Remain Insane

Ramblings of an animal loving, people hating, game enthusing, book nerd :D

The reality of Reality TV – What their commercials should really say! August 18, 2013

Kinda Raging Rant No. 6: Reality TV

Television. We all have one, and in this new technological dominated era, we all watch it. Whether it be the morning news, the mid-day soap operas or the 6 o’clock Simpsons, at some point in the day, we are perched in front of our TV to unwind and watch some entertainment. As any TV viewer may have noticed however, there is more TV shows than ever, but less quality entertainment as a particular type of TV show has not-so-slowly dominated the airwaves night in and night out. This type of TV show has no limits nor no bounds on what it will do to get views. It will ruthlessly shit on and replace your favourite shows and make you wonder if the world has lost it’s effing mind. It features the weird, the dumb and the outright bizarre. Welcome, ladies and gentleman, to the world of…..

Reality Television.

The first few reality TV series seemed harmless and interesting, once producers saw the dollar signs, suddenly EVERYTHING has the potential for a full blown show, and every dipshit can be a TV star! I understand the novelty of each, but when they start replacing Futurama, Simpsons and my beloved David Attenborough documentaries with Keeping up with the Kardashians or Here Comes mother-f*cking Honey Boo-Boo, I have to question the IQ of humanity and am reduced to this for the remainder of the night:

What is even more bizarre than the actual shows themselves is the amount of people I come across that actually WATCH them and follow them religiously. It is becoming a trend and an actual topic of conversation that people regularly talk about, and it is one topic that I am glad to be left out of the loop. Sometimes people will notice I am finding a brick wall far more intriguing than the conversation and that I am not contributing to it, they will ask something like ‘So, did you see the new episode of Jersey Shore where so-and-so cheated on so-and-so?!’

Excuse me?

To which I will try and not pull a face, mumble something about not watching that type of show, and go back to inspecting the wall. Because what gets even weirder is that I sometimes get judged for NOT watching these types of shows! 😛 Before I insult anyone who is an avid reality TV fan, I will point out I used to watch my fair share of reality TV like Big Brother and Australian Idol, back when it was something new and an effort was actually put in to make it interesting. But as time has worn on, so have the shows, and the crap that is actually making it on to TV is mindblowing! Every time I turn on the TV, there is a new reality show screaming at me for attention in an advert full of promise of providing entertainment. And boy, are these adverts priceless! I feel sorry for the guys who had to come up with a way to make such mundane shows sound interesting 😛 The commercials always give me a giggle, but they always like to stretch the truth and make the show sound dazzling and action-packed, but when you watch the show, it is a steaming pile of horse shit. So, in the interest of TV viewers everywhere, I have taken it upon myself to create some more honest adverts for some of the reality TV shows that are vying for our love and attention, just so you know what you are REALLY getting yourself into 😉 (For added entertainment, please watch this video and imagine the rest of what I am writing in his voice :P)

Pawn Stars

The commercial: ‘Pawn Stars takes you inside the Harrison family pawn shop in Las Vegas, where the quirky characters haggle over fascinating wares! Join us and our hit series that takes you into the colourful world of the pawn business!’

The reality of the Reality: ‘Pawn Stars – takes you inside a family that knew the one way they were going to get ratings was making themselves initially sound like a cheap porno – where three fat American guys search through some people’s shit to find shit to sell so they can buy more shit. Join us as we rip people off in a show that takes you into the really boring And I mean REALLY boring world of the pawn business, where you can witness grown men fan-girling over wooden toilet seats!’

Geordie Shore

The commercial: ‘MTV camera’s follow some of Newcastles finest lads and lasses, giving you a sneak peak into their glamorous lives! There’ll be tears, tantrums, drama and outrageous behaviour by the bucket-load, with buff Jay, cheeky Gaz (who says he has a manhood the size of a tv remote control!), spice boys James and Greg, queen bee Vicky, sexy diva Holly with her FF boobs, ditzy Charlotte (who would never kiss a guy unless he had a six pack!), and ladette Sophie, who can be regularly found flashing her boobs in the local bar!’

