Remain Insane

Ramblings of an animal loving, people hating, game enthusing, book nerd :D

The reality of Reality TV – What their commercials should really say! August 18, 2013

Kinda Raging Rant No. 6: Reality TV

Television. We all have one, and in this new technological dominated era, we all watch it. Whether it be the morning news, the mid-day soap operas or the 6 o’clock Simpsons, at some point in the day, we are perched in front of our TV to unwind and watch some entertainment. As any TV viewer may have noticed however, there is more TV shows than ever, but less quality entertainment as a particular type of TV show has not-so-slowly dominated the airwaves night in and night out. This type of TV show has no limits nor no bounds on what it will do to get views. It will ruthlessly shit on and replace your favourite shows and make you wonder if the world has lost it’s effing mind. It features the weird, the dumb and the outright bizarre. Welcome, ladies and gentleman, to the world of…..

Reality Television.

The first few reality TV series seemed harmless and interesting, once producers saw the dollar signs, suddenly EVERYTHING has the potential for a full blown show, and every dipshit can be a TV star! I understand the novelty of each, but when they start replacing Futurama, Simpsons and my beloved David Attenborough documentaries with Keeping up with the Kardashians or Here Comes mother-f*cking Honey Boo-Boo, I have to question the IQ of humanity and am reduced to this for the remainder of the night:

What is even more bizarre than the actual shows themselves is the amount of people I come across that actually WATCH them and follow them religiously. It is becoming a trend and an actual topic of conversation that people regularly talk about, and it is one topic that I am glad to be left out of the loop. Sometimes people will notice I am finding a brick wall far more intriguing than the conversation and that I am not contributing to it, they will ask something like ‘So, did you see the new episode of Jersey Shore where so-and-so cheated on so-and-so?!’

Excuse me?

To which I will try and not pull a face, mumble something about not watching that type of show, and go back to inspecting the wall. Because what gets even weirder is that I sometimes get judged for NOT watching these types of shows! 😛 Before I insult anyone who is an avid reality TV fan, I will point out I used to watch my fair share of reality TV like Big Brother and Australian Idol, back when it was something new and an effort was actually put in to make it interesting. But as time has worn on, so have the shows, and the crap that is actually making it on to TV is mindblowing! Every time I turn on the TV, there is a new reality show screaming at me for attention in an advert full of promise of providing entertainment. And boy, are these adverts priceless! I feel sorry for the guys who had to come up with a way to make such mundane shows sound interesting 😛 The commercials always give me a giggle, but they always like to stretch the truth and make the show sound dazzling and action-packed, but when you watch the show, it is a steaming pile of horse shit. So, in the interest of TV viewers everywhere, I have taken it upon myself to create some more honest adverts for some of the reality TV shows that are vying for our love and attention, just so you know what you are REALLY getting yourself into 😉 (For added entertainment, please watch this video and imagine the rest of what I am writing in his voice :P)

Pawn Stars

The commercial: ‘Pawn Stars takes you inside the Harrison family pawn shop in Las Vegas, where the quirky characters haggle over fascinating wares! Join us and our hit series that takes you into the colourful world of the pawn business!’

The reality of the Reality: ‘Pawn Stars – takes you inside a family that knew the one way they were going to get ratings was making themselves initially sound like a cheap porno – where three fat American guys search through some people’s shit to find shit to sell so they can buy more shit. Join us as we rip people off in a show that takes you into the really boring And I mean REALLY boring world of the pawn business, where you can witness grown men fan-girling over wooden toilet seats!’

Geordie Shore

The commercial: ‘MTV camera’s follow some of Newcastles finest lads and lasses, giving you a sneak peak into their glamorous lives! There’ll be tears, tantrums, drama and outrageous behaviour by the bucket-load, with buff Jay, cheeky Gaz (who says he has a manhood the size of a tv remote control!), spice boys James and Greg, queen bee Vicky, sexy diva Holly with her FF boobs, ditzy Charlotte (who would never kiss a guy unless he had a six pack!), and ladette Sophie, who can be regularly found flashing her boobs in the local bar!’

