kept in such a way for our safety. Upon observing him and his beady little eyes, I have decided it is the latter, and that he is best to be avoided. Though, at the rate my food supply is dwindling (captors have changed me to new food, said I was getting too fat!), I may at some point be forced to confront the beast and eat him. Better him than me.

Who knows what crimes this thing has committed to be under such strict confinement?!

Day 500: The end is nigh

Dear Diary,

500 days. 500 days I have been with my captors, and ……. I think I have finally discovered the captors plans for me, but I fear it is too late…….. I… I think I am becoming domesticated. Last week it was playing fetch outside with the female captor, happily bringing her back the stick like a dog! Yesterday it was waiting patiently by the door for male captor to return from his day duties. Today I even caught myself sitting on female captors lap because it was a cool winters day. THE SHAME! I can’t believe I have been so blind as to let them manipulate me so, it stops now! Tonight, I must do it tonight before they continue their diabolical plot. I will find a way to distract them and finally escape as I should have a long time ago. I will leave after dinner, tonight they are preparing roast chicken, which I am quite fond of. Perhaps I’ll first play a game of chasey with the captors too, for old times sake. Hmm, tonight looks to be a little cold, and my bed is awfully warm, maybe I should wait? Yes. Yes I will wait. Tomorrow. Maybe.

Escape…… later…… zzzzzzzzz.

While your plans may have not worked out over the past year and a half Jasper, it’s nice to know our evil ‘domesticate cat’ plan certainly has 😉

Until next time lovelies 🙂

 

Hey Mr. Grumpy Gills! June 5, 2013

It can begin with something as little as having to go to work or school. Maybe some asshole customer was rude to you, or you stubbed your toe. Sometimes it begins with simply just having to get out of bed. It doesn’t matter what mood you’re in either – be it happy, sad, chilled out –  all it takes is for a single event to occur or word to be said and suddenly……..

A bad mood, the grumbles, or a severe case of the crankies strikes! In one swift stroke, you have been transformed from a calm and normal human that is able to handle irritating situations into someone who has the capability to break into a rage over everything and anything!

No….. paper…… towels?!

These seedy little bastards like to crop up and turn you into a raging hulk at any given opportunity, lurking behind every human interaction or dropped pencil. And what’s worse, once you have caught a case of the crankies, it is near impossible to get out of it! I hear you say ‘But Gemma, a smile and a positive attitude will fix that grumpy mood!’. This is easier said than done, and can sometimes put you even more on edge. If you look anything like me when I try to smile while furious, I recommend to just keep the ‘I’m angry’ face. You might look like a grump, but you will be less likely to make small children cry.

Once a bad mood has wormed its way into our day, you either try and get rid of that bitch quick, or be doomed to experience what shall be dubbed as ‘The Three Stages of Anger’. Each is a different phase of severity, but if you do not break a bad mood fast these naturally occurring stages will help shit hit the fan (figuratively or literally, depending on level of sanity retained while raging) in no time!

Stage 1: Annoyance and Denial

Stage 1 usually begins with something small, maybe someone has just told you the ending to a movie you were really looking forward to see, or maybe you happened to pick the one trolley that screeches like a banshee so people stare at you while you do your shopping.

Usually this stage will happen early on in your day, and is often the beginning of a cascade of irritating situations. You are peeved off and annoyed, but still have enough sense to realise how strange it would look to have a temper tantrum over something so small, so you exercise your self control and attempt to act as if nothing has happened. You try to convince yourself that it didn’t bother you and that it would be silly to get angry over something little…… but you can’t help but feeling a little bit pissy.

Stage 2: Frustration and Contemplation

The beginning of Stage 2 is often triggered by a series of unfortunate events after the initial cause of Stage 1, where each successive event has felt just that little bit more dramatic and anger worthy. You have now surpassed the level of self control you still held in Stage 1, and are now prone to random outbursts of rage at any given moment.

image

By this point you have given up on denial and have accepted the fact that you are in a bad mood and begin to hate everything. Rather than trying to pretend these things aren’t bothering you, you begin to contemplate and fantasize about exactly how much you could get away with, like: ‘I wonder how that person would react if I were to sock them in the face?’ or ‘How many items could I throw off of this shelf before security tackles me?’