The reality of the Reality: ‘MTV has lowered its standards once again, in what was first thought to be a piss-take of Jersey Shore, giving you a sneak peak into a bunch of Dorito encrusted guys and gals who all date each other, cheat on each other and piss and whine about everything! They’ll be some of the worst acting you have ever seen by the truck load, with steroid-induced Jay, over-exaggerating Gaz, lady-men James and Greg, mega bitch Vicky, a pair of boobs that go by the name of Holly, unrealistic-expectations Charlotte, and man-lady Sophie, who still isn’t quite sure what the meaning of clothes is!’

Beauty and the Geek

The commercial: ‘Stunning girls and genius guys live together and team up as they compete in hilarious and heart-warming challenges to test their intellect and social skills. Join us as ‘The Ultimate Social Experiment’ geeks out our beauties, and beautifies our geeks!’

The reality of the Reality: ‘Fuelling the stereotype that beauty means your thick as a brick and that smarts mean you are unattractive and socially inept, women who have only ever relied on their looks and guys who rely on their brains are forced to live together and team up for challenges – whose sole purpose seems to be to put the ‘nerd’s’ through hell. Join us for face-palms and cringe worthy moments as the geniuses of our generation are forced to teach grown women 4th grade all over, while they learn the true meaning of life: Unless you look like a pretty boy your intelligence and personality means jack shit to women!’

16 and Pregnant

The commercial: ‘This summer, MTV presents an unprecedented look at the controversial issue of teen pregnancy. These six girls have to face the bumpy terrain of adolescence, growing pains and rebellion, all while dealing with being pregnant and having to deal with challenges such as marriage, adoption, religion, gossip, finances, finishing school and getting a job. Faced with juggling their teenage years pregnant all while preparing for high school experiences like prom, they will be faced with adult decisions at every turn.’

The reality of the Reality: ‘This summer, MTV somehow manages to sink lower than Geordie Shore while further fuelling sterotypes, and presents a glorified look at the issue of teenagers forgetting to wear a condom and then acting shocked when they manage to get knocked up. These six girls have to face the bumpy terrain of their teenage years all while having to deal with screaming at their mothers, becoming selfish and bratty, and moulding themselves into a someone you are pretty sure shouldn’t have been allowed to breed. Faced with juggling their teenage years while trying to deny they are pregnant and still insist that everyone needs to take responsibility for their situation but themselves, they will be faced with adult decisions at every turn, which they will fail miserably time and time again. Morale of the story: Don’t be silly, wrap your willy!’

Iceberg Hunters

The commercial: ‘Join a brave group of men who travel through ‘Iceberg Alley’, the worlds most densely packed gathering of icebergs in Canada. Once out on open seas, the crew is at the mercy of Mother Nature, facing storms, ice sheets, hypothermia-inducing waters, dense fogs, rough seas and unpredictable massive icebergs. They search for, wrangle and harvest ice, and bring it back to land for the production of pure bottled water and vodka!’

The reality of the Reality: ‘Join a group of men who can’t shoot anything smaller than a mountain, as they pick on the locals in ‘Iceberg Alley’. Once out on the open sea, the crew is at mercy of nature, facing a whole load of problems that could have easily been avoided if they had just stayed home and got a normal job. They must be ‘skilled’ in searching for and wrangling the ice – as their crafty prey can evade them by running away from them at speeds of 0.005 miles an hour – and take it back to land to make water and vodka. Next episode: Men’s realisation that ice for water and vodka can be made in the freezer!’