The reality of the Reality: ‘MTV has lowered its standards once again, in what was first thought to be a piss-take of Jersey Shore, giving you a sneak peak into a bunch of Dorito encrusted guys and gals who all date each other, cheat on each other and piss and whine about everything! They’ll be some of the worst acting you have ever seen by the truck load, with steroid-induced Jay, over-exaggerating Gaz, lady-men James and Greg, mega bitch Vicky, a pair of boobs that go by the name of Holly, unrealistic-expectations Charlotte, and man-lady Sophie, who still isn’t quite sure what the meaning of clothes is!’

Beauty and the Geek

The commercial: ‘Stunning girls and genius guys live together and team up as they compete in hilarious and heart-warming challenges to test their intellect and social skills. Join us as ‘The Ultimate Social Experiment’ geeks out our beauties, and beautifies our geeks!’

The reality of the Reality: ‘Fuelling the stereotype that beauty means your thick as a brick and that smarts mean you are unattractive and socially inept, women who have only ever relied on their looks and guys who rely on their brains are forced to live together and team up for challenges – whose sole purpose seems to be to put the ‘nerd’s’ through hell. Join us for face-palms and cringe worthy moments as the geniuses of our generation are forced to teach grown women 4th grade all over, while they learn the true meaning of life: Unless you look like a pretty boy your intelligence and personality means jack shit to women!’

16 and Pregnant

The commercial: ‘This summer, MTV presents an unprecedented look at the controversial issue of teen pregnancy. These six girls have to face the bumpy terrain of adolescence, growing pains and rebellion, all while dealing with being pregnant and having to deal with challenges such as marriage, adoption, religion, gossip, finances, finishing school and getting a job. Faced with juggling their teenage years pregnant all while preparing for high school experiences like prom, they will be faced with adult decisions at every turn.’

The reality of the Reality: ‘This summer, MTV somehow manages to sink lower than Geordie Shore while further fuelling sterotypes, and presents a glorified look at the issue of teenagers forgetting to wear a condom and then acting shocked when they manage to get knocked up. These six girls have to face the bumpy terrain of their teenage years all while having to deal with screaming at their mothers, becoming selfish and bratty, and moulding themselves into a someone you are pretty sure shouldn’t have been allowed to breed. Faced with juggling their teenage years while trying to deny they are pregnant and still insist that everyone needs to take responsibility for their situation but themselves, they will be faced with adult decisions at every turn, which they will fail miserably time and time again. Morale of the story: Don’t be silly, wrap your willy!’

Iceberg Hunters

The commercial: ‘Join a brave group of men who travel through ‘Iceberg Alley’, the worlds most densely packed gathering of icebergs in Canada. Once out on open seas, the crew is at the mercy of Mother Nature, facing storms, ice sheets, hypothermia-inducing waters, dense fogs, rough seas and unpredictable massive icebergs. They search for, wrangle and harvest ice, and bring it back to land for the production of pure bottled water and vodka!’

The reality of the Reality: ‘Join a group of men who can’t shoot anything smaller than a mountain, as they pick on the locals in ‘Iceberg Alley’. Once out on the open sea, the crew is at mercy of nature, facing a whole load of problems that could have easily been avoided if they had just stayed home and got a normal job. They must be ‘skilled’ in searching for and wrangling the ice – as their crafty prey can evade them by running away from them at speeds of 0.005 miles an hour – and take it back to land to make water and vodka. Next episode: Men’s realisation that ice for water and vodka can be made in the freezer!’

A little more accurate yes? 😉 Whether you love it or hate it, reality TV is dominating the air waves and here to stay. When it comes down to it, you have two choices: to watch TV or avoid it. Those who want to still be able to watch TV all seem to follow the same path: they will give them a chance, but eventually get sucked into the vortex of stupid, enjoy the shows and then talk about them non-stop. When these people, soon after their imminent demise, tell me that maybe I should watch TV a little more, my answer usually involves a polite but resolute ‘no’ 😛

I think I’ll stick with books 😉

Until next time lovelies 🙂