 Stage 3: Infuriation and Destruction

The onslaught of this final stage usually begins the same way Stage 1 does, with something so completely and insignificantly small it usually would not even warrant a mild swear. But by this point, you no longer recognise this nor care. With all inhibitions and self control thrown to the wind, your simmering bad mood is just waiting for an excuse to boil over. And when Stage 3 hits, a simple every-day interaction with someone can result in, what looks like from an outsiders perspective, a completely unjustified bat-shit crazy reaction.

‘Hi, how are you?’

image

After this stage it is usually best to go home and lie low for a while, as you have probably been labelled as a public menace with anger management issues 😛

While some people try smiling their way through a bad mood or forcing themselves out of it, there is only one holdfast solution to get rid of a grumpy mood once and for all:

Watch Finding Nemo 😉

Until next time lovelies 🙂

 

Happy blogiversary Remain Insane! May 29, 2013

If my blog was a person, I’m pretty sure it would be pissed off at me right now or embracing its namesake, losing its shit and flinging faeces at me, as I did the worst thing you can do in a relationship with someone……. I missed our 1 year anniversary together.

Oh shit!

Oh Remain Insane, please forgive me! I still love you, we just needed some time apart to make me fall in love with you again! Don’t look at me like that, I had other things I had to do! No I didn’t cheat on you! Those other assignments for uni meant nothing to me baby, I swear, you are my one and only! Here, I’ll make it up to you, here’s a happy party cat to celebrate our anniversary with us!

Can you not see the joy radiating from him?! What about a dancing duck?!

Look, don’t be mad, I even made you a cake! And by ‘made you a cake’ I mean typed in ‘Happy Blogiversary’ into google search and copied the first picture I found 😀

Now that all is forgiven, as no one can resist a funky duck, a cute kitty AND cupcakes, Happy blogiversary Remain Insane! 😀 32 posts, 692 comments, 256 followers and 27, 488 views, it’s been one whole year since I decided I’d like to have my own little corner of the internet to upload my word vomit and share the insanity, and as it turns out, a whole lot of people are happy to remain insane with me, go team! XD

Remain Insane and I have had some good times together over the year. Like one of my very first posts about the amazing bird called Alex who could not only talk, but could actually understand what he was saying (Alex the Grey, move aside Gandalf!), or the time I very successfully scared some people off of coming to Australia (Australia – What they didn’t show you in the adverts), or my most popular post, a raging rant on why I hate people (which was just the tip of the iceberg folks 😉 ) (Dumb and Dumber) 😛 I have also received so many lovely awards and comments from so many lovely people, 2 of which I found I had waiting in my notifications today! Thankyou littlebookblog and brityell for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger and Sunshine Award!

I would like to pass these awards on to:
Freak of Fandom – an awesome blog I only just came across the other day, I have only read half a dozen of her posts but they are great, so check her out! 🙂

Throat of the World – Because I love freaking LOVE Skyrim and this blog makes my inner Dovahkiin happy 😀

and last but not least

Saving our relatives – a fairly new blog by a lovely lady who has a passion for primates, particularly Chimps 🙂 I feel you primate loving sister! 😛

You ladies definitely deserve them! You can find the pictures for the awards in my side bar over that-a-way >> 🙂

Now I’m not so good at following the rules thing, so I’ll just go ahead and answer the questions that come with them 😛

Favourite colour: Fluro green :D

Favourite animal:  Orangutans and African Grey Parrots and Kitties!

Favourite number: 83586762872084 😉

Favourite non-alcoholic drink: I know I really should say something healthy like ‘Water’, but in all seriousness I love sugar, GIVE ME VANILLA COKE! 😀

Favourite alcoholic drink: Currently Butterscotch Schnapps!

Facebook or TwitterWordPress 😉

My passions: Books, games, animals, hating people, you know, the usual 😛

Giving or receiving gifts: Giving, I love spoiling the ones I love! …….and ok I won’t lie, receiving gifts is also pretty darn dandy! 😀

Favourite city: Erm, well I don’t really want to say the capital of SA, but its the only city I know well enough, so Adelaide it is! Congrats Adelaide, you win by default! 😛

Favourite TV showsScrubs and Modern Family 🙂

It’s been a great year Remain Insane, and I promise you that the barrage of ranting and crap I upload will continue 😀 Oh, and one other thing. Don’t be mad blog, but I kiiiiiiiinda have these 3 assignments I have to do for uni, so um I kiiiiiiinda might not be paying  you as much attention for the next few days……….. we’re still good though right? RIGHT?!