A little more accurate yes? 😉 Whether you love it or hate it, reality TV is dominating the air waves and here to stay. When it comes down to it, you have two choices: to watch TV or avoid it. Those who want to still be able to watch TV all seem to follow the same path: they will give them a chance, but eventually get sucked into the vortex of stupid, enjoy the shows and then talk about them non-stop. When these people, soon after their imminent demise, tell me that maybe I should watch TV a little more, my answer usually involves a polite but resolute ‘no’ 😛

I think I’ll stick with books 😉

Until next time lovelies 🙂

 

The customer is always right. March 24, 2013

And if by ‘customer’ you mean ‘spawn of Satan’, and by ‘right’ you mean ‘incurably stupid’, then yes, the ‘customer’ is ALWAYS ‘right’ 🙂

Ah people, the worst part of everyone’s day! No matter what department you work in or career you have chosen, I think we all dread the moment we have to open up shop and let the mindless hordes into our workplace.

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In terms of customers, my first job at a wildlife park was great. Being a keeper, you don’t have to give a flying dog crap about the customers, you are there for the animals! Sure, you get some pretty idiotic questions, but at the end of the day, as long as the animals are taken care of, your job is done. My new job however, may be at a pet store with cute fluffy baby animals, but is (shudder) a customer service job. I have been at said job now for 6 months now…… and lets just say I wish my workplace had this policy:

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After having what may possibly be the most stupid conversation with a customer in my life the other day, I thought I would share some of my most stupid customer questions/stories that have personally happened to me or have been told to me by my lovely boyfriend Steven who knows the ins and outs of idiocy that is displayed at a grocery store. I mean, what good are these stupid experiences if they can’t at least be used for a laugh right? 😛

Customers in a wildlife park

Customer 1 – when conducting a show where customers may hold a baby crocodile:

Why is there tape on the crocodiles mouth? – said the lady who had just watched me catch the croc while it was trying to bite my fingers

Customer 2 – upon seeing the baby crocodile:

Oh, can I hold the big one instead? /points to the three metre croc that could, oh I don’t know, MAYBE RIP HIS F*CKING LEG OFF?!

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Customer 3:

Do you ever like put the crocodiles in harnesses and take them for walks?

Customer 4:

Can I ride the donkey? – Said the fully grown adult twice the size of the donkey

Customer 5:

Can I ride a kangaroo? – Said the American woman who clearly took our ‘We ride kangaroos to school’ joke a little too seriously

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Customer 6:

Excuse me, do you work here? – Asked the woman while I was in the buffalo enclosure up to my elbows in animal shit

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No lady, I don’t work here, I’m just doing this for shits and giggles.

Customers in a Grocery store

Customer 7 –  taking her purchases through the checkout at about 7pm:

Worker: Have a good day!

Customer: /walks off and then goes up to the service desk

I’d like to make a complaint!

Manager: And what was that?

Customer: That girl over there told me to ‘Have a good day’, when it’s actually night-time.

Customer 8 –  looking for an item:

Customer: Excuse me, do you have Susan Day Fairy Cakes?

Steven: No, we haven’t been able to get them in for a while now sorry.

Customer: That’s bullshit! The people who do the orders need a f*cking bomb shoved up their ass!

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Customers in a Pet Store

Customer 9 – interested in buying a dog:

Um, so, like what do dogs eat? – Said the guy who I really hope was trolling

Customer 10 – wanting to buy a rat:

Co-worker: Okay dokey, so do you have food for him?

Customer: No, I’ll buy that next week.

Co-worker: Oh….. but you want the rat now?

Customer: Yes.

Co-worker: So what do you plan on feeding him with for the next week?

Customer: He’ll be ok without it for a week won’t he?

Customer’s 11 and 12 – There was a sign at the front of the store on a puppy pen saying ‘Guinea Pigs: now only $10!’ In said puppy pen was a Border Collie puppy:

Customer 11: Oh my gosh, look at that giant guinea pig!

Customer 12: Excuse me, can we please buy the $10 dog?

Customer 13 – interested in buying a puppy: 

Can I put that dog on layby for a month? – Asked the man who didn’t seem to understand that puppies grow

Customer 14 – paying for her purchases:

Co-worker: That’ll be $135 thankyou.

Customer: /takes money out of her wallet, hands it over to co-worker

Co-worker: You need twelve more dollars.

Customer: What does that mean?

Co-worker: You need $12 more.

Customer: I don’t understand, I didn’t go to school to learn this shit! – Exclaimed the woman who is not known for her brainage

Customer 15 – asking for dog medical advice:

Customer: Hi, my dog is throwing up and dehydrated, do have anything I can give it?

Me: Um, I think you should be taking your dog to the vet immediately.

Customer: Oh, why?!

Customer 16:

Customer: How much are your puppies?

Me: Which one? (we have 9 different puppy pens)

Customer: That one. (gestures to the right that has 4 puppy pens)

Me: Which one over there?

Customer: That one! (waves his hand again in the general direction to the right)

Me: Top or bottom?

Customer: Bottom I think.

Me: Left or right?

Customer: Left, I mean right…. your right?

Me: Do you know its name?

Customer: Yeah, the staffy pups, on the top right!

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Because saying ‘the Staffy pups’ to begin with was super hard hey?

Customer 17 – asking prices about dogs and the man who inspired this post  –

Customer: Excuse me, how much is this dog?

Me: Three hundred and ninety five dollars.

Customer: Ok, how much is this one compared to that one?

Me: Both are three hundred and ninety five dollars.

Customer: So you mean I could get both dogs for only $395?!

Me: /sigh No, they are three ninety five EACH.

Customer: Wait, so each dog is only $3.95 each?!

Me: …………….. No, they are THREE HUNDRED AND NINETY FIVE DOLLARS EACH.

Customer: But you said they were three ninety five each?

Me: Yes, meaning EACH dog ON ITS OWN is $395.

Customer: Wait, so its $395 for one dog, not both?

Me: YES.

Customer: And they are $395, not $3.95?

Me: YES.

Customer: So I can’t get two dogs for $395?

Me: NO.

Customer: Oooooooooooh! Wait I’m still confused!

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 Humans: we’re certainly bred for our intelligence right? 😉

Until next time my lovely readers,

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Writer’s block and brain farts January 15, 2013

Over the past few days I have wasted hours staring at a blank computer screen. I have started this sentence a few dozen times and then ended up deleting it only to be stuck on a blank screen again. I have come up with many an idea of blog posts I’d love to write, rants that must be had and books and games that I would love to rave about, but I can’t seem to put any of them into something that doesn’t sound like I just mashed my face into the keyboard. I have cracked tantrums, been adamant I will delete my whole blog because of how frustrated I am and then decided against it at last minute. No matter how much I have tried nor how many hours I have spent trying to write my brain completely refuses to function and let me have my creative outlet. I have been struck with a very severe case of writers block, so much so that I have spent the past 24 hours having writer’s block about how to write about writer’s block! I have so much to say and yet no way to say it!

Already it has been half an hour and another tantrum since I have typed the paragraph above! I don’t know if it’s because I’m trying to hard. I don’t know if it’s because I am beginning to over think my posts and am worrying too about the content. I don’t know if it’s because I am comparing myself to other blogger’s and feel as if I am coming up short. All I know is this brain fart is beginning to drive me up the wall!

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I have read and tried so many tips on how to get past it: Talk to someone about it (I’ve practically gnawed my poor boyfriend’s ear off), if you can’t write anything try again later (x1000000000), write crap (currently in progress 😛 ), but alas, nothing is working and I am still stuck as ever. And I possibly just created the most pointless blog post ever….. well at least I can cross out the possibility that my lack of writing is due to me worrying about the content 😛 Maybe eating my frustrations and stress will help?

After all, stressed is desserts spelt backwards! 😉

Oh, and meet Squirt (yes, as in Squirt off of Finding Nemo 😛 ), our newest addition to our little family 🙂 Until next time lovelies, when my brain decides to become functional again!

‘You so totally rock Squirt!’