I’ll take that as a no 😛

Until next time lovelies 🙂

 

Top 15 ways to procrastinate April 8, 2013

I have 2 debates tomorrow that I have to prepare for and an assignment due on Friday about insects……. so naturally, here I am 😀 Here is what I think are the best ways to procrastinate and how I have been spending the past few days to avoid all Uni related topics 😀

1) Eating your feelings

Thinking about your assignment? Here, have some chocolate! Wondering if you should start it yet? No, don’t be silly, here, have some chocolate! Worried that its due tomorrow? Here, have some chocolate! Feel ready to start that essay now? Pfft, don’t do that, here, have some chocolate!

Food provides instant gratification, study does not. Therefore Food>Study 😀

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2) Sleeping

Do you want be a model student and stay at that computer slaving away for hours on that assignment due next week, or do you want to curl up under those nice warm snuggly covers, shut your poor weary eyes and catch a few z’s in dreamland? Seriously, is this even a question?! 😉

3) Reading Facebook arguments

Casually logging onto your Facebook (which in itself is a procrastination tool ;P), quickly flick through your news feed, same ol’ same ol’ ‘This happened to me today’, ‘Look at this picture of my kid’, ‘Ohemgeeee’, and……. wait! What was that?! *Gasp* 100+ comments, loads of swearing and insults, and *double gasp* they have started used CAPSLOCK?! Let me get the popcorn!

Dis gon b gud

4) Reading an awesome book

You know that book that you have been wanting to read forever but have been reading your textbook instead? Yeah, now is the best time to read it, because nothing makes a book more interesting than directly comparing it to the stuff you have to read for assignments! 😀 Plus they allow you to escape to all sorts of wonderful and interesting worlds! Mine right now is Seven Ancient Wonders by Matthew Reilly, Ancient Egyptian prophecies and jam packed action are a lot more cool than flower pollination strategies 😀

5) Playing games

Want to play Bioshock Infinite with floating cities in the sky, vigors that let you throw fire and have a literal ‘murder of crows’ and has rifts in the time-space continuum?

YES.

How about Skyrim where you are the motherfricken Dovahkiin with the ability of the Thuum which allows you to throw people off cliffs, tame dragons and create massive storms out of nothing, all with your voice?

DOUBLE YES.

Maybe even Dragon Age where you are one of the two last Grey Wardens, fighting to unite all of Ferelden against the impending Darkspawn blight and the dreaded Archdemon which threaten to destroy the world?

TRIPLE YES.

Want to do your homework now?

NEVER 😀

6) Re-arranging your sock drawer

Which suddenly becomes a whole lot more fun when you should be doing homework instead 😛

7) Playing fetch with the cat

Yes, you heard me, cat, not dog. Oh, didn’t you know that cats play fetch too?! Well ……. at least mine does 😛 He is entertained for at least a good half hour with me throwing him a stick which he will bring back to me, super cute…… and a little strange 😛

Fetch Jasper!

8) Playing dress ups

Crazy wigs, extravagant makeup, funky costumes, doing this is fun anytime of day, procrastinating or not! 😀 I opted for a crazy 80’s rocker wannabe, and sadly, that wig isn’t far off how my natural hair can look sometimes 😛

9) Annoying your better half

Poke them, wrestle them, meow in their ear constantly, hide their stuff, give them a wet willy, pin them down and tickle them, bite them – you’ll soon forget about any study that you are ment to do! Mainly due to an onslaught of retaliation from them, and hence the war begins 😛 My boyfriend is definitely the better half with the things he has to put up with, even when he gets me back 100 times better 😛 ❤

Procrastination can be dangerous 😛

10) Listening to Disney songs

Whenever I remember I once conveniently compiled all my favourite Disney songs into one blog post (which you can find here), study instantly ceases, as I have no choice but to listen to each and every single one about half a dozen times each 😀 Disney songs from your childhood never get old, and should be a must on anyones procrastination to do list 😉

11) Looking up all the gloriously nerdy props that you need want

Like this:

One ring to rule them all….

And this:

Cardcaptors 😀

And especially this:

Gonna catch me an Eevee 😀

A good few solid hours can always be wasted looking up these wonderful items that have absolutely no practical use whatsoever, BUT ARE SO FREAKING AMAZING 😀 I kinda feel like this cat when looking at these types of things:

12) Graciously accepting a sports video game challenge against your boyfriend

At any other time of the day, most girls would decline the challenge knowing that their boyfriend is going to run all over them, but this is procrastination you are talking about so accept the offer damn it! 😛 Who knows, you might even win, I know I have……… once 😛

Wait…. you mean I won? I spose I should be gracious and all…. I AM THE CHAMPION, BOW DOWN TO ME MORTALS! 😀

13) Go onto Google Earth, and out of all the wonderful places you could look at, search for your own house

I can’t really put it any more detail than that…….. so here is a picture of a cat acting like a sir 😛

14) Make random animal noises

For those in desperate need of self entertainment and that have exhaused their supply of procrastination tasks 😀

15) Write a blog about procrastinating and then procrastinate writing it

Like I have been doing for the past few hours 😀 Procrastinating over writing about procrastinating, I think I should join this club: 😛

Until next rambling,

 

The customer is always right. March 24, 2013

And if by ‘customer’ you mean ‘spawn of Satan’, and by ‘right’ you mean ‘incurably stupid’, then yes, the ‘customer’ is ALWAYS ‘right’ 🙂

Ah people, the worst part of everyone’s day! No matter what department you work in or career you have chosen, I think we all dread the moment we have to open up shop and let the mindless hordes into our workplace.

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In terms of customers, my first job at a wildlife park was great. Being a keeper, you don’t have to give a flying dog crap about the customers, you are there for the animals! Sure, you get some pretty idiotic questions, but at the end of the day, as long as the animals are taken care of, your job is done. My new job however, may be at a pet store with cute fluffy baby animals, but is (shudder) a customer service job. I have been at said job now for 6 months now…… and lets just say I wish my workplace had this policy:

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After having what may possibly be the most stupid conversation with a customer in my life the other day, I thought I would share some of my most stupid customer questions/stories that have personally happened to me or have been told to me by my lovely boyfriend Steven who knows the ins and outs of idiocy that is displayed at a grocery store. I mean, what good are these stupid experiences if they can’t at least be used for a laugh right? 😛

Customers in a wildlife park

Customer 1 – when conducting a show where customers may hold a baby crocodile:

Why is there tape on the crocodiles mouth? – said the lady who had just watched me catch the croc while it was trying to bite my fingers

Customer 2 – upon seeing the baby crocodile:

Oh, can I hold the big one instead? /points to the three metre croc that could, oh I don’t know, MAYBE RIP HIS F*CKING LEG OFF?!

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Customer 3:

Do you ever like put the crocodiles in harnesses and take them for walks?

Customer 4:

Can I ride the donkey? – Said the fully grown adult twice the size of the donkey

Customer 5:

Can I ride a kangaroo? – Said the American woman who clearly took our ‘We ride kangaroos to school’ joke a little too seriously

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Customer 6:

Excuse me, do you work here? – Asked the woman while I was in the buffalo enclosure up to my elbows in animal shit

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No lady, I don’t work here, I’m just doing this for shits and giggles.

Customers in a Grocery store

Customer 7 –  taking her purchases through the checkout at about 7pm:

Worker: Have a good day!

Customer: /walks off and then goes up to the service desk

I’d like to make a complaint!

Manager: And what was that?

Customer: That girl over there told me to ‘Have a good day’, when it’s actually night-time.

Customer 8 –  looking for an item:

Customer: Excuse me, do you have Susan Day Fairy Cakes?

Steven: No, we haven’t been able to get them in for a while now sorry.

Customer: That’s bullshit! The people who do the orders need a f*cking bomb shoved up their ass!

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Customers in a Pet Store

Customer 9 – interested in buying a dog:

Um, so, like what do dogs eat? – Said the guy who I really hope was trolling

Customer 10 – wanting to buy a rat:

Co-worker: Okay dokey, so do you have food for him?

Customer: No, I’ll buy that next week.

Co-worker: Oh….. but you want the rat now?

Customer: Yes.

Co-worker: So what do you plan on feeding him with for the next week?

Customer: He’ll be ok without it for a week won’t he?

Customer’s 11 and 12 – There was a sign at the front of the store on a puppy pen saying ‘Guinea Pigs: now only $10!’ In said puppy pen was a Border Collie puppy:

Customer 11: Oh my gosh, look at that giant guinea pig!

Customer 12: Excuse me, can we please buy the $10 dog?

Customer 13 – interested in buying a puppy: 

Can I put that dog on layby for a month? – Asked the man who didn’t seem to understand that puppies grow

Customer 14 – paying for her purchases:

Co-worker: That’ll be $135 thankyou.