 

Musical Madness December 19, 2012

Raging Rant No. 5: Shitty music

From the beginning of time when the first caveman overly strained his frontal cortex, hit two bones together and thought it was pretty neat, music has always been created to invoke an emotion in its listeners. Pop, rock, rap, RnB, soul, blues, jazz, metal, country, we all have our favourite genre of these wonderful complications to listen to and lose ourselves in. Some of these songs make us happy. Some make us sad. Some make us laugh . . . .

And others make me want to gauge out voice boxes and Fus Ro Dah assholes off of cliff faces.

Personally, I am a rock/disco/pop fan, so I hate 99% of today’s techno hits that are coming out. But before I insult anyone on their music taste, when I say shit music, I am not actually talking about the genre of what a song is. I am more referring to the lyrical ‘genius’ of artists when they are composing a song. While it is perfectly possible for artists to create a song not only with good music but with good lyrics too, good quality lyrics are being sacrificed more often these days while being replaced with shallow and meaningless ones. Don’t get me wrong, not all lyrics have to be meaningful and shitty lyrics span across all types of genres, but at the risk of sounding like a cranky old grandma that’s going to beat you with her walking stick while nagging your ear off about ‘back in her day’, I am fairly certain our poor radios have been subjected to their fair share of dumbassery in concentrated amounts over the past few years , starting with . . . . .

1) She’s so Mean by Matchbox Twenty

The lyrics:

‘She’ll make you take her to the club, but then she leaves with her friends
She likes to stay late at the party cause the fun never ends
And all her clothes are on the floor, and all your records are scratched
She’s like a one-way ticket cause you can’t come back

Sayin’ yeah, and you want her
But she’s so mean
(You’ll never let her go, why don’t you let her go?)
Yeah, and you want her
But she’s so mean
(You’ll never let her go, why don’t you let her go?)’

That’s right fellas, apparently as long as your girlfriend is hot, her personality doesn’t count for a penny! She’s a complete bitch you say? Doesn’t matter, she’s hot dude! She’s destroying your shit? Oh you, that shouldn’t come into account you silly fool, I mean her face completely excuses her actions, she’s a real keeper!

I don’t know about you guys, but if I had some woman destroying my stuff and ditching me for her friends, I wouldn’t give a dog turd about how hot her face was, that bitch is getting fly kicked!

2) That’s what makes you Beautiful by One Direction (Note: no picture is included for said song as I outright refuse to see that people looking up One Direction have been directed to my blog via google search)

The lyrics:

‘Baby you light up my world like nobody else
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But when you smile at the ground it aint hard to tell
You don’t know you’re beautiful, that’s what makes you beautiful!’

Firstly, this meme describes my first objection to your stupid lyrics perfectly:

Secondly, doesn’t this girl you are talking about that is beautiful because she doesn’t know she’s beautiful now know she’s beautiful so that means she is no longer beautiful?

3) Peacock by Katy Perry

The lyrics:

‘Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock? Don’t be a chicken boy, stop acting like a biatch. I’m a peace out if you don’t give me the pay off, Come on baby let me see your whatchu hidin’ underneath! I wanna see your peacock, cock cock (repeat cock a few more hundred times)’

Katy Perry is certainly passionate about seeing her man’s colourful bird up front! I’m not sure how many guys would be able to satisfy her though, I mean, what guy drags his peacock around on a date? Oh wait….. you mean she actually means she wants to see his….. OH! What a delightfully clever play on words, oh Katy, you certainly are subtle!

4) Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen

The lyrics:

‘Your stare was holding
Ripped jeans, skin was showing
Hot night, wind was blowing
Where you think you’re going, baby?