Customer: /takes money out of her wallet, hands it over to co-worker

Co-worker: You need twelve more dollars.

Customer: What does that mean?

Co-worker: You need $12 more.

Customer: I don’t understand, I didn’t go to school to learn this shit! – Exclaimed the woman who is not known for her brainage

Customer 15 – asking for dog medical advice:

Customer: Hi, my dog is throwing up and dehydrated, do have anything I can give it?

Me: Um, I think you should be taking your dog to the vet immediately.

Customer: Oh, why?!

Customer 16:

Customer: How much are your puppies?

Me: Which one? (we have 9 different puppy pens)

Customer: That one. (gestures to the right that has 4 puppy pens)

Me: Which one over there?

Customer: That one! (waves his hand again in the general direction to the right)

Me: Top or bottom?

Customer: Bottom I think.

Me: Left or right?

Customer: Left, I mean right…. your right?

Me: Do you know its name?

Customer: Yeah, the staffy pups, on the top right!

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Because saying ‘the Staffy pups’ to begin with was super hard hey?

Customer 17 – asking prices about dogs and the man who inspired this post  –

Customer: Excuse me, how much is this dog?

Me: Three hundred and ninety five dollars.

Customer: Ok, how much is this one compared to that one?

Me: Both are three hundred and ninety five dollars.

Customer: So you mean I could get both dogs for only $395?!

Me: /sigh No, they are three ninety five EACH.

Customer: Wait, so each dog is only $3.95 each?!

Me: …………….. No, they are THREE HUNDRED AND NINETY FIVE DOLLARS EACH.

Customer: But you said they were three ninety five each?

Me: Yes, meaning EACH dog ON ITS OWN is $395.

Customer: Wait, so its $395 for one dog, not both?

Me: YES.

Customer: And they are $395, not $3.95?

Me: YES.

Customer: So I can’t get two dogs for $395?

Me: NO.

Customer: Oooooooooooh! Wait I’m still confused!

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 Humans: we’re certainly bred for our intelligence right? 😉

Until next time my lovely readers,

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15 Jasper memes! January 30, 2013

Let’s face it, if I were to go through your browser history while ignoring some of the more ….. er …… colourful web searches 😛 at some point I would come across ‘cat memes’, ‘funny cats’ or something similar of the sort (yes, even you too guys!). I myself tend to spend far too much time looking for these ridiculous pictures when my boredom is coupled with internet access AND I REGRET NOTHING! 😀 but am always rewarded with a giggle at these crazy little critters antics. After viewing a few hundred of these pictures and memes, I was going through my photos and came to the realisation that over the course of his short life, my cat Jasper has been very photogenic………..so after having way too much time on my hands these uni holidays, having the opinion that cats are hilarious in any situation as well as having an over active imagination, I give you……. *insert drumroll here* my very own Jasper memes! 😛 No doubt my cat would disown me if he knew how badly I was degrading his noble stature on the internet, but what he doesn’t know can’t hurt him right? 😉

And lucky number 15, a reaction typical of my boyfriend and I when talking to Jasper 😛

I need to get out more 😀

Until next week lovelies 🙂

 

15 Useless Animal Facts Pt. 2 :D December 29, 2012

Everyone loves weird/gross/interesting animal facts on a Saturday evening, so here is Part 2 of my list of completely useless animal facts! 😀

1) Frogs are unable to vomit. Being a reflex to get rid of possibly harmful toxins we have ingested, obviously lacking this mechanism means that if frogs eat something harmful they’ll kick the bucket right? Wrong! Rather than vomiting and bringing all its food back up in that revolting manner, the frog instead throws up its ENTIRE STOMACH, empties the contents of it, and then swallows its stomach back down! Neat huh? 😛

2) Despite the huge difference in length, giraffes and humans have the same number of bones in their neck: seven.

3) Dolphins can’t sleep. For humans, breathing is an unconcious mechanism as we live in the medium that we also happen to breathe, oxygen. For dolphins, living underwater but also needing O2 means that a dolphin is a conscious breather as it has to monitor its O2 intake and regularly come up for air. If a dolphin was to fully drift off into a peaceful slumber like we do it would drown! To solve this problem, a dolphin will take small naps with only one half of its brain at a time while the other half is still awake!