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
It’s hard to look right, at you baby
But here’s my number, so call me maybe

Before you came into my life I missed you so bad
I missed you so bad… I missed you so, so bad’

Hey you just met him, and you’re fucking crazy. Give him your number, and he’ll stalk you maybe! Wait, maybe I’ve got it around the wrong way around! ‘Before you came into my life I missed you so bad’? Firstly, we can clearly see Carly has impeccable logic. Secondly, how long has Carly been following this poor guy around without ever making her presence known to him?! DON’T TAKE HER NUMBER MAN, RUN WHILE YOU CAN! Better run fast though, from the sounds of it Carly isn’t going to let you get very far…

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6) Friday by Rebecca Black

The lyrics:

Seven a.m., waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal
Seein’ everything, the time is goin’
Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends (My friends)

Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited’

Phew, I wish my life was that exciting when I was 12 years old! Getting up at 7am, eating cereal and choosing what seat to sit in in the car, woah! I mean, being given the choice of sitting in the front seat or the back seat by your parents is pretty damn life changing at 12! You’ll look totally bitchin’ and be ready to paaarrtaay……. at your 4-year-old cousins birthday party 😉 And wait, you’re telling me that if yesterday was Thursday, that means today is Friday?!?!

THAT IS TOTALLY LIFE CHANGING, I AM SO GLAD YOU FELT THE NEED TO ADD THIS INTO A SONG SO THE WORLD CAN REVEL IN THIS NEW THEORY!

7) Skater Boy by Avril Lavigne

The lyrics:

‘He was a boy
She was a girl
Can I make it anymore obvious?’

WHERE ARE THESE PEOPLE COMING UP WITH THESE WONDERFUL NEW REVOLUTIONARY DISCOVERIES?! MIND BLOWN.

8) Hot Problems by Double Take

The lyrics:

‘Just cuz I’m pretty
I have to be dumb
I don’t care about wits
I just wanna have fun.

Hot girls we have problems too
We’re just like you
Except we’re hot
The world needs to open their eyes
and realise
We’re not perfect and sometimes we lie!

Just kidding,
we’re perfect!’

Everyone, please take a moment to mourn for the ‘hot girls’ of the world and really think about how difficult life must be to be dumb, misunderstood and to be like normal people but hot …….. that second over yet? We done? Great! I cried you a river Double Take, I really did, but I don’t understa….. I can’t even…… DA FUQ?! When I first saw the lyrics I thought these girls must have been joking and taking the piss, but upon watching the video, the sad thing is they are actually serious. At least the song had a happy ending though right? I mean, after describing the troubles these poor pre-pubescent little snots girls have to face daily by not being perfect, in the end it turns out they are actually perfect and being good-looking and dumb is great!

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While there is no doubt these songs have been popular, music artists these days are a total cop out when it comes to their lyrics, and quite frankly make my ears bleed! I don’t know about you, but I would rather write a single good quality song that meant something beyond genitalia, hot girls or which seat I should take in the car on a Friday and that would be remembered for a lifetime rather than a shitty little tune with lyrics that a three-year old could babble out and make a quick buck. While there would be many people who would disagree with me on my criticisms of these songs, I have one further point to push my Grandma case of why musical lyrics were better ‘back in the day’:

It took 7 people to write Justin Bieber’s song ‘Baby’ which consists of about a dozen words. It took ONE MAN to write the musical masterpiece that is Bohemian Rhapsody.

Until next rant lovelies 🙂

 

Dumb and dumber June 3, 2012

Random Raging Rant No. 3: People.

I don’t know if I have just been particularly anti-social this week, or if people have been particularly stupid, so I’m going to go with the latter as it is the most reasonable explanation. As I seem to have been struck down with a severe case of the crankies and feel the need to use a large amount of profanities, here are a few things that I hate about a few stupid assholes.

1) People who ask stupid DUMBASS questions.

I used to work in a wildlife park, where I put on shows for people while holding baby crocodiles and snakes. So naturally, I got asked a lot of questions about the animals that I was showing. Now, before you think: ‘There is no such thing as a stupid question Gemma, stop being so over dramatic!’ let me enlighten you on the ABSOLUTE FRICKEN BEAUTIES I got asked EVERY FLIPPING DAY. I’d go to the crocodile tank, armed with a piece of tape. Getting the baby croc’s out of their tank involved speed, strength, a lot a wriggling and potential finger threatening moments. I would have to catch the babies and tape their mouths, all while the tykes were trying to bite my fingers off with their little razor sharp teeth. Often people would watch me do this. And what would people (I’m talking adults here) ask me after this little display?