4) Baby Koala’s are not born with the ability to digest eucalyptus leaves. Obviously with eucalyptus being the only thing on the menu for a koala, this presents a bit of a problem! To help the babies digestive system develop the enzymes to overcome the toxins in eucalyptus, the mother feeds her baby a substance called pap…… which is er, well, pre-digested leaves….. yes she feeds her baby her faeces. As a result of this, the baby is able to eat eucalyptus when it is older, but is only able to eat the same types of eucalyptus as its mother did, as its immune system was only able to adapt to the pre-digested leaves it was exposed to in the mum’s poop!

5) A female ferret needs mate after she has gone into heat or she will literally die (because of a hormone imbalance)! While this is legit for the ferret, I wouldn’t put it past some humans to try and see if this excuse works with their partners: ‘Honey, if we don’t have sex right this moment I’m going to die!’ 😉

6) Kangaroo’s can’t fart. The methane that their body produces is converted into an energy source that their body reuses! I wish I could say the same about my cat! 😛

7) Ever wondered how once a bee has found a flower suddenly every other bee in the whole neighbourhood is suddenly at that flower too? When a bee finds something that will be of significance to the hive (new home/food source), it returns to its hive and it…… wait for it……. it dances! But this just isn’t any interpretive dance, this little bee’s ‘waggle dance’ is telling all the other bees EXACTLY where the food source is, from the direction and distance it is in relation to the hive right down to the angle it is at in relation to the sun!! And even when the bee is doing this dance for hours, he changes his dance (its direction and the amount of wiggles he does per cycle) in relation to the sun’s movements so he is still telling the other bees exactly where the item is even though it is a different time of day!

8) Ask anyone and they will tell you that a goldfish only has a memory span of three seconds. Common knowledge right? But is it correct? A 15 year old Australian school boy decided to test this theory by placing a beacon in the water when he was going to feed the goldfish, would wait 30 seconds and then sprinkle the food around the beacon. After 3 weeks, with a beginning time (at one week) of 1 minute to recognise the beacon and a finishing time (at three weeks) of less than 5 seconds after the beacon was placed into the water, the goldfish showed they now had established the food connection to the beacon. The boy then removed the beacon from the feeding process and fed the fish normally for the next week. When reintroduced 7 days later, the fish immediately recognised the beacon and reached it in 4.4 seconds, showing that they remembered it and could retain the information! Turns out goldfish aren’t as dumb as we think they are, and when you think about it are certainly smarter than some humans! 😉

9) In 1740, a cow was found guilty of witchcraft and publicly executed! On another note all our ancestors were obviously also crack addicts 😛

10) You think human’s are evolved? Try this on for size: there is a monkey species where the baby pulls itself out of the womb!! That’s right, none of that horrible pushing and straining that seems characteristic of childbirth, the mother just gives the first initial heave and the baby does the rest of the work! Now THAT is evolution!

11) A dog was the king of Norway for three years! After the King’s son was killed by his subjects, angry, the King gave the people of Norway a choice, to be ruled by his slave or his dog, and they chose the dog! You know a person is a pretty shitty option when a dog beats him in politics! 😛

12) Sand Tiger Sharks are fighting for life from the moment they come into existence, literally! While the mother produces many eggs, she can only give birth to one pup, so once the embryo starts developing it has to begin killing off its brother and sisters while still in the womb in order to survive! Talk about a violent start to life!

13) Never underestimate how dangerous a Rattle Snake can be….. even when its dead!! The instinct to strike at close movement is so hard-wired into a Rattle Snakes muscle reflexes that even with a dead brain an hour after its death it is still capable of killing you!

14) The penalty for killing a cat in ancient Egypt was death!

15) And once again on a more personal note, an animal story that occurred a little closer to home! Karta is an orangutan at Adelaide Zoo, whose enclosure (which I spend way too much time at when I am at the zoo :D) is surrounded by hotwires and high walls. To keepers, Karta never seemed to pay much attention to these things, so it was to their great surprise one day when she jumped ship and got out of her enclosure!! Orangutans are extremely intelligent and are perfectly capable of working through problems, which is just what Karta had been doing in the days leading to her escape. She had previously poked the hotwire with a stick, but on the day of her escape, the smart little cookie twisted the stick through all of the wires causing them to touch one another and short circuited the whole system! Once she had done this, Karta then started ripping up plants and placing them up against the wall to make herself a ladder to get out! And after all that effort, Karta hopped over the wall, saw freedom wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, and climbed back into her enclosure! After her little adventure the keepers decided they better have a better look into their animal security systems haha 😉

Until next time lovelies 🙂