‘Why is there tape on the crocodile’s mouth?’

WHAT THE FLIPPING FUDGE NUTS?! DID YOU NOT JUST STAND THERE FOR 5 MINUTES WATCHING ME STRUGGLE TO SHUT ITS GOD DAMN MOUTH WHILE IT WAS TRYING TO MAUL ME YOU IMBECILE? YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST FOR YOU I’LL TAKE THE TAPE OFF! HERE, EVEN GIVE IT A KISS, BECAUSE ITS ACTUALLY SUPER F*CKING CUDDLY, AND CLEARLY NOT GOING TO CHEW YOUR F*CKING FACE OFF!

During the day, crocs also like to sunbake and rest, and can sometimes sit in the same spot the whole day. We had quite a large croc in an enclosure that liked to do this. The stupid question people asked me?

‘Is it real?’

NO, IT’S NOT REAL AT ALL! WE HAVE JUST BUILT A HUGE MOTHER F*CKING ENCLOSURE WITH RUNNING WATER AND HIGH FENCES AND PUT FOOD IN THERE FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON! WOULD YOU LIKE A CLOSER LOOK? MAYBE GO PLACE YOUR HEAD IN ITS MOUTH?

2) People in shopping centres.

You know the ones. The ones that stand completely stationary the whole time you are walking up to them, and then just as you are walking behind them they step back WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING and run right into you then give you a dirty look like it was YOU who did something wrong. Or the gossipy woman with a trolley that runs into an equally gossipy friend who also happens to have a trolley, and they both seem to mutually agree it is A FLIPPING FANTASTIC IDEA TO TOTALLY BLOCK OFF THE WHOLE AISLE WITH THEIR TROLLEYS WHILE THEY CHAT FOR AN HOUR, AND AGAIN, GIVE YOU DIRTY LOOKS AND SNIDE COMMENTS WHEN YOU POLITELY ASK THEM TO MOVE. OH I’M SORRY, BECAUSE CLEARLY IT IS ME WHO IS THE INCONSIDERATE ASS!

3) People who don’t use their car indicators.

Apparently using your indicator is THE HARDEST thing to ever do while driving a car according to the lack of people who use it. Countless times have I almost had a run in with a car as a pedestrian because some dumbass thought using his indicator was over-rated and that it would be fun to make me play a guessing game. USE YOUR INDICATOR DUMBASS.

4) Attention whores on Facebook

 Those absolutely stick thin girls who post pictures like this:

Oh ma gawd, I’m so fat!

Firstly, if you really thought you were fat, you would not put up revealing photos of yourself. Secondly, you know you are skinny, so shut your face. And thirdly, BITCH, IF YOU ARE FAT, THEN I AM FRICKEN SHAMU!

5) People who tink itz kewl to tlk lyk dis.

Please learn how to talk before I make you eat a dictionary. Just typing like this made me feel dirty!

6) The man who thought it would be a great idea to name a bird species ‘Larus maximus ex alba et nigro feu caeruleo nigricante varius’.

I am trying to memorize some Latin names for my Animal Diversity exam. Most are only two words tops, this one however is an absolutely monstrosity. Needless to say, this man was obviously a sadistic asshole. IF THIS SPECIES COMES UP IN THE EXAM (BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I AM DEDICATING PRECIOUS MEMORY SPACE  TO REMEMBER THIS STUPID NAME) I AM GOING TO FIND SAID MAN AND SHOVE A PINEAPPLE UP HIS ANAL SPHINCTER.

In the future, I am sure there will be many more posts dedicated to the joy that is the human race and how much of the social butterfly I clearly am 😛

Until next week my lovely readers, unless I decide to run off into the forest and become a hermit 😀